Like Darren...
Johnny's dog shifted closer to me, distracting me from my meltdown, and plopped her head on my thigh.
"Hi," I sobbed, dropping my hand on her head.
Sookie nuzzled my hand with her snout and licked my fingers.
Her affection only made me feel worse.
I didn’t deserve it.
I had just lied to her human.
"I wish I had a dog," I whispered to her, focusing all of my attention on her, desperate to block out my thoughts. "One just like you," I told her as I pulled my feet up on the bed and twisted my body to face her. "If I ever get a dog, it'll be one that that looks just like you – 'cause you're so pretty. Yes, you are."
She rewarded my attention by crawling onto my lap – or at least she tried to.
She was a fully-grown Labrador and I probably weighed less than her.
"What do you want?" I whispered, scratching her neck with both hands. "Huh?" Tickling her ears, I pressed a kiss to her nose. "You want me to give you love?"
Her tail wagged like crazy and she smothered me with wet dog kisses all over my face.
It was a welcome distraction and I choked out a laugh at her enthusiasm.
"What a good girl," I cooed, falling into a playful game of wrestling with her. "That's right. You're the best girl. You are."
Encouraged by my response, Sookie clambered onto me, pushing her whole weight down on my chest and causing me to flop back on the pillows.
"What?" I giggled through my tears as I ruffled her ears. "You like me?"
She groaned deep in her throat, her approval obvious as she stretched out on top of me and nuzzled my face with her wet nose.
"Thank you," I praised when she slapped her paw on my shoulder. "You're such a mannerly girl, giving me the paw."
"Your uniform's still damp, but I brought it up anyway…"
Startled by Johnny's voice, I tried to sit up, but I couldn’t because Sookie was still in full force play-mode.
"Sookie, down," Johnny ordered in a tight tone of voice, eyes glued to mine.
Obedient, Sookie immediately climbed off me and clumsily jumped off the bed, her paws slip-sliding on the wooden floor.
"Out," Johnny commanded as he held his door open, still watching me.
Sookie padded out of the room and he quickly shut the door, expression thunderous.
God…
"I'm sorry," I croaked out, pulling myself up on my elbows. "I was just, uh, playing with your dog."
"Don’t be sorry," Johnny replied in a tight voice as he walked over to the bed, dropped my uniform down and then sank down on the edge.
Keeping his back to me, Johnny leaned forward, his muscles flexing beneath his golden skin, rested his elbows on his thighs, and inhaled what sounded like several calming breaths.
And then he did something I knew I would lose countless years of sleep over: he turned back around to face me, grabbed both sides of my towel, and pushed them together.
To cover me, I realized.
Because I had obviously been flashing him.
Because let's face it, that was exactly the kind of luck I had.
"I'm so sorry," I choked out, mortified.
"It's okay," he told me in a gravelly tone of voice.
"Did I –did you see my…"
He nodded.
Oh god!
"I am so sorry."
"Stop saying sorry," he replied, voice strained. "There's nothing to be sorry for."
"I'm sorry you had to see that," I strangled out.
Johnny shook his head and turned his back to me again.
"Don’t apologize to me for seeing you," he groaned, dropping his head in his hands. "Fuck!"
My heart was racing so hard in my chest in this moment that I found myself breathing faster, exhaling in short, puffy breaths.
What was I supposed to do?
Run?
Leave?
Hide?
Throw myself at him?
I didn’t know.
I had no idea what to do.
I only knew that my body was rooted to his mattress, eyes glued to his muscular back.
"I'm going to take you home now," Johnny finally stated quietly, head still in his hands.
"Yeah, okay," I whispered as the sound of my pulse hammered in my ears.
"That's what I'm going to do," he added, though I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or himself. "I'll take you home," he repeated but made no move to stand up.
Several seconds passed where he remained completely motionless.
Unable to bear the tension building inside of his bedroom, I reached out and touched his shoulder blade. "Johnny?"
A small tremor rolled through his huge frame.
And then he turned around to face me.
"I can't be alone with you like this," he whispered, eyes locked on mine. "I…" He exhaled a ragged breath. "Not here… not when you look like that."
His eyes were heated and full of uncertainty and roaming wildly over my body.
His chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace, mirroring my own.
I looked into his eyes, feeling my heart squeeze so tight it was hard to breathe.
In one stare, I felt like I had collided with him.
It was instant and shocking.
My feelings exploded inside of me, absorbing the boy and all he was like a sponge that was desperate for water.
I was desperate for him.
All of him.
Every piece and part.
Raging hormones, encouraged by my frazzled emotions, overrode my common sense right then, causing me to do something completely out of character.
Releasing an unsteady breath, I reached up, grabbed Johnny's neck, and pulled his face down to mine.
And then I kissed him.
I had no clue what to do next, my bravery deserting me in my moment of need, as I knelt on his bed and held his face in my hands.
Johnny's eyes were wide open and locked on mine, clearly stunned, as I pressed my lips to his.
But he wasn’t kissing me back.
In fact, I was fairly sure he wasn’t breathing.
My actions had turned him to stone in my hands.
My eyes were wide and bulging in my head as I broke the kiss and stared in horror right back at him.
"I'm so sorry," I blurted out, mortified.
"It's okay," he told me, breathing hard.
"No." I shook my head furiously. "No, it's not okay."
"Shannon, it's okay –"
"Oh my god! What did I do?"
"Shannon," Johnny coaxed, tone firmer now. "Stop. It's okay –"
"It's not okay," I strangled out as I scrambled off the bed and backed up, hitting his chest of drawers in the process. "I just – oh god!"
Staggering backwards, I shook my head and held a hand out to warn him off when he took a step towards me. "I'm really sorry."
"Shannon, it's okay," Johnny said as he held his hands up. "Just stop moving around for a second and talk to me, will ya?"
I didn’t stop moving.
And I didn’t stop to talk.
Because I couldn’t.
I was in full-force panic mode and for once, my flight instinct had kicked in.
"I need to go," I announced, mortified.
"No, you don’t," he replied calmly. "We can talk about this."
"No!" Shaking my head, I slipped around Johnny and snatched my clothes off the bed. "I need to leave," I added before bolting into the bathroom and locking myself inside.
"Shannon, come on," Johnny called out, knocking on the door. "Open the door."
Speechless, I staggered over to the toilet, pushed the lid down and collapsed on top.
"Oh, god," I breathed, as I dropped my head in my hands.
What the hell did I just do?
Not only did I flash Johnny Kavanagh, but I went one further and kissed him.
My first kiss.
The first time I ever put my lips on a boy.
And he didn’t reciprocate.
Oh my god…
What the hell was I thinking?
Why was I feeling like my heart was shattering into a million pieces?
And most importantly, how was I going to get out of this bathroom?
Because there was no way I could face Johnny now.
In fact, I was fairly sure I could never face him again.
47
Crying girls and burning hearts
Johnny
Someone put their hands on her.
Those kinds of marks didn’t happen in a bleeding ruck, never mind during a soccer game in P.E.
It was ridiculous, and she was ridiculous for feeding me that line.
What did she think I was; some thick eejit who couldn’t tell the difference between an accidental bruise and foul play?