My eyes fill, hot with tears. Because, apparently, casual crying is just something that I do now. My chest caves in with missing my dad.
I touch the horizon line, skimming my hand over the still-tacky paint. Gold melts into every color of blue where the ocean dips off into nothing. Do you believe in heaven? Vivi asked me once, and I told her the truth: that I want to. In one painting, she gave me something I’ve needed for months now: happiness even in uncertainty. What’s past that horizon line? And how many of us get our somedays? I don’t know.
But just because I don’t know doesn’t mean it can’t be great.
It takes me a second to notice the small letters painted in the bottom corner. But I knew they’d be there like I know they’ll be all over the world someday.
Vivi was here.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
Here’s the truth: I wasn’t sure if I should write this author’s note because When We Collided is just a love story in a world that looks a lot like mine. Some of us go to therapy, some take medication, some have to carefully balance exercise and sleep to stay in a good place mentally. There are bad days. There are also best days: dinner parties, art galleries, vacations, and sunlit, sideways-laughing happiness. They can coexist. They do coexist. This is my normal.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? I didn’t always see this as normal, and I worry that we’re not talking about mental health enough. And if we’re not talking about it enough, how can we possibly shine enough light into places that can feel very dark and very lonely? So I’m going to talk about it here.
This is what I would like to say. The experiences in this book are of course fictional, but depression—whether clinical, spurred on by trauma or grief, or as a component of bipolar disorder—is so very real. If you, like Vivi, are trying to navigate your own mental health or, like Jonah, are grieving or supporting a loved one, I truly encourage you to talk to someone you trust. Reach out to a parent, teacher, counselor, or therapist. Visit the resources I’ve listed for you below. People out there are waiting to be on your side. But first you have to tell them where you are so they can come stand with you. I know verbalizing what you feel—what you need—can be intimidating if you’ve never done it before. But using your voice is a kind of strength that makes you powerful. And while I can’t tell you what will work for you or if that path will have setbacks, I can tell you I believe prioritizing your health is important, undervalued, and something you deserve.
I can also tell you that you are so, so not alone. The CDC statistics about bipolar disorder and depression are staggering, but it can be easy to see those as just numbers. I keep a mental list of all the people I know in real life or people I admire who live with mental illness. People who have faced difficult battles and gone on to thrive. Sure, it takes management, but those friends and family members are my visibility. They’re my list. When I’m having a rough anxiety day, I go over their stories in my mind, like a prayer, like a chant. I see that a diagnosis isn’t a destination a doctor sticks you in but a road you walk—with agency, with travel companions if you wish. That journey can bring you closer to the people beside you and take you as far as you want to go. I believe this.
Sometimes it seems like the portrayals of mental illness we see—in movies, in the news—are primarily tragic ones. Please hear me: there are thousands upon thousands of other stories. One is that it’s hard sometimes, and maybe the path isn’t perfect, but you get there. Some difficult weeks in wonderful lives. That’s Vivi’s story and mine.
Keep talking. Because, even when it does not feel like it, more best days are always ahead. Claim them.
Resources
?Mind.org.uk: Advice and support to anyone experiencing a mental health problem. Their services include supported housing, crisis helplines, drop-in centers, employment and training programs and counselling. Their lines are open 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., Monday to Friday (excluding bank holidays) on 0300 123 3393 or by text message on 86463.
?Headmeds.org.uk: Straight talk on mental health medication. Look up your medication to find out about side effects and things you might not feel comfortable asking your GP about, and read other people’s experiences.
?Samaritans.org: Samaritans volunteers listen in confidence to anyone in emotional distress without judging or giving unwanted advice. If you just need someone to lend an ear at any time, this is the number to call: 08457 90 90 90 (UK) or 116 123 (ROI).