‘You can say that because you knew him properly. All I know of Declan is that he was popular and clever and charming. But if that was who he really was, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, and my mother wouldn’t shut down whenever someone says his name even ten years after he left us.’
‘It sounds like you knew the guy he wanted to be, and there’s probably a good reason for that. He never wanted you to know any of this.’
‘Because I was his sister?’
‘Because you were you. He adored you.’
‘So you’re saying Mum and Dad have lied to me for ten years because Declan “adored” me?’
‘No, I can’t excuse their part in this since his death. But when he was alive, it mattered to him that you looked up to him.’
‘Who was he, Leo? Was he not at all like the man I thought I knew?’
I sighed and stared out to the harbour as I thought about that. ‘He was some of those things you said. He could be charming, but he wasn’t exactly gifted academically – he struggled terribly at uni and frankly, he was out of his depth on our course.’
‘I always thought Dec was at the top of his class,’ she said, but the words had a distant, airy tone to them, as if she was thinking aloud.
‘Dec only got into university because your dad made it happen, Molly. And he only earned his degree because he retook subjects over the summer each year.’
‘And these struggles you mentioned?’
‘Yeah. Dec…’ It was even harder to say than I’d anticipated. I cleared my throat. ‘Like most kids at uni, we messed around a bit with drugs in our first year or two, nothing serious and everyone else we knew grew out of it and settled down. Declan just never learned when enough was enough, you know?’
‘Declan was a drug addict?’ Molly whispered.
How the hell was it falling to me to give her this information? ‘I’m so sorry, Molly.’
‘That’s not true. It can’t be! How could I not have seen this?’
‘Weren’t you living overseas somewhere?’
‘Yes, but I’d only been abroad for a year. He was fine when I was in Sydney.’
‘Actually, he wasn’t,’ I sighed, and she sighed too.
‘I guess he wasn’t.’
I waited for a moment, giving her space to digest what she’d just learned. I was sure she’d need to cry – and after a while, I glanced at her to see if she was. Her eyes were dry, but she was staring blankly at the harbour. I had a sudden and vivid sense of déjà vu – this was the same neutral expression she’d worn throughout his funeral. It spoke of a shock and loss too great to process on the fly.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked.
‘I’m trying to convince myself you’re a lunatic or that you’re lying to me about this,’ she muttered, then she shot me a sideways glance. ‘But it’s not working because I know you’re not.’
‘I think his problems actually started in our second or third year of uni,’ I said quietly. ‘He was always surrounded by a veritable swarm of eager potential girlfriends, but he never really knew how to speak to them and he was forever telling me that they were only interested in him for his money. He wanted to come out of his shell and he was a completely different guy when he was high – outgoing and confident – that’s when he was the life and soul of the party.’
‘Would I have seen him high?’
‘I’m not sure. I remember he went to spend Christmas with you in that last year – he was completely out of control by then, so you probably did.’
‘Why didn’t I notice?’
‘You weren’t looking for it.’
‘What drugs did he use?’
It would have been easier to list for her the drugs that he didn’t use, but she didn’t need to know that. ‘It was heroin that he came unstuck on in the end.’
‘Did you try to help him?’
‘Of course I did. Your parents did too.’
‘But nothing worked?’
‘Some things did. Dec had a few periods of sobriety – including quite a long period just before his death – maybe a few months.’ Ah, the false hope those months had offered me. Our friendship seemed back on an even keel and Dec had seemed almost at peace again.
‘Did he go to rehab?’
‘No,’ I murmured. ‘Your parents were worried about confidentiality – his privacy. So they always tried to organise his treatment at home.’
‘You mean, they were worried about their reputation,’ Molly surmised.
‘That was probably a factor.’
‘Do you think if he had gone to a proper rehab place, he would still be alive?’
‘I wondered about that for a while, but I don’t think it would have made a difference in the end.’
‘So how did he die?’