Where the Memories Lie

 

 

‘But then I feel guilty for thinking like that. I shouldn’t want my dad to die.’ He pulled his hand away and picked up his fork again.

 

‘Don’t feel guilty, Chris. You don’t want him to suffer any more than he has to. That’s natural.’

 

‘I need a drink.’ He stood up and grabbed a couple of bottles of beer from the fridge. ‘Want one?’

 

‘Yes, please.’

 

He flipped off the caps and brought them back to the table.

 

‘I don’t know how Dad did it, you know. Looking after three young kids and running a company at the same time. I never once felt neglected or unloved. If I had a problem he was always there for me.

 

The same with Nadia and Ethan. He was always running us around to various clubs. Me to boxing, Nadia to dance, Ethan to football.

 

We always came first, you know.’ He tipped his head back and took a long sip of beer. ‘I mean, Nadia was great, too. More like a mum sometimes than a big sister.’

 

I took a drink and pushed my food away, my appetite vanish-ing suddenly. It was hard to equate the Tom that we all knew and loved with the Tom who could kill an eighteen-year-old girl. Almost impossible. And if I was finding it hard, how would Nadia, Ethan and Chris feel if I told them what I’d discovered so far?

 

‘You remember Katie?’ I picked at the label on the beer bottle.

 

‘Yeah.’ He sighed. ‘I feel guilty about her, too.’

 

My head snapped up and I locked my gaze on his face. ‘Why?

 

Why would you feel guilty?’

 

‘She left the village because of me, didn’t she? Because I fin-ished with her. I broke her heart.’ He stared down at the bottle in his hands. ‘She wanted us to move in together and get married and have kids and all that stuff, and I just wasn’t ready for it. I . . .’ He sighed. ‘We were too young.’

 

102

 

Where the Memories Lie ‘But you did you love her, didn’t you?’ I thought how different Katie and he were. She was the brash, mouthy, hard girl and he was the quiet loner. Still, didn’t they say opposites attracted?

 

‘Yes. I was gutted when she left. Even though I was the one who broke it off, it didn’t stop me loving her still. You can’t just turn your feelings for someone off. I thought maybe if she’d stayed we might’ve got back together later when she wasn’t trying to pressure me so much ? when we were both a bit older and more ready for such a commitment.’

 

I thought about what Katie had said that last time I saw her, about fucking him again. ‘But you did meet up with each other after you split up, didn’t you? I mean, you were sort of seeing each other.’

 

‘No.’

 

‘You didn’t . . . you know?’ I raised an eyebrow.

 

‘What, meet up for sex?’

 

I shrugged. ‘Well, sometimes it’s hard to let go, isn’t it? You go back and forth a bit, confused, until you make your final decision.’

 

‘No. We never did. In the seven months after the split, I only saw her round the village a few times.’

 

‘But you were the last person to see her that day she ran away, weren’t you? Tell me what happened again.’

 

‘I told that policeman at the time. What was his name?’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. It’s not important.’

 

Except maybe it was. ‘PC Cook?’

 

‘Yeah. It was really early and I was waiting for the bus to take me to the boxing gym. We’d been to the pub the night before to see some band. What were they called?’

 

‘The Jazz Iguanas or something.’

 

He laughed. ‘Yeah, that was it. Crap name. But I left early because I didn’t want to be too tired to spar the next day. Anyway, the Sunday morning Dad was supposed to be giving me a lift to the gym but he said he had something urgent to do so he couldn’t take 103