2. No, I don’t think it’s usual for event planners to become mayors in the United States or in Maine, but I do not have “exact” numbers. I will have to get back to you.
3. The way my mom became a candidate for mayor is that everyone in Allison Springs thinks that my mom is their best friend, though I am her actual best friend. My mom says the reason people think she is their best friend is because weddings and events give people “the illusion of intimacy.” The “illusion of intimacy” means people “lower their inhibitions.” “Lower their inhibitions” means “people talk and drink and hug too much.”
4. One of the people who think they are my mom’s best friend is Mrs. Morgan. My mom says that Mrs. Morgan is not her best friend but she is definitely her “best client” and “my college fund.” Mrs. Morgan is a “socialite.” A “socialite” is a “rich, old lady who drinks wine and throws parties for charity and gets in other people’s business.” Mrs. Morgan also owns the Allison Springs Cryer, which is our newspaper. My mom says it is getting to be more like a “newsletter.” I like Mrs. Morgan A LOT. She has a colorful vocabulary and a colorful wardrobe.
5. Mrs. Morgan was throwing a benefit “party” for male cancer of the breast, which is what Mrs. Morgan’s husband died of last year. After the party, Mrs. Morgan “lowered her inhibitions” and we had to drive her to her mansion in our SUV. My mom took off Mrs. Morgan’s shoes and put her to bed. My mom says that Mrs. Morgan is a “chatty drunk.” A “chatty drunk” is “a socialite who does not just pass out like a normal person.”
SCENE BETWEEN MY MOM & MRS. MORGAN
MRS. MORGAN: You are far and away the best event planner I have ever hired, but I’m a crutch for you. I have half a mind to stop hiring you, so that you would go do something better. You should write a book, have a show like Martha Stewart. Jane, don’t lie, did you want to be an event planner when you were young?
MOM: I like my work. I like the variety. I like working with people like you. It’s a privilege that so many people let me into their lives on their most important days.
MRS. MORGAN: You’re a good girl, Jane Young. Sorry. We’re not supposed to call each other girls anymore, but I mean no offense. A good woman. A fine woman! The daughter I should have had!
MOM: Thanks.
MRS. MORGAN: Just tell me one thing you wanted to do before you were an event planner. You never say anything about yourself, but you let me blab all my secrets. Tell me what you studied in school.
MOM: Spanish literature and political science.
MRS. MORGAN: Political science. Politics? Did you want to go into politics?
MOM: Yes. But I found that event planning used many of the skills I would have used in politics: the stagecraft, the organization, the ability to bend people to your will. But I’ve told you all this before.
MRS. MORGAN: I’m going to help you out, Jane Young!
And . . . SCENE!
6. A couple of months later, the mayor said he was quitting. His wife has cancer of the anus, which is not a laughing matter, and he needs to take care of her, so he can’t be mayor anymore. Mrs. Morgan told my mom if she wanted to run for mayor, she would “back” her campaign. “Back” means “give someone money.” Mrs. Morgan also said she was going to have a “benefit for cancer of the anus.”
7. My mom asked me if it would be “all right” if she ran for mayor and I said, “All right? It would be SUPER AMAZING!”
8. Then, my mom said that when people run for political office, sometimes “nasty and untrue things” are said and I should be prepared for “nasty and untrue things” to be said about her. She said I should (A) ignore it and (B) not let it hurt my feelings. I said, “If I do part A, there’s no need to worry about part B!” She said, “Ruby, I am serious.” I said, “Mom, I am tough.” I am tough. I don’t know if I have mentioned it, but I am “not well liked” at my school. “Not well liked” means that “no one wants to sit with me at lunch.”
9. That’s how my Mom decided to run for mayor. So far I have not heard any “nasty and untrue things” about her, but there’s still six weeks left until ELECTION DAY!
10. The man my mom is running against is Wes West, and she planned his wedding. I don’t have much to say about him.
11. One thing I could say about him is that he was the one who decided not to have the ice cream truck at the wedding. Who doesn’t want an ice cream truck?
Your Meaning Twin,
Ruby
To: “Fatima” [email protected]
From: “Ruby”
[email protected]
Date: September 29
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your American Pen Pal, Friends Around the World Pen Pal Program Dear Fatima,
Hooray, my mom says it would DEFINITELY be possible for us to Skype with your class at the Indonesian Women’s Business and Leadership Academy! She says her schedule is “tight” leading up to the election, but as long as we keep it to an hour, it should be fine. It will be UH-MAY-ZING for us to finally see each other! Could you send me a picture so I know which one you are? “UH-MAY-ZING” is “my favorite way to write amazing.”
It is interesting that “single mothers” have difficulties getting elected in Indonesia! I told Mrs. Morgan that and she said that was “slut-shaming.” I asked Mrs. Morgan what “slut-shaming” was, and she said it is “when a woman is too free and it p*sses people off.” The “single mother” thing doesn’t seem to be affecting my mom’s candidacy too much, but maybe that is because (1) everyone knows my mom, and (2) my father is dead. It isn’t a tragic thing for me. I don’t remember him, and my mom doesn’t like to talk about the past because I think it makes her sad. I don’t know much about him. I guess I’m curious, but I also don’t want to make her sad.
In a way, I am happy I don’t have a father because I like having my mom to myself. And also, Mrs. Morgan says that I am “more independent” and have a “stronger character” because I have not been “influenced by the patriarchy.” Mrs. Morgan talks about the “patriarchy” a lot. She is very against the “patriarchy.”
I am helping my mom “prep” for the debate against Wesley West. I read questions for my mom off of my phone. The questions are like: 1. If the town has a surplus, how do you spend it?
2. What is the biggest problem our town is facing, and how would you address it?
3. How would you secure our borders and keep terrorists out of Allison Springs?
4. Towns like Allison Springs are soft targets for terrorism. How do we keep violence and terrorism out of public buildings, like schools, the city pool, the library, and the post office?
5. The statue of Captain Allison was hit by a car and destroyed last winter. Some have proposed that we don’t rebuild the statue but instead establish a farmer’s market. How do we keep terrorists out of the farmer’s market?
Et cetera.