Her mouth curved down. “No. I left it at the store.”
I got it, then. Without this offering to the mother she hadn’t seen in twenty-four hours, something that would capture her attention and get a reaction, Dani had reached for a replacement. Perhaps that’s why she’d held on to what she saw me do at the store, knowing instinctively that it might have value. I’d done the same when I was her age. A hundred times over. A thousand.
But I’d never done it at the expense of someone else I loved. At least, I didn’t think so.
“Will you sing me a song?” she asked, her voice high and squeaky in the semidarkness.
“I thought you only wanted a kiss good night.”
“A kiss and a song. Two songs.”
She’d had Mom read to her, and Richard come in to chuck her on the chin and tell her she was beautiful. Why couldn’t these things give her what she needed? Why was it always my closing act that finally filled up her void to the brim?
“Not tonight,” I said, leaning down to kiss her on the curved part of her nose, the part that felt like it was on a doll’s face. “My throat hurts.”
I’ll admit it. It felt good to deny her, to withhold what she took for granted.
“But Ari . . .”
“I said no.” More firmly now. I’d committed. I couldn’t waffle.
“But . . .”
“No.”
Suddenly, it was her perfect little mouth expecting, her eyes wanting, her hands grabbing, that embodied everything I resented about my family.
Yes, the normal rules of give-and-take back-and-forth don’t apply to a seven-year-old child. Yes, she didn’t understand how it wasn’t simply a song but so much she had no control over. I knew that intellectually. But this one time, because she was here in front of me and because I could, I needed to spread out my empty palms and say, Sorry, kid, I’m all out.
It was what filled my void right then.
“Good night,” I said. “See you in the morning.”
Then I walked out before she could say anything back.
“Shit,” said Camden on the phone when I told him.
I was in bed with the covers over my head. Here, I could make the world consist only of me and the voice of a boy I loved.
“This is what my life is like.” I tried to keep from sounding completely beaten down. I didn’t want his sympathy; I just wanted someone to bear witness. “I mean, really. Am I their daughter or their au pair?”
“Don’t blame your sister. She’s a little kid.”
“That’s precisely why it’s easier to blame her.”
“Maybe you can find her a babysitter for the day.”
“Who would I call? We’ve never needed a babysitter because, you know, me.”
“We’ll figure something out,” he said confidently. “You are going to the SuperCon. You are.”
We were quiet for a moment. I heard him breathe, then crunch on something.
“What are you eating?”
“White cheddar cheese crackers.”
“Great. As if it wasn’t already hard enough, that I’m not there with you.”
He laughed, then there was more silence as Camden crunched. This seemed absurdly sexy. I pictured him at his kitchen counter, so sure everything was going to be fine, able to eat cheese crackers or drink wine or do whatever the hell he wanted without needing it to be preauthorized.
“You’re lucky you don’t have family bullshit to deal with,” I said with a sigh.
The crunching stopped. After a pause, Camden said earnestly, “You’re lucky you have a family to have bullshit with.”
I felt my ears turn red, glad he was not there to see it. I swallowed hard. “Point taken.”
“Sorry. My mom called a little while ago. It was a weird one. She’s feeling lonely.”
“What did she say?”
“She said, ‘I’m feeling lonely.’ She also said, ‘Come stay with me for the rest of the summer.’”
I wasn’t moving, but I froze anyway.
“What did you say?”
“I said no.” He paused, and I heard him take a shuddering breath. “I guess there’s a first time for everything. But I don’t want to quit the hotline; they need me. I have responsibilities and plans. And you. She understood. Or at least, she did a good job of faking it.”
There was victory in his tone, like he’d struggled and won.
“Who’s there with you tonight?” I asked.
“Just Jamie. Eliza’s mad at me for not believing her about the paints, and Max didn’t want to get in the middle.”
I didn’t want to talk about Eliza. Hearing her name made all the Bad Things about the day come creeping into my little bed fort. By way of diversion I said, “You know, Kendall’s crushing hard on Jamie. She has no idea if the feeling is mutual.”
Camden started crunching again. “Jamie’s a hard one to read. He got his heart stomped on pretty hard last year. Do you want me to do some reconnaissance?”