I opened my eyes, realised I was in the back of an ambulance, a paramedic’s face looming over me, his face unshaven and his hair messy. The pain in my stomach was like nothing I’d ever felt before, almost as if I were being slit open by whips and chains. ‘She’s miscarrying,’ I heard the paramedic say, his voice rising in panic. ‘Do we know how many months along she is?’
‘I have no idea. Didn’t even realise she was pregnant.’ Aiden squeezed tight hold of my hand as he spoke. ‘She’s been pretty low lately. I think that’s why she jumped. Probably terrified of the children’s home finding out she was pregnant, the poor love.’
It was at that moment that darkness consumed me once again. But this time, peace didn’t follow.
‘You’re sick,’ I say to Doctor Hughes now, dragging my thoughts away from that fateful night which changed everything. ‘I didn’t jump, I was pushed. But I was too afraid and too traumatised to say anything when I came round in the hospital the following morning. I allowed them to believe I’d attempted suicide.’
Allowing Aiden to get away with grooming me, not to mention trying to kill me, has weighed me down with guilt my whole adult life. Of course, at the time, a scared, vulnerable fourteen-year-old girl, I was blind to it all, still believed that Aiden loved me, that we would one day run away together just like he’d always promised. He seemed so genuine the day after the attack, sat by my hospital bed for hours on end, reading me snippets from my favourite magazine and holding my hand. He whispered into my ear over and over again just how sorry he was. ‘I panicked, Loulou, it was all such a shock. But I dragged you out of the water again, I saved your life.’
I cried until there were no tears left, knowing in my heart that I’d lost my baby even though nobody had actually confirmed it. The thick panty liner between my legs said it all… I was no longer a mother.
‘It was only the size of a grain of rice,’ Aiden told me the day he took me back to the home, his hand resting on my leg as he drove. ‘It’s not like it had feelings or anything.’
I wanted to tell him that my baby might have only been a grain of rice to him, but to me it was everything, a chance to finally be loved unconditionally like I’d always dreamed of. ‘Can we name him anyway?’ I asked Aiden, certain that if my baby had lived he would have been a boy.
‘Sure, whatever you want.’
‘Cory,’ I whispered, imagining my beautiful little boy with hair redder than fire. ‘I like Cory.’
Three days later, I woke up to find Aiden gone. ‘He’s been transferred to another home,’ I was told by Mr Carr, the director of the children’s home. ‘Told me to pass on his good wishes.’
I should have told the police, of course I should have. But I was ashamed, my heart broken all over again. And even if I had told someone back then, who would have believed me? After all, I was known for my paranoia, for my hallucinations. I was the girl who’d disfigured her first foster carer. As the years went by I always promised myself that, one day, I would bring Aiden to justice, that I’d stop him from hurting other girls in the way he’d hurt me. There were so many times I almost told James, the confession disintegrating on my lips each time I opened my mouth. Tomorrow, I’d promise myself, next week, perhaps after I give birth. Now, I guess tomorrow will never come.
‘Magda was appalled you killed your unborn baby, by the way,’ says Hughes now. ‘Or at least she pretended to be. I guess it made her feel less guilty about what she would have let happen to you. It sat well with her that you were a child murderer! Made the idea of taking your baby that much more desirable.’
‘I can’t believe you’ve used my past for your own sick ends. You’re evil, you know that? You’re going to hell.’
Hughes smiles. ‘Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. It was quite the added bonus when I unearthed your past. You really are a gift from God.’
‘But it was all lies,’ I say again, taking one final moment to try and make him see sense. ‘And I’m not crazy. You are! You’re a sick man and you need help. You’ve obviously suffered a breakdown, which I understand, really I do. But the spirit of your dead wife does not live inside me and my son isn’t your baby.’ But, even as I say it, I know my words don’t hold much weight. Because Cory is his child, isn’t he? Doctor Hughes is the missing piece of the puzzle, his eyes holding the same dark intensity as Cory’s, both of their jaws chiselled to perfection. How could I have been so blind?’
‘It’s time,’ he says calmly. ‘The end is upon us.’
I raise my head, see dazzling blue lights in the distance, cutting through the night sky. Are they real? Or am I simply remembering a similar scenario fourteen years ago?
The shrill ring of my mobile phone cuts through the air. I look over at Doctor Hughes, who in turn looks back at me. For the first time I see a hint of panic flash across his eyes.
‘Now!’ he shouts. ‘Or I’ll kill him!’
My time is up. One minute more will be a minute too late. I have to save my son, my miracle baby who taught me how to not be afraid. I take one last look across the river, the lights and sirens in the distance like a tropical storm. Hopefully the emergency services will reach Cory in time, but even if Doctor Hughes manages to escape with him, at least I’ll give him a fighting chance. The police will think I’ve committed suicide, taking Cory with me, but James won’t. He’ll fight them all the way. I hate myself for the way I’ve treated James, for the way I’ve accused him, for not allowing him to be a part of my past. And yet there is nothing I can do about that now. There is no time for regrets, just time to make amends. Although I haven’t lost my mind in the way the authorities are going to believe, I know that my refusal to deal with my past has wrought havoc on my present. Over the past three weeks I have allowed paranoia to feed on my anxiety like a parasite. I have allowed Annette’s jealousy to burrow itself underneath my skin, taking her catty snipes and remarks and twisting them into something much more sinister. Annette isn’t a particularly nice person and yet she isn’t all bad either. I’m certain that underneath the bravado and sarcasm is a broken-hearted woman desperate to be a mother. Despite everything, I’m glad she’s finally going to get that chance. She deserves that much at least.
As for Magda, I can’t even begin to consider the destruction she’s caused. And yet on some level I know that she too is a victim of circumstance, her desperation for a child allowing Hughes to use her as a pawn in his own sick game. And yet, isn’t Hughes also something of a victim? Hasn’t he too suffered unimaginable loss? I guess we all have our tipping point, are all just one tragedy away from madness. People, unlike the characters in a fairy tale, are rarely all good or all bad. Who knows, perhaps even the Big Bad Wolf was once just a hungry, frightened little pup.
I look down at the water, realise with sudden clarity that all of my life I have been ravaged by guilt: my mother’s suicide, Esther’s disfigurement, the death of my unborn baby. But now, in death, I can finally put everything right. By sacrificing myself I can save Cory and give James a fighting chance to be the dad he so deserves to be. There is no doubt in my mind that James will find Cory, whether it takes a week, a month or even a year. James will see to it that I’m never forgotten, that my spirit lives on through the son who finally made me whole. He’ll also speak to the authorities about Aiden, will demand they look into his history, not resting until justice has been done. So yes, this may not be the Happily Ever After I always imagined… but at last, I can finally be the hero of my own fairy tale.
Looking down into the water, I see the face of my mother, her smile stretching the entire width of her face. She isn’t Eeyore any more, nor is she Tigger. She’s just plain old Winnie the Pooh.
‘I love you, baby,’ I say to Cory as I leap into her arms, the sound of his cry in the night air like heavenly music to my eyes. ‘I’ll always protect you. Always!’
Acknowledgements