Funny, he’d never thought of that. He’d only thought if he had been different. If he had been better.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and laid her cheek on top of his head. “Did you ever even let yourself grieve?”
“I don’t deserve to.”
“Yes, you do,” she whispered against his head. She slid her fingers through his hair and pulled his head to her breast. “A child and the idea of a child are very different things. Don’t you think I felt the same way? Do you think I was thrilled at the prospect of being a mother? Do you think everyone who finds out they’re having a baby, especially an unplanned baby, is excited about it?”
Yeah. He had. Figured all normal, loving human beings were ecstatic about the imminent birth of their baby.
“Don’t you see it? The fact that you want to grieve, that you’re still beating yourself up? That even after all this time it’s still hard for you to come home. That should tell you what I already know.”
Still straddling his lap, she took his face again, pressed her sweet lips to his forehead, his cheeks, and he squeezed his eyes closed against the threatening tears.
“Jake,” she whispered and brushed her thumbs over his closed eyelids. “Let it go. You have to let it go.” She continued raining kisses over him until she reached his lips.
He couldn’t resist her. With his hands in her hair, he pulled her down, crushed his mouth to hers. Clutched at her, desperate for her. “I need you.”
“You have me.”
Chapter 25
While Paige and Casey were busy with another ride, JT drove to his parents’ house as he’d promised his mom. He’d only been back to the house he’d grown up in a handful of times. When he arrived, his mom was out back with his dad, so he took a minute to go upstairs.
Not much had changed in his old room since high school. Same dark furniture, same blue bedspread and curtains. Much of the football memorabilia had been removed, but his trophies remained. He picked one up from his dresser. VIRGINIA STATE CHAMPIONS MOST VALUABLE PLAYER. God, he’d loved playing football. Everything about it. The smell of grass and leather. The uniform and the sweat. Even the bruises. He’d been in his element.
He hated that beyond the loss of it, the memories, the happiness of being on the field, felt tainted now. His love of football and drive toward his dreams had played a large part in his reaction to Rachel’s news. That’s what he avoided here. All that he had been, what he had wanted. And what he hadn’t wanted.
But, of course, he didn’t need to be here to be reminded of it or the selfish person he’d been that day.
“Knock, knock.”
He turned and found his mother in the doorway. “You always did have a quiet walk.” They’d called it the death glide because she’d been so good at catching them in the act of doing something they shouldn’t have.
“Your old room,” she said, looking around, then sitting on the edge of his bed. “My last baby to leave the nest.”
He sat down beside her and stared across the room at his reflection over the dresser. Being in this room of his past, and looking at this older version of himself…it was somehow more clear than ever before he wasn’t the same man. That wasn’t the same reflection that had stared back at him years ago. He could literally feel the confidence and cockiness that had filled him then. The impatience and eagerness.
“I know I probably smothered you a bit after the accident. But…,” she held out her hands. “You were my baby.”
“I know. I get that now.” He did. He couldn’t imagine something happening to Casey, having to stand by and watch her hurting.
She rubbed his back lightly just like she’d done when he was a boy. “How are you?”
“I’m good, Mom.”
“You look good.” His mother studied him the way mothers do. “Does Paige have anything to do with that?”
“Probably.”
His mom sent him a knowing smile. “She seems like a sweet girl. And Casey, my goodness, what a cutie.”
He nodded.
“You know, I was afraid you were avoiding relationships after the accident. I wondered too if…if maybe it had something to do with Rachel.”
Here it goes. The moment of truth.
“I’ll admit I was angry that she never came by the house after the accident.”
“I didn’t want anyone to come by.”
“I know that, but as a mother, it hurt me, thinking you might be hurting even more than you were. But then she did come by.”
His gaze swung to hers. “Rachel came to see you?”
“Well, she came to see you. After you left. She didn’t know you’d moved.”
He wondered what she’d come to say that she hadn’t already said in the hospital. “What did she say?”
“She told me the two of you broke up. She told me how much she loved you and…I always felt like there was something she wasn’t saying.”
His mom waited silently. She always knew how to wait out her kids. “She didn’t tell you she’d been pregnant?”