Lucy didn’t know what to say to make her feel better, so she decided to change the subject. ‘Did I tell you that Jack promised to find me after the war?’ It hurt her to even say it, but she knew Scarlet or Ellie would have done the same for her.
A smile immediately broke out on Ellie’s face and Scarlet grinned. Saying those words out loud was like twisting a knife into her heart, but if it stopped Ellie worrying about being pregnant or being left alone for even an hour, she’d do anything. These girls had been her friends when she knew no one else, had shown her the importance of having her own family away from home, something she’d thought she didn’t need, which meant there was little she wouldn’t do for them.
‘Tell me everything he said,’ Ellie insisted. ‘I want word for word.’
Lucy didn’t think for a moment that Ellie wasn’t still worrying about being left and bringing a baby into the world, but at least this would keep her smiling for a little longer. And if it meant she could think about Jack, even cry about him openly, instead of all on her own after dark, when no one could see her pain, then maybe it was for the best anyway.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Ellie
Ellie groaned as she vomited, again. It felt like she’d been sick for hours, even though she knew that wasn’t true. Her body was heaving, stomach so empty, but the vomiting was better than the plain nausea. That had gone on for two days already, but at least vomiting meant she was doing something.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said as she slowly stood back up. ‘I can’t believe you’ve had to hear all that.’
Scarlet stroked her hair, fingers still holding it back from her face. She’d been there for her the entire time, rubbing her back, keeping her hair from her face, whispering soothing words. It had been embarrassing to start with, but now she was just grateful to have her friend by her side. Other nurses had got pregnant, it wasn’t like she was the only one, but she still felt ashamed that she was going to have to walk away from her duties.
‘I’m going to have to tell him,’ Ellie said, dabbing at her mouth, wishing she wasn’t in the disgusting toilet block. Being sick was bad enough, but being sick here was revolting. ‘I can’t keep hiding it.’
‘You’re certain?’ Scarlet asked, her eyes full of concern.
‘There ain’t no chance this is a stomach flu,’ Ellie said, rubbing in gentle circles across her belly. She couldn’t believe how unlucky she’d been, for this to happen after their one and only time together.
Scarlet smiled. ‘Everything is going to be fine. I promise you. Spencer will be thrilled.’
Scarlet looked so certain, as if she genuinely believed Spencer would be happy when she told him. Ellie herself wasn’t so certain, had no idea how she would tell him. Had he meant what he’d said? Would his mother really think she was good enough for him? The last thing she wanted was . . . She didn’t know what she wanted. But she was pregnant now; there was a tiny, beautiful baby growing inside of her, and there was nothing she could do about it other than be happy. Even if she was terrified.
‘Why don’t we go find him,’ Scarlet suggested, pushing open the door for Ellie to follow. ‘I can’t stay in here a moment longer; the smell is horrible.’
They stepped out on to the timber planks, the weather still dreary, the mud still deep. There were plenty of horrible things here, and the fact she was pregnant wasn’t going to be one of them.
‘What will they do with me? I mean, will I have to return home immediately? Will I stay here until I’m showing?’ Ellie whispered, wishing she was pressed against Scarlet for warmth and comfort instead of following behind her.
‘I don’t know, but Spencer will.’ Scarlet’s smile was kind. ‘Look, it’s not like you’re the first, and you won’t be the last. It’s one of those things and there hasn’t been all that much fuss made about it when others have had to leave for the very same reason.’
Ellie stopped, turned her face up, the gloomy grey sky drawing her in. It wasn’t sunny, it wasn’t warm, but the sky was still somewhere to escape to. It looked so peaceful today. If she stared at it for long enough, she could almost pretend she was back in England.
‘Ellie?’
She straightened, sighed and started to put one foot in front of the other again. Soon she’d be gone. Soon she’d be heading back home, away from here, the place she’d grown to hate, the place she had dreamt of leaving. Only she’d never wanted to leave without her friends, or without Spencer. But the pain she’d felt, the struggle that had wound like a cord around her neck, threatening to strangle her . . . She pushed the thoughts away. She was better now, and she needed to stay positive for the baby, not dwell on the painful thoughts and the desperation she’d felt during much of her time here.
She sighed again, something she had being doing constantly of late. She’d also dreamt of a life with Spencer, but it hadn’t involved her getting pregnant and being sent away, perhaps never to see him again, and to raise his child on her own, without a husband. Because she knew how easily something terrible could happen to him, that he might not make it back.
She walked behind Scarlet until they were back at the hospital, wishing she could head back to their tent instead of going in to find Spencer.
‘He loves you, Ellie,’ Scarlet said as she linked arms with her. ‘He loves you, and he’ll love this baby.’
Ellie looked at Scarlet, took strength from her, then headed straight towards the familiar silhouette of Spencer as Scarlet went to her patients. She’d spotted him straight away, and now that the hospital wasn’t as chaotic with so many patients arriving every hour, it was easier to approach him. She forced herself to smile, didn’t want to appear as nervous as she felt inside. It had been so busy since their afternoon together, with no more days of leave, and they’d only had a snatched few minutes here and there between patients.
‘Spencer?’ she said, pausing a few steps from him.
He turned slowly, a smile breaking out on his face when he saw her.
‘Hello, Ellie,’ he said, his gaze somehow warming her and taking her nerves away at the same time.
‘Spencer, when you have a moment we need to talk,’ she said bravely.
‘Is everything all right?’ He turned back to his patient, said something that she didn’t hear and then put down the board he’d been holding.
Ellie waited, not sure what to say. No, everything was not all right, but then she didn’t want to make a fuss and worry him, either.
‘Ellie, come this way,’ he said, taking her arm and leading her away from the patients and the prying eyes and ears of the other nurses. They moved to the far corner of their large tented hospital, his eyes searching her face.
‘Spencer, I’m sorry, I don’t even know how to tell you this, but . . .’
‘What is it, Ellie? What’s wrong? Tell me.’
A fresh wave of nausea hit her but she forced it down, refused to give in to it right at this moment.