‘I can see that I’ve hurt you, Molly. Not just today, I mean. And I hate that.’ Now I really don’t know what to say to him. I can’t deny it – I won’t deny it. I let him slip his fingers through mine.‘I’m going to do better. I don’t know if I’ve said that before, and if you already know that I won’t, but I can promise you that I’m going to give it everything I’ve got this time. Okay?’
I nod mutely. When he brings my hand to his lips, I feel weak inside, like my resolve is dissolving and I’m being drawn back to him with every breath we take together. Leo looks at the window, but I stare at our hands in his lap, and wonder how much he means that.
And then for the first time I wonder if Andrew is right. Could this be a fresh start for us? A chance to do it over – and to do it with the benefit of hindsight?
We take Lucien for a walk to a park the next day to make the most of a warm afternoon. I hold the lead and Lucien walks close to me at the left, with Leo pushing himself along on my right.
At the park, I unclip Lucien’s lead and he trots off into the centre, but is immediately distracted by a butterfly. Leo and I watch as he does a series of insane acrobatics trying to catch it in his mouth.
‘How was physiotherapy this morning?’
‘The same,’ Leo says. His words are curt. He hasn’t said so, but I can tell that he’s starting to worry about the lack of progress he is making with his physical therapy. ‘But I had this random thought this morning. I thought it might have been a memory surfacing.’
‘What was it?’
‘It’s actually really silly. I knocked some toast to the ground and wondered if it had landed on the buttered side. As I thought about that, you came to mind quite strongly.’
‘Did you think anything in particular about me?’ I can’t help myself – I giggle and I feel a warm flush creeping up my cheeks. I take a few steps away from Leo and sit on a park bench.
‘Maybe. Why?’
He comes closer, pushing the wheelchair easily off the path, but moving the wheels with more effort as he nears the chair. To my surprise, as soon as he’s lined it up beside me, he leaps out of it to sit on the bench seat. He moves himself along until he’s right next to me and then slides his arm around my shoulders. I relax into him instantly, and it’s pure bliss to feel the strength of his body against mine again. He is still so strong and solid. I was always particularly taken by Leo’s heavily muscular frame.
‘I’d actually forgotten about that myself until you said it,’ I murmur. ‘But when we were first dating, we used to play this really silly game…’ I stop laughing, and clear my throat a little awkwardly. ‘It was a silly ritual we got into the habit of. Say we’d order a coffee in a café and you’d say something like, “I bet you it’s going to have latte art on the froth.” And I’d say, “Nope, I reckon it won’t this time.”’
‘And?’
‘And the loser of the bet had to…’ I gesture towards his groin with my elbow. I’m blushing, which is ridiculous – because this is Leo, my husband, the person I played this game with – but our relationship was immensely different back then. ‘Let’s just say, we were usually both winners in the end.’
Leo chuckles and the sound reverberates in his chest. I lean into him even more and he rubs his hand up and down my upper arm.
‘Well, that’s actually a relief to hear,’ he murmurs into my ear. ‘I have to admit, I got a bit worried when a piece of toast falling off the table was enough to give me a raging erection.’
I laugh, and then pause. ‘Actually, I think we did have a bet over a piece of toast on the floor at some point.’ It comes back to me slowly. It was a lazy weekend and we were having breakfast in my dining room. Maybe I knocked the toast or maybe it was Leo – but before I could reach down to get it, he caught my chin in his hand and held my gaze. The need in his eyes was intense before the game had even begun. I reckon that landed on the buttered side down. Usual stakes? I looked under the table and saw that the buttered side was up, but I glanced up at Leo and smiled as I slid off my chair onto my knees.
‘I’m remembering more and more of those months,’ Leo says, startling me out of my daydream. I clear my throat again and resist the urge to fan my cheeks with my hand.
‘That’s good. What’s the last thing you remember?’
‘It’s not really like that… I get fragments of memories and I don’t always understand the meaning or the timeframe at first. Like the toast. I knew there was something there, but I didn’t actually understand it until you explained it.’
‘And now?’
‘I’m pretty sure that later… I saw that the toast was actually butter-side up,’ he says. The unseasonably warm day suddenly feels quite scorching. I pull away from him and turn to face him. Our eyes lock – the current between us is intense. He leans forward and kisses me. ‘I think I miss you, Molly.’
I miss you more.
‘How long has it been?’ he asks me, his voice a whisper.
‘Since we…’
‘Yeah.’