She, too, closed her eyes. In the moment before he began to speak, she let the sensations register, the warmth from his close proximity, the scent of him, the feel of his skin under her fingers. In that heartbeat, she only wanted to draw closer, to put herself as close to him as was humanly possible. In that heartbeat, she was not so sure that keeping an emotional distance would be possible. She found her heart yearning with his that it be the Lord’s will that they feel this love.
“Our hallowed Father,” Titus began in a low, warm voice whose quiet strains had no problem reaching her ear on their way to heaven, “guide us now as you have been doing for so long. You led us through darkness and pain, and now you have brought us to this new juncture. We praise you, Father, for your unfailing strength and wisdom. And now we ask you to hear this new plea and give us answer. You brought us together as your servants, my God, and you know these feelings that have arisen in our hearts. Help us to make the right decisions, to go through each day according to your will. Neither of us wants to hurt or be hurt, neither of us wants to do anything you would not have us do. Please give us your wisdom now, Father, and help us to handle ourselves righteously and blamelessly. We ask these things in the name of your Son.”
He fell silent without actually ending the prayer, as had become their habit. For the next minutes they sat still as they were, their hearts open to the movement of the Spirit, their minds sending unspoken thoughts to God. By the time Abigail opened her eyes, the familiar feeling of peace reigned inside, though she knew not what answer it was supposed to give. They shared a soft smile.
Titus eased away. “We shall keep praying. I imagine with something this important, our Lord may see fit to make us contemplate it a while without simply providing an answer.”
“Perhaps.” She knew that she would be thinking about it, and that every thought would turn into prayer. But she also knew that the chill that crept in the moment he moved away was a rather strong answer in itself. A minute later she decided to retire instead of attempting another lesson, and Titus did not argue.
She made her way to her room with a heavy heart. And the question burdening it most was not just a query on the appropriateness of her feelings anymore. Now she was also wondering if God would let such strong emotions grow, only to forbid them expression.
*
Phillip stood in his usual position against the house, eyes flitting from where his mistress sat on a bench to where Samuel ran with a few servant boys in a game of chase. He surveyed every possible entrance to the gardens behind the house, listened to what may be coming from within.
Abigail turned her head to him with a smile. “What do you think of while you’re standing guard, Phillip?”
Never had he had a master who solicited his thoughts like she did daily. Learning how to answer had taken him a few days. “I keep my thoughts open, Mistress, so that I will notice all that is going on around us.”
Her smile turned almost sardonic. “I envy you the ability to do that. For as long as I can remember, my thoughts have run rampant whenever they may. I cannot seem to have a moment of rest without coming up with some new, often nagging contemplation.”
“I have not the mind that you have. When you are teaching Samuel, I can see within you a deep wisdom, Mistress. But I was born to fight, not to think.”
Abigail reached to pick up the beads that Benjamin had just dropped, handing them back to the baby with a kiss on his downy head. “And I watch you as I am teaching Samuel, and I see a mind that grasps all I say. One can be an intelligent warrior, my friend, it is quite possible. My father, my husband were such men. Do not deny the capacity the Lord gave you just because you were taught to ignore it.”
Phillip felt a smile tugging on his mouth. She tended to have that effect on him, though he had practiced it rarely enough before meeting her. “Perhaps my lady simply finds gifts in those she meets that they themselves have never suspected.”
“If so, then perhaps it is because those I meet have been trained not to give themselves credit where it is due.” She offered him a friendly grin. “Admit it, Phillip. You have followed my lessons well, even those I share with Titus.”
He had only had occasion to sit in on the latter once, but he could not deny her assertion. Everything she said, whether it be to the boy or the man, made perfect sense. He was still not certain if it was the material itself that was so reasonable or simply her way of putting it. He inclined his head in acquiescence.
“And what do you think of the Law and the Prophets?” She turned slightly on her bench so that she could better look at him.