“It’s brave of you to keep being you. I’m sure it would be easy to buckle.”
“Not really. For me, it would be harder to buckle. And you know what? It’s not really a big deal. I don’t waste a lot of time thinking about it, and while I wish things were different, and would happily work for them to be different, it’s them with the problem. They need to buckle. Not me.”
He nodded, staring at her thoughtfully. “Healthy way to look at it.”
“I’ve seen Brian go through a ton of shit because of his parents; I’ve seen Candace go through it too. It’s ridiculous. I refuse. If rarely speaking to mine is the best way to keep the peace, so be it. It’s sad, but…” She shrugged. “What are ya gonna do?”
“Mine aren’t so bad, I guess. They don’t run my personal business, they only like to keep their noses in it. I mean, Dad’s my boss, of course, but other than that, they don’t interfere much except where the girls are concerned. You know how when you’re a kid, sometimes getting the hour-long ‘I’m so disappointed in you’ talk was usually worse than whatever punishment they were going to give you? My dad is an expert at that talk. And I’ve vowed to never give that talk to my kids. I don’t see how they could ever be a disappointment to me, not ever.”
“They’re lucky to have you, then.”
Jared toyed with the straw in his tea. “It’s such a fine line, though. You want to correct them, you want to do right by them, but you want them to know that unconditional love is always there even if they do mess up.”
“You don’t want them to think they’re ever a disappointment, but then again you don’t want them to be spoiled brats who think they can always do whatever the fuck they want to anyone and get away with it.”
“Exactly.” He chuckled. “Mia, she’s the more headstrong one. She likes to run the show and she hates to lose, as you just saw. I’m glad of that, but at the same time, I worry more about her than Ash, who’s more go-with-the-flow.”
“I can see that.” Starla’s gaze drifted to the bathroom, where the door was opening and the two girls were tumbling out in their neon-green uniforms. They looked so much alike that she was glad of the different-colored hair. They would’ve been nearly identical otherwise. “They’ll be fine. They have two parents who love them very much.” And if I could be in their lives, I would love them very much too. I would make sure they knew they could be anything they want to be in this life, and if their dad ever did forget the words he just said, I’d make damn sure he remembered them.
Would it be her place, though? If she and Jared gave this thing a shot long-term, how would he react to her being any sort of influence on his kids? Uncouth, disgraceful, vulgar, tasteless… All words she’d heard from her own parents more than once, describing everything from her mouth to her music to her body art to her sense of style. Nothing about her had escaped their pious, self-righteous criticism, their where-did-we-go-wrong hand-wringing. It made her sick to think anyone on this earth would want to fuck up their kids’ sense of self-worth by treating them that way, and then call themselves Christians in the same breath.
She wanted a chance to fix it. She wanted a chance to get it right. If not through her own kids—perish the thought—then maybe through someone else’s. Maybe in doing that, she could find healing for herself.
As Ashley slid into the booth beside her, she leaned over and wrapped her slender little arms around Starla, squeezing her tight. “I love you,” she said.
Just like that. Oh, to have that innocence again, to be able to easily say words adults sometimes had to wrench from their throats with all their might.
Starla leaned her cheek on the top of Ashley’s head; she couldn’t move her arms for the little girl’s fierce embrace. “Aw, you’re so sweet. I love you too.”
Mia, of course, was not to be outdone. “I love you too, Starla!”
“And I love you!”
“What the heck, where did these nice kids come from?” Jared asked, tickling Mia under her chin as she giggled and fought him. “Who are you?”
The waitress showed up to take their pizza order, so suddenly everyone was on their best behavior, but Starla knew the damage had been done in her heart. She couldn’t fall for this guy or his kids, she knew it. She’d told herself repeatedly. But she already had. She loved everything about them.
She was fucked.
Chapter Twenty-two
“Do you want to have more kids?”
She asked it casually, but Jared suspected there was an element of apprehension behind that question—if not outright dread. They lay facing each other in his bed, Starla’s face half in shadow and half softly illuminated by his bedside lamp, her nude body lithe and enticing with all its dips and curves. So beautiful he could hardly stop looking at her long enough to kiss her, and could hardly stop kissing her long enough to answer her.
“I’ve never given it much thought.”