“That would be enough.” A lie.
His nostrils flared, not once but twice. “We both know that’s not true.”
Rutting fae senses.
“Can you know my mind just by smelling me?” I sounded harsh, distant.
And yet, really, I was just a hot, weeping mess inside.
Choosing to ignore me, he continued. “Serena, you don’t understand—Dimitri has it in his head that we’re something more now. That puts you in danger. And the only way I can get you out is by ceasing contact with you.”
“What danger?”
Wilder’s scars tightened. “There are things about my past that I’m not ready to share with you. All I can say is that if we continue down this road, there’d be some very powerful fae taking an interest in you. If they suspected for even a moment that I had any real feeling for you, they’d use you to get to me. And I can’t have that on my conscience.”
“Are you talking about Dimitri?” I grasped for answers.
“It’s not just him,” he replied.
Damn him.
“I know that you don’t want to let this go.” His stare pinned me in place. “But you must—for both our sakes.”
I opened and shut my mouth. A mindless fish. That’s what I’d become. What could I say? How did I fight something I didn’t understand?
“Serena.” A warning tone.
I winced.
“From now on, we can’t talk to each other. The less contact we have, the better it’ll be for you.”
I stepped back, wrapping my arms around my body. As if they alone could stop me from unraveling. “Right.”
Turn around and don’t look back, Auntie said, iron in her voice.
I nodded distantly. “Bye, then.”
His eyes flashed with something. It didn’t matter what—not anymore. “Good luck with the rest of the trials,” he said. Cold. And so sure of himself.
My heart hurt. Actually hurt. I’d heard the expression broken-hearted, but I hadn’t known, hadn’t guessed, that it could feel like this.
I left the stables and arrived back in my barracks with no memory of walking there. I briefly scanned the empty room. They must still be eating. Good.
I sank to the floor and didn’t get back up.
My mother.
My father.
John and Viola.
Wilder.
Each loss painful, soul-shredding, in different ways.
A wretched grief. A cold numbness. A burning anger. Now this.
They really were adding up.
Oh, sure. Wilder wasn’t family. He’d never promised me anything. He’d never claimed me. We owed each other nothing.
And he hadn’t died. I hadn’t known him for years. An impenetrable barrier hadn’t separated us forever. Somehow, inexplicably, I still felt the loss as keenly, as sharply. It felt wrong somehow, for this grief to rival true loss, that it could be akin to a death.
When would it end?
Was this my fate?
A memory floated to the surface. A few years ago, after my first blood had arrived, I’d run to Viola in a state of panic. After calming me and gleaning that my father had neglected my education in this area too, Viola filled in the blanks about the change and about sex. From that day onward she’d made my ears bleed with dire warnings about falling for the wrong boys. She’d said most young girls had shitty taste, and that was why it was better to wait to pursue the right one.
It seemed I hadn’t listened. Gods, I missed her.
Liora found me there later, still slumped against the wall. She sat next to me and slipped her fingers through mine. I didn’t need much provocation to spill my guts. There were no tears, but my voice sounded breathless, disjointed, even to my ears. I felt numb throughout, like I was floating. Still, I retained enough presence to realize this was shock. I was in shock.
Liora didn’t interrupt, she didn’t judge. No surprises there; kindness always came easily to her. When I finished rambling, she said, “He sounds scared. He cares for you.”
I stayed silent. Hope felt more like a curse.
“I’d no idea you felt like that.” Liora squeezed my hand tighter.
Lifting my head from its slumped position, facing her, I frowned. “I thought you’d guessed.”
Confusion, then her eyes lit up. “Oh, I knew about your feelings for him. But what you said about thinking you were an outsider. Like you were useless to the pack. I didn’t know you felt that so deeply. You don’t even believe you’re good enough for Wilder.”
That wasn’t a question. It was a statement, and it rutting hurt.
“Maybe I didn’t see it because we have the same problem.” Liora tried to smile, but her eyes stayed sad.
I went to form a question, but she was already explaining, “I’ve felt worthless. Like a burden, for a long time. And in case you missed it, the only reason I got picked was because my brother took pity on me. That’s all he’s ever done—protect me. And in return, I got us exiled from our clan.”
Her words were hollow, and the tattered pieces of my heart bled a little more. “But in your case, I didn’t choose you just because we’re friends, although that was part of it,” Liora admitted. “But ever since we met, you’ve defied every expectation. A captor who made friends with her jailor, a girl with no obvious magical gift able to give another a voice, and now, someone who can melt the heart of a battle-hardened fae. By my broom, you’ve even earned Adrianna’s respect.”
I let out a weak chuckle. Not possible.
“She criticizes you a lot less than the rest of us,” Liora said, laughter in her voice. “I think for her that means she likes you. Now,” she braced her palms on her thighs, “I want you off this freezing floor. The rest of the pack’s in the food hall. They sent me to see if you’d finished training. Adrianna wants to go over things for tomorrow. Again.” She let out a little sigh.
“We’ve discussed everything twenty times over. What’s the point?” I asked, half-exasperated, half-amused.
“My guess is that she secretly likes spending time with us.”
Her waggling eyebrows and dimpling grin reminded me so much of her brother that a belly laugh shook me. It felt good.
Liora rolled off the floor in one movement. “Not that I’m complaining.”
I pushed myself off the wall and stood, facing her. Liora looked odd, contemplative, and I dared to ask, “D’you … find her attractive?”
Her eyebrows rose.
Oh dear. Maybe I’d overstepped—Liora hadn’t told me she liked women, but Cai had dropped enough hints for me to guess the truth. In the Gauntlet, same-sex relations weren’t outlawed, but it wasn’t seen as normal; it remained a taboo. Viola’s common-sense views had informed my own opinions. And enough memories remained of my mother’s compassion that I wanted her to know she could trust me, if it needed to remain a secret. Although, I doubted the Riverlands could be that strict about such things. Not if Goldwyn and Cecile’s relationship was anything to go by.
Her voice was soft. “I think one Verona in love with her is enough to be getting on with, don’t you think?”
I broke into relieved laughter. “Maybe.”
Liora walked me out. She’d worked a miracle; I didn’t think about Wilder for the rest of the night.
Well, maybe just a little …
Chapter 15
Hunted
The second trial began with the packs waiting outside the wall of Kasi. No obstacle course in sight. Just a cloudy sky, windswept meadows, and forest pines. I waited in between Frazer and Liora who, like me, were as tight as bowstrings and frozen still from the tension. Cai and Adrianna, on the other hand, strived to look bored and failed. There were three new additions to my uniform; a black fur cloak, a rucksack, and an Utem? sword.
The instructors lined up in front of us once again. I kept my eyes fixed on Goldwyn and the map she held in her hands. Wilder couldn’t exist for me anymore.
Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look.
“Right. No long boring speeches this time,” Goldwyn announced, clapping her hands together.