‘You need to look up,’ I said under my breath, ‘Hi, Paul!’ I called cheerily to another Dad I knew well enough to have gone out for a few pints with on several Dads’ nights out. He hesitated, glanced at Al and nodded a silent greeting before scurrying off. ‘Seriously, look up,’ I ordered my poor wife. ‘You’re acting like you did it.’
It was, of course, my own guilt that made me so hard on her. I couldn’t bear that what I’d done with Hannah could have led to this: my children skipping along unawares that all of their friends’ parents were looking at their mother like she was at best a slut and at worst some sort of predator.
We walked into the nursery and the busy hum of chatter noticeably stilled. Several of the teachers glanced over curiously, and poor little Tilly said proudly: ‘my mummy and daddy are taking me today!’ My heart almost broke.
‘Aren’t you a lucky girl, Tilly?’ said one of them, kindly, but I felt Al’s grip on my hand tighten, and she practically dragged me into the cloakroom out of the sight of prying eyes.
‘Come on then, Tilly – let’s get your coat off,’ I said, letting go of Alex and starting to undo the zip.
‘I’ll put her water bottle in the box,’ Maisie said helpfully, and disappeared back into the main room with it.
Alex just stood there watching and then jumped slightly as Melissa appeared in the doorway with Zach. I watched both women eye each other, and Al cleared her throat and said bravely: ‘Hey Mel.’
I smiled encouragingly and waited for Melissa to say something back, but she simply stepped past Al like she wasn’t there.
‘Let’s take your coat off, Zack!’ she said cheerily.
I saw Alex frown in confusion and then glance at me.
‘That’s it, hang it on the hook, well done!’ Melissa grinned at Zack. ‘Come on then! Now, let’s go and see who’s here!’
She simply walked past us as if we weren’t there. I watched my wife’s eyes fill with tears and I went to march out after Melissa, but Al caught my sleeve.
‘Don’t,’ she whispered. ‘Let’s just go.’
We kissed Tilly goodbye and walked Maisie to her classroom. There was a good deal of chatter going on because so many people were there, but somehow that made it easier for Alex to sink into the background and not need to say anything. I knew she’d be devastated by what Melissa had done. Understandably so. I was livid with the short-sighted ignorance of the woman. Whatever the hell happened to innocent until proven guilty?
‘Let’s go and get a coffee,’ I suggested afterwards, like everything was normal, as we got back to the car.
‘Don’t you need to go home and start work?’
‘I’ve got another half an hour. It’s fine. Come on.’ I took her hand and led her off before she could protest any more.
I spotted the photographer when we were coming out of the coffee shop. At first, I was stupid enough to think he was capturing the building behind us, and even turned to see what had caught his attention, but then I realised it was us he was focused on.
‘Oi!’ I shouted, from across the street, but he didn’t even bother to put it down, just calmly took another snap of us, then ambled off.
Alex got straight back into bed the second we got home. I texted Rachel to ask her if she could possibly come and see her at lunchtime, but when she arrived, Al refused to see her, saying she felt as if she might be coming down with flu.
‘I’m really concerned,’ I admitted quietly, on the doorstep. ‘She’s such a strong person but because of everything that she’s been through already over the last few weeks…’ I wasn’t prepared to gloss over what I’d done or try to discount it, and I knew without doubt Al would have told Rachel everything anyway. ‘I’m terrified she’s heading for some sort of proper breakdown.’
‘How does it work, going to see a GP when you are a GP?’ Rachel said quietly, glancing up the stairs.
‘Doctors don’t tend to tell people if they’re struggling themselves. Mentally I mean. They just keep their heads down in case they’re judged. Plus, technically, if they have mental health issues they’re meant to notify the GMC and are investigated under the same procedures as misconduct.’
‘God, really?’ Rachel looked disgusted. ‘No wonder it’s a taboo subject. She’s not – suicidal or anything?’
‘No, no.’ I shook my head emphatically. ‘But she’s very, very low. And not sleeping at all. I think that’s part of the problem too; she’s somehow managed to reset her natural body clock. She can’t sleep at night and catches up by dozing during the day, just so she can basically function, but then isn’t tired enough to sleep at bedtime and is too anxious anyway. It’s a vicious cycle.’
Rachel sighed. ‘It sounds like she needs something to break this new pattern.’
‘I thought that as well, so we took the kids to school together this morning and one of the mothers completely blanked her, then on our way back to the car, someone took a photo of her.’
‘Oh God!’ Rachel exclaimed. ‘That’s horrible. The poor thing.’
‘He on the other hand, seems to be enjoying his moment very much.’
Perhaps it was the naked hatred in my voice, but Rachel shifted uncomfortably, and I realised I was in danger of overstepping the mark.
‘Yes, I saw him in another online piece,’ she said. ‘He’s got a very good publicist, whoever they are. But what I really meant is it sounds like Al needs something like sleeping pills to help break this new sleep cycle.’
‘Oh, I see.’ I felt a bit stupid. ‘Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll see if I can persuade her.’
‘I know her mum isn’t able to come down and help, but is there any mileage in your parents coming to stay, to give a bit of a practical hand?’
I shook my head. ‘I’ve asked Al that, but she doesn’t want them in the house right now.’
Rachel nodded diplomatically. We both knew Al suffered my parents under duress, finding my mother’s insistence on ironing all of my shirts as well as dusting, baking and generally reorganising, stressful at the best of times.
‘Maybe just this once it needs someone to take over for a bit though?’ Rachel said. ‘What about a mother’s help or something? There have got to be loads of agencies who supply people at short notice.’
‘That’s a good idea. I guess it’s no different than if she was recovering from an op, or something. Perhaps that’s how I should treat it. And I’ll definitely see what I can sort about the sleeping pills. Thanks, Rachel. And sorry she didn’t actually let you see her.’
‘It’s fine,’ Rachel assured me as I opened the front door again for her. ‘Hopefully all of the press stuff will start to settle back down in a couple of days, which will help a lot. Are you all right?’ she added, and I paused, surprised. ‘Er, yeah? I think so, thanks.’
‘You’ve got someone you can talk to?’
I thought about my university mates for a moment. I’d had a couple of texts offering an ear if I needed it. Workmates were obviously out. Ditto the school dads WhatsApp group – this was all too private for that. Karl, my oldest schoolfriend and best man would fit the bill, but I couldn’t actually remember the last time we’d spoken. He also now lived about two hundred miles away, and I hadn’t seen him since before Tilly was born… How would I even start that conversation? ‘Yes, I have,’ I said, because it was easier.
‘Good.’ She looked relieved. ‘And remember; today’s news, tomorrow’s fish and chip papers.’
* * *
I wish she’d been right about that, but unfortunately two things happened. Firstly, the picture of Al coming out of the coffee shop appeared. It was an unflattering shot of her, holding her takeout cup and seeming to frown at the photographer in disapproval. In fact, she hadn’t been wearing her glasses – she’s short-sighted – and was just peering over in confusion. They’d also cropped me out of the photo completely, making it look as if Al was out on her own, having a nice relaxing time of it, while suspended on full pay funded by the taxpayer. What a lovely reward for being brave enough to finally leave the house and face everyone in the playground. Alex looked at it silently – she appeared to have run out of tears – and I was gutted for her.