I turned to look at her. "What?"
"Shannon," Mam filled in, tone gentle and coaxing. "You like her."
I shook my head and exhaled heavily, making no move to respond.
This conversation was beyond disturbing.
"Just tread carefully and exercise patience. She's younger than you, and as I'm sure you're more than aware, you need to move at her pace."
"Ma, please," I leaned my head back and sighed. "Just give it a rest."
"All I'm trying to say is be careful," Mam replied. "Do not break her, Johnny." She cupped my cheek and smiled sadly. "Not when she already seems fractured."
"Don’t worry," I muttered. "I've no intention of going there with her."
"Going there with her?" Mam questioned. "Where's there?"
"A relationship," I bit out. "Feelings and shite."
"Oh, there." Mam was quiet for a long moment before saying, "Are you sure you're not already there, love?"
Christ, I hoped not.
For both our sakes.
"She's fifteen years old," I decided to throw out there, unwilling to let go of my annoyance at her meddling. "You get that, don’t you?"
Mam's eyes widened. "I thought she was sixteen?"
"No, Ma, she's fifteen," I hissed.
"No, Johnny," Mam replied, brows furrowed. "I'm pretty sure she's sixteen."
My mouth fell open.
Shit.
She was right.
Dammit.
"That's worse again," I barked, flustered. "There is a naked sixteen-year-old girl in your seventeen-year-old son's bedroom right now – one you put there, I might add!"
"Johnny, love, you need to relax–"
"And how do you propose I do that?" I demanded. "When you put a naked teenage girl in my bedroom?"
"Oh, love," Mam muttered, worrying her lip. "I think it's time we had a chat."
"A chat?" I gaped at her. "We are chatting. We are having a very important fucking chat, Ma. About the lack of boundaries in this family. About you needing to respect my boundaries!"
"About you and Shannon."
"What about me and Shannon?"
"About your feelings."
I gaped at her. "My feelings?"
"And your intentions, love," Mam replied.
"My intentions?"
The fuck?
"I know it's early stages and what I'm about to talk to you about is a long way off for you both, but it's important that you know about it."
I eyed her warily. "About what?"
"About sex, love."
My mouth fell open. "Why are you not hearing me? Why isn’t anyone hearing me anymore?"
"I know your father spoke to you a few years ago about the birds and the bees." She placed a hand on my shoulder and steered me over to the island, obviously not fucking hearing again. "But considering this latest development, I think it might be a good idea for us to talk about it. Just so we're all clear on how important it is to take things slowly."
"Latest development?" I sank onto a stool and gaped at her. "I'm not having any bleeding developments. We don’t need to talk about anything."
"Even still –" Shrugging, Mam sat down on the stool beside me and patted my thigh, "It would do no harm to refresh your memory."
"I sincerely fucking hope you're joking, Ma," I strangled out.
"Maybe we should call Shannon down, so I can talk to you both about this –"
"Don’t you bleeding dare," I strangled out. "You leave her alone."
You've traumatized her enough!
"Okay then," she replied. "I'll talk to you about this."
"Please, don’t –"
"Sex is a beautiful thing, love," Mam said in that motherly tone that currently made me want to stab pencils in my ears. "When it's between two people who love and are committed to each other."
I held up a hand. "We are just friends."
"Uh-huh," Mam quipped with a disbelieving smile. "That's what they all say."
"That's the bleeding truth," I snapped. "That's all we are."
Jesus, even your mother can see through you…
"It's completely natural to want to experience pleasure with a partner," Mam continued to say, ignoring my pleas. "When you're both old enough to fully understand the act of love."
"Jesus Christ," I groaned. "Please stop."
"But, I know how these things can go. Not everyone waits no matter how important it is to wait –" she paused to glare knowingly at me, "When it happens – which I hope is a long, long time from now– then it is necessary to use a condom," she pressed. "Do you know how to roll one on properly, love? Did your father explain how it works? You need to make sure the shaft of your private part is–"
"I can't hear this," I groaned in despair. "Seriously, Ma."
"Sex in real life is nothing like what happens in those blue movies Gerard gives you," Mam continued. "It's important to know that a woman has needs. In real life, girls don’t all scream and carry on like porn stars. And you need to respect a girl's body at all times –"
"Please." I pressed my fists into my eye sockets so hard I was seeing stars. "Just stop."
"I'm trying to help you, love, so you know what to expect."
"I know what to expect, Ma," I groaned while I contemplated on bathing in bleach. "I'm not a bleeding kid."
My mother's head snapped towards me, eyes wide. "So you're not a…"
"No, Ma." I dropped my head in my hands and fought back the urge to fucking cry. "I'm not a virgin."
"Oh, dear… okay. That's okay, love. That's perfectly fine," she rambled, tone forced. "I just presumed that since you've never brought a girl home before now, or talked about girlfriends, that you weren't pursuing any love partners –"
"Keep talking and I'm going to jump out a window," I warned her. "I'm not messing around. I will go upstairs and hurl myself off the fucking roof."
"I know it's uncomfortable, but you can talk about these kinds of things with me, son," Mam urged. "I was a teenager once upon a time, too, you know," she added, reaching over to pat my shoulder. "I understand all the urges your body is going through, and a female perspective can be helpful."
"How is any of this helpful?" I choked out, horrified. "I thought you loved me."
Mam laughed softly. "Of course, I love you."
"Then why are you doing this to me?" I choked out. "Why are you meddling in my life?"
"Because, I'm not blind, Johnathon," Mam replied, full-naming me to let me know how serious she was about this. "I see the way you look at Shannon, and the way she looks at you."
"We are just friends," I bit out.
"You're in love."
My jaw fell open. "We are bleeding not."
The look my mother gave me was one of disbelief. "Are you taking things at her pace?"
"I'm serious, Ma," I snapped. "We're just friends. I haven't touched her."
Mam visibly sagged in relief.
"So, you didn’t do, uh, let's call it the deed, with Shannon –"
"Jesus Christ, no, Ma!" I barked, interrupting her before she caused permanent trauma to my brain.
"Oh, that's good," my mother breathed. "You're a good boy."
A good boy?
Was I a bleeding dog?
And there was nothing good about what I wanted to do to Shannon Lynch.
"Thanks for automatically assuming that I'm a bastard though, Ma," I snarked. "I really appreciate the lack of faith my own mother has in my moral compass."
"Well, you drop the bomb that you're not a virgin on me the same day you bring your girlfriend home," Mam huffed. "The first girl I have ever seen you with, may I add. What am I supposed to think? I was trying to prepare you for the future."
"First, for the last bleeding time, Shannon is not my girlfriend," I snapped, flustered. "Second, I haven't been a virgin since first year. And third, I can roll a condom on in the dark with one hand tied behind my bleeding back, so I don’t need the sex talk, or tips, or any of that shite."
Mam gasped in horror and I mentally kicked the shite out of myself.
"I'm lying," I coddled her. "I am a virgin."
"First year," she sobbed. "First year!"
"No, no, no," I hurried to assure her. "I'm a virgin, Ma. I am."
"No," she wept, shaking her head. "You're not."
What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
Christ, where was my Dad when I needed him?
"You were only fourteen in first year," she continued to wail.