“Your hair is the most incredible color,” she was saying as her fingers continued their soothing movement. “Red, but not really. Blonde, but not really. So striking against your fair complexion and blue eyes. Maybe someday, when you and Kane have children, your babies will inherit your coloring. It’s so exquisite.”
I couldn’t help it. As hard as I blinked. As hard as I swallowed. As hard as I tried to force them back, the tears came in a gush. When the first sob escaped, Marsha’s arms wrapped around me, and I found myself crying with my face pressed into her neck. She just let me hold onto her, and she held onto me, murmuring little soothing noises.
“It’s okay, sweet girl. Get it out.” She patted my back as if I was a most precious baby.
Another set of hands were on me, and I felt Nana hugging me from behind. “Don’t worry, dear one. I’ll find those flowers if it kills me.”
I laughed, and the little sound broke the icy grip of grief and regret from around my heart, and with a big sniff and a swipe of my sleeve across my face, I felt better.
Marsha kissed my forehead as I pulled away, embarrassed now for losing control so completely. “I’m sorry,” I said, still wiping my eyes.
“Nonsense,” Marsha said, drying my face with a tissue, “we females need a good cry every now and again. And considering you’ve just gotten engaged and we’re practically running you down the altar at breakneck speed, you deserve a good one more than most.”
Looking into the green eyes so much like her son’s, a pang of guilt stabbed at me. How could I continue to lie to someone this kind, this loving? Then my gaze shifted to Nana, who was peering at me with worry behind her eyes. How could I tell the truth?
And the real truth was, I didn’t want it to be a lie.
I wanted to be married to Kane.
I wanted to be part of this family.
I wanted to have my own daughter someday so I could comb her hair with my fingers and kiss her cheek, letting her know every moment of her life that she was loved. Wanted. Perfect exactly the way she was.
“Thank you, Marsha, I—”
“Mom,” she cut in. “Please call me Mom.”
My throat threatened to close again, and I blinked hard, pressing the tissues she’d handed me to my eyes. “Thank you… Mom.” The word felt unfamiliar on my tongue and so very wonderful as it rang in the air between this incredible woman and me.
Nana clapped her hands. “Enough of this. Let’s go shopping for a dress. Your appointment at the bridal boutique is in twenty minutes. March!”
With Mom’s arm tucked through my right elbow and Nana’s tucked through the left, we headed out to the limo Mom had hired for the day.
The women had practically moved to New York, having rented a penthouse they called “wedding central” in the same building as Kane’s. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate each time I looked at the stacks of books and charts and samples on the dining room table. I had no idea so many details went into a wedding.
But I loved it too. Although they offered a strong guiding hand, they never made a final decision without my blessing. The last few days had been a whirl of activities — venue, guest lists, colors, cake. I’d tried on designer dresses that cost enough to feed a third world country. And I remembered very little of it.
I hadn’t yet found the dress. Although there had been many I would have been perfectly happy with, Nana insisted I try on dresses until I knew. At the boutique, we were welcomed with champagne and chocolate-dipped strawberries. The silk-covered walls and gauzy ceiling gave the shop a dreamy quality as chandeliers twinkled all around.
When Nana had made my appointment over the phone, she’d told them of all the things I didn’t want. “If there is a poofy sleeve in sight, we’re walking straight out. Hear me?”
Marsha — Mom — had only patted my hand and whispered, “You’ll get used to it. If you need me to intervene or you feel overwhelmed, just give me a double wink, and I’ll come running.”
I laughed. “I don’t think it will get that bad.”
Mom lifted her eyebrow. “Just wait.”
“So, I just double wink? One eye or both?”
“Two winks, right eye, and I’ll come running. If I’m not nearby, text me with a simple ‘x’ and that will be my signal from a distance.”
I looked at her, my respect growing even more. “That’s a good system. Have you used it before?”
“A lot. It’s the system I used with the kids as they grew up. You know how it is, you have a friend who’s begging to spend the night, but you don’t really want them to. Or maybe some peers are pressuring you to go to a party that you know is bad.”
I nodded, though I really didn’t know. Alize couldn’t have been bothered enough for me to have a friend over, and I wasn’t super popular and didn’t go out much.
“So, as Kane or the girls were asking me, I’d watch their eyes. If they gave me a wink-wink, I knew they wanted me to intervene or say no.” She smiled. “It was really funny with Kristen because, the little drama queen that she was, she would ask if a friend could come over, then give me a wink-wink. When I said no, she’d fly to a ‘you’re ruining my life’ tantrum. That girl. I thought she was going to be the death of me.”
“What about Kane? Did he wink-wink often?”
Mom rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding? If he didn’t want to do something, he just told you straight to your face. He was always super honest like that. One time when he was little, maybe first or second grade, I got a call from his teacher.”
I covered my mouth with my hand. “Oh no.”
“Oh yes. So the teacher says, ‘Mrs. Steele, I’m concerned because Kane has told me that you have a great deal of marijuana at your house.’”
I gasped. “You’re kidding. Did you?”
She shot me a look. “Of course not, but she swore that Kane insisted there were loads of it everywhere. Well, I insisted she come visit my house right then, since school had just let out. I picked Kane up from school, and the teacher rode with me so she couldn’t say that I had coerced him into anything. When we got there, I asked Kane to show the teacher where the marijuana was, but he just looked at me funny.”
“And…”
“And the teacher jumped in. She said, ‘Kane, you told me you had weed here. Lots of it. Can you show me?’” Marsha laughed at the memory. “Well, Kane grabbed her hand and marched her to the backyard. And pointed at a weed in the garden. A weed next to the pool. A weed growing beside the fence.”
I snorted and slapped my thigh. “That little stinker.”
Mom wiped her eyes. “I know. But he’d been telling her the truth. The teacher was, of course, mortified. We didn’t have any trouble with her after that.”
***
Staring at myself in the mirror, I felt like a princess. This gown was certainly gorgeous. Simple, just the way I liked it. Elegant.
“Next!” Nana yelled. “Her eyes didn’t sparkle.”
The saleswoman, Valerie, showed her teeth in what would pass as a smile. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered to her as she led me back to the dressing room for the third time.
Valerie’s smile was more genuine now. “Your grandmother is right. When your eyes sparkle, it will be the right one. We’ve just got to find it.”