My phone is in my lap.
My mother is screaming.
Dare is walking up the mountain, covered in blood.
Everything goes black.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I’m awake and I’m muttering and it’s a minute before my words become coherent.
“The night is dark, the ground is cold.”
I don’t know what it means.
All I know is I’m the rabbit and Whitley is the hole and I’m fallingfallingfalling.
I’m terrified of the dark, because it seems to growl outside of my window.
I’m terrified of being alone, and so I bolt out of bed like a shot, And make my way to Dare’s bed.
I expect him to turn me away, but he doesn’t.
He’s in his sheets, twisted among blankets, but he doesn’t act surprised to see me.
He simply opens his arms.
“Come here,” he says,
so I do.
* * *
Sabine’s voice lulls me, calms me.
“It’s meant to be,” she tells me, and I don’t understand.
“What is?” I ask, and I sound so young, like a child. It’s my innocence shining through and she smiles.
“Everything.”
“Am I here for a reason?” I ask, although I already know the answer.
“Yes,” she nods. “You are. And you’ll come to it.”
“Can you help?”
She nods again. “I already am, child. I already am.”
She hands me tea and I take it.
“Is there valium in this?” I ask, only half joking and she smiles.
“No.”
“Can there be?”
She smiles again. “You don’t need it.”
I beg to differ, but I don’t.
“The truth is coming, child. Be ready for it.”
I try to be, but it’s hard, because I don’t know what to watch for.
I go through the motions of my days, sitting with Eleanor when she asks, and spending my nights with Dare.
During the days, he’s aloof and cool and detached, but at night, he’s different.
He’s warm and gentle and mine.
By night I am free.
Nocte liber sum.
Tonight, he waits for me.
Tonight, he lies next to me, propped on his elbow, staring down at me.
“You’ve always been mine,” he tells me, his voice low. “Even before you knew it.”
He kisses me almost before I can answer, before I can tell him that he’s mine, too. I sigh and he sucks it in, his tongue in my mouth. His lips are soft, his arms are hard, and I don’t want to ever leave this bed.
For the first time, I fall asleep in his arms, the rhythm of his breathing and his heart lulling me into sleep.
His arms can’t keep the dreams away.
There’s blood, like always, but it isn’t mine.
It isn’t Finn’s.
It’s Dare’s.
Olivia stands in front of me again, her eyes accusatory.
Surprised, I stare at her.
“Why are you here?”
She stares back.
“Why are you? You don’t belong with him.”
“I do,” I argue. “I do.”
“You don’t deserve him,” she whispers, her face turning white. “You’re his downfall.”
“Why am I his downfall?” I almost scream it. “I’m harmless. I haven’t hurt a soul.”
“But you did,” she argues simply, waving her arm. The cliffs by my house appear, and my mom’s smashed car is in the ravine. There’s blood, there’s screams and they’re dead.
“I called my mom,” I remember. “She crashed into my brother.”
Olivia stares at me. “The past is a prison, and you’ll never break free.”
“Wake up, Cal. Wake up.”
It’s Dare now, and he’s murmuring into my ears and his grip is too hard on my arms. I squirm away.
“Why did you say that?” he demands, his eyes so stormy. The sheets are around his waist and his chest is bare.
“Say what?” I say dumbly, fighting to emerge from the cloud of sleep.
“The past is a prison,” he answers harshly. “My mother used to say that.”
I shake my head slowly from side to side. “I don’t know why I said it.”
I can’t tell him that I’m dreaming of his mother.
He’ll think I’m crazy,
because I am.