Where the Memories Lie
By: Sibel Hodge
It was a relief to be away from the house and the family as I took patients’ blood pressure, checked dressings and did blood glucose checks for the diabetic clinic. While I was working I could forget for a time and the morning passed quickly. After Elaine arrived to carry on the afternoon shift, I walked home to Tate Barn to put some washing on and get some new clothes for all of us.
This had to stop. We couldn’t carry on living at Nadia’s. Late last night Ethan had said he was going to move back into the barn at the weekend and go back to work on Monday. I didn’t want to split the family up, but I was dreading Anna’s reaction. She’d have nightmares, I knew it. Even I was having horrible, haunting dreams.
What if she refused to come back here? What should I do then?
Should I force her?
I noticed DI Spencer’s Mondeo parked on the road in front of our house but neither he nor DS Khan was sitting inside it. As I opened the gate I expected them to be checking something in the garage, but the door was closed and bolted from the outside, like always. Odd.
I opened the front door and heard their voices, along with Ethan’s.
I walked into the kitchen and they were sitting at the oak table, empty mugs in front of them and a plate of digestives that were probably stale by now. I thought about adding digestives to my mental shopping list but then thought, Sod it. I didn’t care anymore.
‘Oh, hi.’ I put my bag on the island. ‘I didn’t know you were all here.’ I smiled tentatively at Ethan, who gave me a brief tight smile in return and looked away.
‘Have you got some news? About the DNA results?’ I asked hopefully.
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‘I’m afraid not yet. Any time now we’re expecting it.’ DI Spencer stood and glanced at DS Khan, who followed his lead. ‘We’ve got more enquiries to make so we’ll leave you to it.’ He nodded briefly before they showed themselves out.
An oppressive silence settled over the room after they’d left, buzzing in my ears, and I had to fill it.
‘What did they want?’ I asked Ethan.
He shrugged. ‘They just wanted to talk to me about where I was that Sunday when Katie left home.’
‘Right.’ I sat down next to him. ‘Where were you? They asked me if I remembered what you were doing but I couldn’t remember.
I mean, I know we saw each other in the evening, after I’d come back from looking for her, but—’
‘I don’t remember, OK? How am I supposed to remember what happened twenty-five years ago?’
I was momentarily stunned by the anger in his voice and the look in his eyes. ‘I remember.’
‘You only remember some of it. And that’s because you kept going on and on about it after she left. Just like Chris did.’
‘She didn’t leave, Ethan. She was murdered.’ I surprised myself by keeping my voice on an even keel.
‘We don’t know that yet.’
‘She had a fractured skull. She’s hardly unlikely to bash her own head in, is she? What’s wrong with you? I know you’re grieving about Tom’s death and frustrated and upset about his confession, but what’s happening to us? It’s like you don’t even want to be in the same room as me anymore.’ He was silent so I carried on. ‘You don’t want to talk about anything—’
‘Of course I don’t! Dad talked to you and looked what happened! That’s your job, the talking. And you go on about things until we have to talk. ’ He said the word mockingly. ‘I don’t want to bloody talk!’
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Where the Memories Lie I counted to ten, trying to think of something nice to say.
I carried on to twenty, but niceness had upped and disappeared somewhere. ‘Look, this isn’t my fault, so why are you blaming me?
I had to do something. I had to tell the police. Stop distancing yourself. We’re supposed to be a family – bloody well act like it, instead of leaving me to deal with Anna and going off on your own all the time, brooding. You’re not the only one who’s upset by all of this. You’re not the only one grieving.’
He rested his elbows on the table and put his head in his hands.
I didn’t know he was crying at first. I’d only ever seen him cry once before, and that was when Anna was born, so it seemed so alien that I didn’t understand. It was only the shaking of his shoulders that gave it away.