Max opened his mouth to say something, but it seemed like he couldn’t decide what it was going to be. On instinct, I jumped in and told a similar story about Danielle eating a penny when she was four years old.
All of us here at the lake, being and sharing and enjoying. It was worth it, whatever consequences might happen as a result of me taking this day. I’d crossed over to something I didn’t know was there until it manifested.
After the snacks were gone and the good stories told, we quieted down. It felt natural, part of the expected lazy rhythm of summer. In this lull, I stood up and took a step down the beach, then turned back to Camden and motioned toward the water. Suddenly I was traveling across the sand, not even feeling the jagged pebbles that I usually stepped over, knowing Camden was following me. I did a running dive and heard him do the same. The water. Finally warm, finally that ideal temperature that almost feels bittersweet on your skin because it lasts such a short time. When I came up for air, I scanned the beach, then realized I was looking for Danielle. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been here without her, where I didn’t have to worry about her safety. To set a good example.
Now I swiveled around, looking for Camden. He was treading water a dozen feet away, waiting for me to notice him. He jerked his head toward the raft and I nodded back, then we started swimming.
I thought fleetingly of that day when he taught Dani how to dive, when I’d watched Eliza and Max doing exactly what I was doing now. It felt like eons ago.
Camden reached the raft first and when I climbed up, he was already sitting there casually, his knees drawn to his chest. I crawled to a spot across from him and folded my legs to my side. The sun was beginning to get intense and I could already feel the heat grow on my back.
“Alone at last,” he said, searching my face. Maybe he’d had those hunger pangs, too.
“Not really.”
“Close enough.”
He leaned in now and kissed me. Not quickly, not slowly. Just perfectly. I almost cried from the relief of it. We stayed connected for as long as we could, knowing there were surely people watching us.
When Camden pulled away, he sighed, then stretched out on his stomach. His elbows bent, his head sideways on his hands facing me. I lay down on my left side using my arm as a pillow and we stared at each other.
“Is this what you thought it would be?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said simply.
He closed his eyes and nodded, and that was all. I searched for the sound of his breathing amidst the splashes and voices and birds overhead, and when I found it, I had everything I needed in that moment.
Take it, Ari. You deserve it.
I took it. I tried to soak it into my pores, the perfection of right-this-second. But when Camden still didn’t speak after a few minutes, I poked his shoulder.
“Are you asleep?” I asked.
He smiled without opening his eyes. “Very much the opposite.”
But he said no more, and after a few moments, all the uncertainties of my life—and his—started wandering in. I kept pushing them roughly away and they’d stagger right back.
Finally I asked, “Have you talked to your mom lately?”
“I talk to her every day,” he said flatly, then propped himself up on one elbow. “Ari, you are here without your sister. You have several hours without any obligations or responsibilities. Can’t you just be?”
It stung for a moment, what he said, but when I looked at him I realized he didn’t mean it to. He was saying it because he cared. Because he wanted something for me.
“I can be,” I said. “Hell, I can be the ass off anyone.”
“Great,” said Camden, lying back down. He slithered his feet around my ankles and kept them there.
Maybe it could be done. Maybe I could live both my lives. Or they could become one. I closed my eyes and felt the pressure of Camden’s feet against mine, matched my breathing to his. In the middle of this just being, the thought came and I couldn’t push this one away either.
I’m in love with you.
It was as easy and obvious as air. I let it fill me.
I’m not sure how much time passed. It felt like a month, but was probably more along the lines of five minutes. Then I heard splashing and raised my head to see Kendall swimming toward the raft.
“Hey,” I said.
“You should come back to the beach.” There was something heavy and dark in her eyes.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Just come back,” she said, and swam away. Camden and I looked at each other, then at the beach. I couldn’t see anything except Eliza, Max, and James standing in a cluster.
“Come on,” he said, clearly worried.
We dove into the water and swam.
I could hear Max’s raised voice as soon as my feet found the lake bottom. Kendall stood nearby, holding out my towel, which I grabbed and wrapped around me.
“What’s going on?” I asked.