Gemma’s arms came around her. “Of course I love you. You’re my best friend.”
“Not ‘of course.’” She pulled back and swiped at her tears. “I’ve never had a friend like you before. And I was so afraid of the bottom dropping out from under me at any second, I screwed up. I lied to you about guys who never even existed. And now I can’t stop crying because I kept the rest of it from you, which is also screwed up, because that’s my right. But it still fucking hurts because you’ve shared everything with me and I should have trusted you with it.” She squared her shoulders, desperately trying to escape the pain swelling inside her.
“I don’t care about guys who never existed,” Gemma said carefully. “I care about you. What happened?”
“Stop being so understanding!” She squeezed Gemma’s hand and smiled through her tears. “Just tell me you’re angry with me and get it over with.”
“Fine, yes. I’m a little hurt. Who wouldn’t be? We’ve been through so much together. But you’re crying, and I know a little about perspective, so whatever you were afraid to tell me, I’m sure it outweighs my stupid hurt feelings. And if it doesn’t? Then I’ll give you a hard time.” Between Gemma’s childhood and Tru’s history, she had enough perspective for a hundred people.
Crystal’s hands dropped to her sides, nervously opening and closing. “I didn’t leave college because of finances. I was raped, and I couldn’t take being on campus.” Her voice cracked, and she gulped in a ragged breath. “I tried, but two days after it happened, I gave up and came here.”
Tears slid down Gemma’s cheeks as she reached for Crystal again, hugging her so tight it was even harder for her to breathe.
“Crys,” she said compassionately, holding her while they both cried. “I’m so sorry that happened to you and that you felt you had to hold it in all this time.”
Crystal’s mind spun. She was too overwhelmed to respond, wishing everything could have been different and knowing that all the wishing in the world couldn’t change the past—or the future. Only she had the power to change her future, just as she’d done when she’d left the trailer park and when she’d come to Peaceful Harbor.
And when I let Bear into my life.
She drew back, feeling a little more confident. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about Bear for so long, but it’s all been so confusing. You need to know the rest of the story.” They sat at the table, and Crystal told her about how she’d reinvented herself time and time again. She told her about changing her hair and name, putting herself through years of therapy, and finally, she told her the truth about Bear.
“He was the reason I went back to my therapist. I was falling for him for so long, and I wanted him, Gem. I wanted him like I’ve never wanted a man in my life. When we finally kissed, I was so afraid I was going to fall apart, that I did. But I wasn’t afraid of him, and I wasn’t afraid of making out or having sex, or any of that. I mean, I was nervous about sex—don’t get me wrong—because it had been years since I’d done that and because of what I’d been through. But I wasn’t afraid. Not with Bear.”
She paused, thinking about how much she loved him. It was that love that pushed her to explain the rest of the story to Gemma. “David, my therapist, explained that it’s not uncommon in situations such as mine to worry about panicking. I had overcome the trauma and the fear of the rape, but I had built up being close to Bear to such epic proportions that it was no longer the situation itself that caused me to panic. It was the anxiety caused by worrying about it. It’s confusing, and that’s a very shortened and probably inaccurate description, but hopefully you get the idea.”
“I get it. I really do. You were afraid you’d freak out, and that anxiety is what caused you to. I just wish I could have helped you.”
“You did help me. Your friendship has been my saving grace. During those weekly sessions with David, when I’d see him at lunch or after work and I’d feel off for a few hours, or days, you were always there to cheer me up. Even when you didn’t know the truth about what had happened.”
Understanding shone in Gemma’s eyes. “All those bad dates.”
“Yes,” Crystal said, feeling guilty all over again.
“Now that I know the truth, I can see it. You were much more standoffish when we first met. I’ve never thought about it, but now it’s so clear. Those bad dates turned into—”
“Assholes, guys who weren’t good in bed, and then…” She paused, realizing that the most recent way she’d referred to men had showed her progression from victim to being in control. “I became a girl nobody would want to mess with and made up those guys. And then, when those bad dates turned into ‘play toys to entertain me for a night,’ it was all part of moving past what had happened. Obviously, I didn’t want ‘play toys,’ but as I was healing and becoming more self-empowered, I wanted to tell you. I wasn’t ready to lay it all out there, so using those stories was my way of sharing it with you. I did go on a few dates last year, but I never felt anything, not even when we kissed good night. And I thought I’d fooled myself into thinking I was healed. And then I met Bear, and sparks flew from the first time we set eyes on each other.”
Gemma hugged her again. “Fireworks. Volcanoes. You two have had undeniable chemistry forever.”
“I know, right? And things are good now. David was right. Telling Bear what I had been through helped tremendously. Not just because he could be more careful with me, but voicing my fears made me less afraid of them. And you know Bear. He’s wonderful, Gemma. There’s no room for fear when I’m with him. He’s careful, and loving, and…if I’m being honest, he’s had a hard time about my not going to the police.”
“I was wondering about that.” Gemma tucked her hair behind her ear. “He’s so…”
“Pushy? Assumptive? Handsy? Aggressive?” She smiled, because she’d called him all those things since the day they’d met, when he’d first slung that massive arm over her shoulder and called her sugar.
“Protective,” Gemma said.
“He’s much better about it. But when I first told him, he looked like he wanted to throttle every man we passed,” Crystal admitted.
“Does that change how you feel about your decision?”
“I did the right thing for me, and I can’t change that. I feel bad that it’s hard for him, but we’re both on the same page now.” Crystal looked at the office door, behind which her kitty was either sleeping or playing with her toys. She still couldn’t stand to leave her alone during the day.
“Is that why he gave you Harley?”
She nodded. “The night I told him about what happened, I wanted to be alone afterward, and that killed him.”