I met Lorne in his office. He offered me water. I said no. I then gave myself the little life lesson. From then on it was like, “Oh, say yes to the water.” Just say yes because you’ll get dry mouth. This guy may never give you anything again, drink his fucking water. It’s probably great water.
Then we had a great moment where Horatio—or was it Tina? I forget who it was, it was a person that was someone I looked up to and I can’t believe I’m in the same room on this floor with them and they’re talking to me and giving me advice. “Don’t worry, it’s just kind of a cool meeting, he’s just going to make sure you’re not crazy. He won’t ask you anything about the show, so don’t think it’s anything like that.” I’m like, “Okay, good. Thank God.”
Literally five minutes in, we’re talking and then he asks, “So what era did you grow up with?”
I’m like, “What do you mean?”
“Of the show, what era?”
And I just went fucking blank, I was like, “Horatio said you wouldn’t ask me a thing about the show,” in my head, and I’m just kind of staring. The answer is Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, those years.
I was like, “Oh, gosh.” The first person that came to my mind was Eddie Murphy, one of my absolute all-time favorites, top three performers ever. But I know he didn’t hire Eddie Murphy. Swallowed that and then the other one. I was like, just, “Well, you know, we grew up with the best of John Belushi videotape,” and just kind of stumbling forth. He just kind of smiled and he goes, “No, no, that’s okay. I didn’t watch the show when I didn’t work on it either.” Which is so great, such a bailout.
He was very patient and understanding of my situation. I think he knew I wanted to perform.
I wrote for thirty-seven episodes. There was always sort of a sign indicating that there’s a chance I would be a performer, but I had to have that talk with him. I was kind of like, “I don’t think I can write here, I don’t think I’m giving you all I can give and you’re not getting everything out of me.” That’s like what I would say to a coach. I’d go in there and say, “You’ve got to give me the green light. I’m not going to shoot every time, but I’ve got to know that you trust me to.” It’s one of those kinds of conversations.
He called on a Friday. My friend Katie was an assistant for him at the time and I had a voice mail, like old-school screened calls. I was lying in bed, it was, like, twelve thirty on an off week. In the afternoon, I’m not even up.
“Hey, Sudeikis, it’s Katie. I’ve got Lorne for you, give us a call.” I was like, “That’s a first.” So get up, took a shower. Called my wife at the time and I might have left a message because she didn’t answer. I say, “Hey, I might be calling you back here soon with some info. It’s going to be something. It’s either going to be you’re fired or … It’s not going to be, ‘How you doing?’”
Then I call Lorne.
“Hi. Lorne, how are you doing?”
“So we want to move you into the cast.”
It’s always “we,” “the show.” It’s always the Royal We, it’s fantastic. I actually appreciate that sentiment.
“Great, when?”
“Monday. When it comes time to write, just write something you think you can score on.”
I was like, “Okay, great.”
I said, “Thank you”—and then hanging up—“for changing my life.”
I called Kate and then called my buddies and we went and got day drunk and hit golf balls at Chelsea Piers.
My first show, it was like, “I’m in the cast, holy shit.” Went home that night, tried to fall asleep until 6:00 A.M. Couldn’t. Had to get up. Went over to my television and the used futon that I had bought because I thought I was going to be out of there in a few weeks, two years before. Watched the opening credits, listened to Don Pardo say my name, and bawled my fucking eyes out. That’s how it went down.
Marc
It’s nice to be bawling your eyes out on a used futon for a good reason.
WILL FORTE—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
I was doing a Groundlings show one night and all of a sudden there’s a whisper that I hear “Oh, Lorne Michaels is in the audience.” I was under contract at That ’70s Show and we had just found out we got picked up for two years. I had a great show that night because there was no way I could do SNL even if Lorne liked me. All these other performers are probably nervous about it and I was loose as a goose.
I had a good show that night and then he asked me to audition. I hadn’t even thought that would ever be something that I could do. Then the production company of That ’70s Show said, “Oh, you’ve got to go audition!” I wanted them to say, “Oh no, you can’t go audition,” because I was terrified of it.
I finally just thought, “Okay, I’ve got to go audition.” It was as terrifying as I thought.
For my audition, I did this sketch I used to do at the Groundlings. It’s about this gold man who panhandles. Basically, the guy is dressed all in gold and if you give a dollar or something they’ll do the robotic movement. So a robber comes, takes all his money and he is very sad and then a little kid comes by and asks his dad, “Why is this gold man so sad?”
“Well, I don’t know but if you give him a dollar, maybe he will tell you. And if you give him two dollars, maybe he’ll tell you in song.”
So the kid puts two dollars in and I sing this really uplifting song about the tough life of a gold man. At the end, I sing, “Well, it’s because I got a little secret: I sell cock for my face paint. I sell cock for my face paint!” The rest of the song is just the words “cock” and “face paint” basically. “I sell cock for my face paint. Cock! Cock! Face paint! Cock-cock-cock! Face paint!” It’s just probably 250 times saying the word “cock.”
I did that at SNL as the final thing in my audition and as I walked out, Lorne was right there and he said, “Thank you for coming.” And I said, “I’m sorry about all the cocks.” I didn’t know what else to say! And that was it. And then I found out I got the job!
“I’m sorry about all the cocks.”
LORNE MICHAELS
That cast of Kristen, Fred, Will, Jason, amazing. Then six people leave, because it’s their time. Then you have to introduce a whole new group of people, and people say, “Well, they’re not the ones we love.” You say, “Trust me.”
I used to say that all babies are ugly unless they’re your baby, and then after a while, three, four months into it, people go, “What a cute baby.” When they first come out they’re not necessarily great-looking.
JENNY SLATE—COMEDIAN, WRITER, PRODUCER, ACTOR
They were like, “Lorne wants you to come back to meet with him, but it doesn’t mean that you’re hired; and don’t expect anything, and you’ll probably wait for, like, three hours to see him and just sit there.” I was like, “Oh, okay, this is so psycho.”
I got there and waited for, like, ten minutes and then I went in his office. He asked me, “Where are you from?”
I said, “Massachusetts.”
He was like, “Have you worked with wigs a lot before?”
I thought he meant Kristen Wiig, and I was like, “I’ve never even met her, but I really admire her.”