‘DADDY!’ yelled Maisie up the stairs. ‘That Paw Patrol has finished. Can you come and put another one on, or can we have a PJ Masks?’
‘Coming!’ I shouted back. ‘See?’ I looked at Al in what I hoped was a reassuring way. ‘They’re happy as anything. Really, they are.’
She nodded, whispered ‘thank you’ and closed her eyes again, but her brow remained furrowed like she was still in pain.
I watched her for a moment more, quietly left the room and gently closed the door behind me.
* * *
When I arrived back from Mum and Dad’s the house was dark and still.
Maisie and Tilly had understandably been a bit unsettled and overexcited, so I’d stayed to read their stories. I texted Alex to let her know I’d have a cup of tea with my parents and hit the road at eight. I wanted to get straight back to her, but I couldn’t leave without a quick catch up at least.
‘Alex isn’t coping any better then?’ Mum asked, sipping at her cup delicately in their immaculate sitting room. Everything was ordered and comfortingly just where it had always been. I could smell they’d had a casserole or something for dinner, although the evidence had been washed-up, dried up and the draining board forensically wiped down, to return the kitchen to the gleaming showroom cleanliness it had proudly shone with when we’d arrived. I wanted to lie on the sofa myself, watch some mindless telly, then stagger up to my old room and go to sleep. I knew Mum would be only too delighted if I asked. I imagined her getting some of Dad’s clean, ironed and folded pyjamas out of the airing cupboard for me to borrow and sighed wistfully.
‘She’s not doing great, to be honest, Mum.’ I took a mouthful of my tea. ‘Actually, that’s not true. Given the circumstances she’s coping brilliantly. She’s been publicly accused of something heinous, she’s suspended from the work she loves and has no idea yet when all of this is going to be over. I’d be in pieces if I were her, and that’s before you consider she’s doing all of this on top of chronic insomnia. She’s still getting up every morning to see the girls off, and getting up every evening when they get home, so it all feels normal for them, but I really, really hope she’ll get some rest tonight.’ I didn’t mention the pills. I knew Alex wouldn’t want me to. She’d see it as an invasion of privacy and God knows she’d had enough of that already.
‘Fingers crossed,’ Mum agreed. ‘I’ll say a prayer for her.’
‘Righto,’ I said doubtfully, and Mum frowned.
‘Robert!’
‘I’m not criticising.’ I held a hand up. ‘I’ll take whatever positivity we can get right now. Seriously though, thanks so much for having Maisie and Tilly. This way Al gets the best crack at a whole, undisturbed night, and that might be all she needs to break this messed-up sleep pattern she’s got herself into.’
‘We can keep the girls as long as you like tomorrow?’ Mum offered. ‘Another night even, if you want? They’re such good, dear little things.’
‘They are. Thank you for making a fuss of them. That’s just what they need.’
‘We’re going to make an apple pie tomorrow!’ Mum revealed. ‘We’ll save you some.’
‘Sounds lovely.’ I drained my tea and, catching sight of the carriage clock, got up. ‘Ten past already – I better go, sorry.’
Dad looked at his watch. ‘Well, you’ve missed the worst of the Friday night rush now in any case. It should only take you forty minutes, you’ll be back by nine. Although there are works at the crossroads. I’d go via the Tesco’s roundabout instead if I were you. I can shave as much as five minutes off, usually, by doing that.’ He stood up stiffly, and I hugged him, almost overcome with sudden affection for them both. It had been an emotional day. ‘Thanks, Dad. I’ll try that.’ I planted a kiss on his cheek.
‘Well done, son,’ he said, hugging me back and giving me a kiss. ‘Very well done. This too shall pass, just remember that.’
I whispered it to myself in the car over and over again as I drove back home.
This too shall pass.
This will all become a distant memory. We will reach a point where we no longer think about this even most of the time, never mind all of the time. It felt impossible to believe, somehow.
* * *
I felt a little strange as I let myself back into the house, switched the hall light on and quietly shut the front door behind me. It occurred to me that I hadn’t eaten a thing since lunchtime, and that was probably why. I wondered if it was too late to get a takeaway after all?
I crept over to the stairs and padded softly up to check if Al was awake and wanted one too – but when I reached our bedroom the door was closed, with a note sellotaped to it:
Taken pill. Hopefully will sleep till morning. OK for you to sleep in spare room? Love you x
That answered that about the curry then. I tiptoed back downstairs, wandered into the sitting room and sat down on the sofa in the dark for a moment.
‘Do you know how I recognise you when we’ve never met? From the photos in your sitting room, which Alex and I had sex in when you went to stay with your parents that weekend…’ I heard his mocking tone from earlier, closed my eyes and forced him away. Jonathan Day was not going to bother me any more tonight. I wanted him silent.
Impulsively, I got up and went to get a curry after all. It wasn’t until I arrived back at home clutching the plastic bag containing the two foil containers, a paper bag with the rest of the poppadums I’d managed not to eat on the way back, and a larger bag containing a garlic naan, that I noticed the BMW was missing. For a moment I panicked. Where had Alex gone? She’d said she’d taken a pill! I was about to rush into the house, go upstairs and open the door, when I remembered just in time that I had actually put the BMW in the garage myself earlier, intending to give it a hoover in the morning because it was filthy inside. I felt ill at how close I’d come to barging in on her and ruining it all. I had to sit back in the car for a moment and try to gather myself. Funny the things your mind decides are important when you are completely overwhelmed with stress. I simply couldn’t believe I had forgotten I’d done it. Even then, I had to check I was right, I doubted my own sanity that much. To my relief, it was there, where it was supposed to be.
I went to retrieve my food, found a beer and plonked in front of a Gerard Butler movie, watching him liberate the entire White House single-handedly from a terrorist attack. I dozed on the sofa then crawled off to bed in the spare room at about half eleven, falling instantly and deeply asleep.
* * *
When I woke up, I was slightly confused to find it light and that it was already quarter past seven. The luxury of a lie-in. No small voices shouting ‘my clock is yellow!’ No trying to grab another five minutes while they watched the iPad at full volume sandwiched between Alex and me in our bed. I turned over with a happy sigh to go back to sleep, but then wondered if perhaps I ought to go and check on Alex, see if she’d woken up yet.
But when I reached the door, it was still closed with the note on it. I decided I’d take her some breakfast at eight and glanced back at the spare room, considering getting some more rest myself, only I couldn’t somehow bring myself to do it now that I was up. I decided to go for a run instead – and, brightening at the thought of some fresh air and five minutes to myself, I went off happily to find my running gear, leaving Alex to sleep a little longer.
17
Cherry
When Jonny came back into class just before the last bell, something was badly wrong. I tried to get his attention, mouthing ‘what was that about?’, but he totally ignored me, keeping his eyes straight to the front.
When we were finally dismissed, I was all ‘Hey! Hello?’ as everyone started packing up, and he was forced to look at me, but he didn’t say anything.
‘Where did you go, halfway through?’ I got to my feet and walked over to his table.