TOM SCHARPLING—COMEDIAN, WRITER, RADIO AND PODCAST HOST
I think it is a very bad thing to have a 4 on the front of your age at this point in history because you saw three lifetimes’ worth of changes crammed into twenty years, and it’s the wrong twenty years to grow up with.
Part of your current daily routine would take half a year not too long ago.
MARGARET CHO—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
I want to age really dignified, like Amy Tan. I want to be really thin. I want to have kind of a very sharp, short bob haircut that’s gray. I want to wear sort of Mandarin collar shirts all the time and be really, really Amy Tan about it. Teach. Do a lot of workshops. A lot of workshops and a lot of tai chi. I’ll be at a university or teaching at a school, although I don’t think I can do that because I don’t even have a high school diploma.
NORM MACDONALD—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
I love super old people because they help you with perspective. I love country songs and shit, but there’s this myth about the old guy that never forgot about the girl and he’s drinking and shit. That’s not true. When you meet old people, you ask, “Hey, is your heart broken?”
“Huh? What?” They don’t care. It’s all like comedy to them. They have incredible perspective.
Then I was thinking if I could only get that perspective instantly. Just pretend you’re a fucking old man and forget stuff instantly.
RUSSELL PETERS—COMEDIAN
You know how you find out what’s inappropriate? Talk to an old person. They always just say what they see. There’s no malice involved. They just say what the fuck they see.
My dad was born in 1925. He would say things when my friends would come over, and 95 percent of my friends were black. They would come over, and my dad was like, “Russell, there’s some Negro here at the door,” and I’m like, “Dad, what are you doing?” and you would think my black friend would be like, “What the fuck did you say?” But he’d be like, “Eh, what are you going to do? He’s old.” There’s no malice. It’s just, it’s really about intent.
RAY ROMANO—COMEDIAN, WRITER, PRODUCER, ACTOR
I remember when I was living in New York and it was ten degrees out and I drove past an old woman at a bus stop at about ten at night, so the buses aren’t coming frequently. This was in Queens. She was an old woman. Ten degrees, maybe fifteen degrees, and I’m driving somewhere and I can see her. I think to myself, “That woman could die tonight. At fifteen degrees, she’s eightysomething years old.” My conscience tells me, “I got to go back and make sure because whatever.”
I go around the block and I open my window as I drive by and I just go, “Are you okay?” She’s a little startled, like, “Who’s this guy talking to me?” She says, “What? What?” And I ask, “Are you okay? It’s very cold out. Are you okay?”
She doesn’t know, creepy guy talking to her. I saw that I startled her so I drove away, she said she’s okay. Then I started thinking, “I just startled her in fifteen-degree weather. What if her heart’s skipping beats?” So I had to go around again just to make sure she’s calming down.
I went around again and she saw me go around again. Now I’m fucking stuck going around the block all night.
BOB SAGET—COMEDIAN, ACTOR, WRITER
I went through a lot of metaphysical stuff in my twenties. I went to past life therapy. I sat there and went, “Oh, I was a pharaoh when I was fourteen.” Then I started getting into drugs, so I was fine after that.
My outlook now is to not be afraid of death. This is a stupid thing to say for a mortal—if you can stop your fear of death or at least stop thinking about it for a while, you can give some thoughtful moments to the things that actually mean something to you.
TERRY GROSS—RADIO HOST
I think about death a fair amount. I’m not obsessed about it or anything. Part of the meaning of life is knowing that you’re going to die, that’s part of where you derive meaning, knowing that life is a measured amount of time, so you have to use that time wisely.
Marc
Yeah, something like that.
JULIA SWEENEY—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
My daughter said to me recently, “You know, Dad’s side of the family, they don’t even believe in an afterlife. They don’t talk about people dying that much. But your side of the family, they all believe in this afterlife”—even though she knows I don’t—“you’re totally comfortable talking about how this person’s going to be dead and soon we’ll all be dead and soon we’ll all be in the ground.” And I think that’s healthy. I like it.
I am trying to think about death a lot. I think it gives me a more palpable sensation about being alive. My new thing is when I see babies anywhere, I think, “When that baby’s my age, I won’t be alive.” And it gives you a little tingle. I don’t know why that makes me feel calmer.
LENA DUNHAM—ACTOR, WRITER, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER
Sometimes if I’m in the middle of a conversation I think is stupid or unnecessary, the first place my brain goes, is like, “You know we’re all going to die someday, you idiots. Why are you being so lame when you’re just going to die? What do you think, you’re going to live forever because of your stupid green juice, you bitch?”
WILL FORTE—COMEDIAN, ACTOR, WRITER
Every once in a while I will go very big picture on stuff. Ultimate big picture is realizing you’re, at some point, going to die. What does it matter anyway? That’s the biggest picture. Slightly pulled back from that big picture. I’ll go there. “What does it matter?” All I care about are really my family and friends. That’s what I really care about.
I remember when my grandma died, and the ultimate big picture thing, I thought, “This is going to happen to all of us. Why do I spend one moment of my life worrying about anything? I should just be not worrying about anything ever.”
ROBIN WILLIAMS—COMEDIAN, ACTOR (1951–2014)
One time on TV, David Letterman leaned over to me during a commercial break and said, “Do you find yourself getting really emotional after this heart surgery?” I said, “Yeah,” and I started to cry. And then he said, “We’re back.” I went, “Oh, fuck. I’m not going to break down. I’m not going to pull a Barbara Walters.”
I think you get more emotional because literally they’ve cracked the armor. Guys are like, “Fuck you, man, I’m armored up.” Then, the moment they peel you open and it’s like literally you have this scar here. They opened you up and literally to the world, went inside, fixed the box, and then sealed you back up again, and said you’re back. You’re very conscious of it because there’s wires and shit and you’re literally so vulnerable in a weird way.
MEL BROOKS—COMEDIAN, WRITER, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, ACTOR, MUSICIAN