She had no business falling in love with Titus Asinius. It was not only stupid, it was unfair. She had not had these feelings for Andrew, who had loved her so purely and genuinely, she had not had them for Jason, who had ended up sacrificing a career and a home to make her his. Why should she feel them now, for a man as out of her realm as the very sphere of the stars? Nothing could come of an interest in Titus. Even if he felt an affection for her, even if it was as strong as this thing blossoming in her heart, it would not matter. Titus was not like Jason. He was not half Hebrew, he did not have parents that would encourage him to make her his wife. They could never marry; it would destroy his family, and he would be ostracized.
So marriage being out of the question, all they could share was a friendship. It could not be let to deepen into anything more. It would only hurt them both in the end, or tempt them to sin, neither of which was acceptable. If he must kiss her again before his father to keep her safe, then of course it was a risk worth taking, but she would not be so foolish as to again initiate an embrace. She had learned this morning that it was too dangerous, the feelings he ignited in her too powerful to be trifled with.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Samuel’s entrance into Titus’s room and the man’s laugh as he picked up the boy and hoisted him onto his shoulder. Abigail had to smile as she saw Samuel’s tired grin as he “flew” into the room as though a bird, arms stretched wide in his glide. Titus lowered him to his pallet gently, pulling the blanket up over him.
Her breath caught in her throat. It was no wonder she was falling in love with him. He acted like a father to her children, even the one who had been but a slave. When she had first met him, he had not even known how to speak to a child. Now he was a hero in Samuel’s eyes, simply because he was always there, willing to listen, willing to love him.
“Good night, my dear little man.” Abigail knelt beside Samuel and kissed him softly.
Samuel yawned. “I love you, Mother,”
“And I love you,” she replied as she stood.
“Good night.” Titus put a hand on Abigail’s back to lead her back into his chamber, where they would have their own study session. He closed the door softly behind him, so that their voices would not keep the children awake.
“What time tomorrow would you like to begin the search for a handmaid?” Titus asked as they both took their usual seats.
Abigail lifted her brows. “Why bother, now? I will not be traveling back on my own; I will not need such a large retinue for myself.”
He gave her a muted grin. “Abigail, the point remains that you are now a lady of means, and as such, you should have an attendant.”
“Titus,” she rejoined with a sigh, “if have a maid I must, I would rather choose one from among my own people, since it is in Israel that I will be spending my days.”
“In other words, you will not go in search tomorrow, you would rather just calmly wait for Ester to arrive so that you can fall back into the habit of waiting on her.”
She sighed again, her gaze weary. “How is it that the man who was once the firmest advocate of me keeping my place is now the first to balk at the prospect of me returning to it?”
Titus just smiled and picked up her hand. “Because, sweet one, I was once blind to everything but politics, but now I have been blessed with a vision that allows me to see you in all your worth. You are not a slave, Abigail, you have not the soul for it. And it would pain me to see you slip back into old habits.”
“You need not worry.” She squeezed his fingers. “Ester was the first to raise me above my status, and she will not let me slip back into it now that I have given her a grandson.”
Titus was quiet for a moment as he nodded his concession. “You have really missed her a great deal, have you not?”
“She is my mother. She is the woman who raised me and taught me and loved me for half of my life, the half that saw me make the biggest changes. This is the first time I have been away from her for more than a day since Cleopas brought me home. How can I help but feel as though part of me is missing? And not knowing how she fared until today–it has kept part of my mind in constant prayer.”
“You have hidden your concern well.” His tone hinted at disappointment. “I knew you must miss her, but you have never let yourself show anything but what the moment calls for.”
“Titus,” she said softly, meeting his gaze with warmth, “that is not so. It is just that I cannot let myself think about her much, or I would worry needlessly. I know she is in the Lord’s hands, and I have had faith that she is taken care of. And that faith has allowed me to focus on what is happening here, things that I certainly need to give attention to. I have not been hiding my feelings from you. I have simply been keeping them at bay, even from myself.”
He nodded, his face relaxing. “I suppose I shall have to practice that, so that I do not walk around somber and depressed when you finally leave me.”
There was a seriousness in his voice that she decided to dismiss. “Come, my friend, we both know you are the master of that already and were long before we met.”
“No. I simply did not feel anything I thought it necessary to hide before we met. But now?” He shook his head, then reached out to touch her face, slide his hand through her hair to the back of her head. “Now, my father would disown me for feeling the things I do for you.”