And now I was completely fucking gutted. She’d been pregnant with my child, had probably been terrified to tell me… and had been met with a cold, heartless breakup instead.
Her words ripped my heart from my chest and crushed it with a fist drenched in blame. Maybe what I’d done had caused her to lose the baby and maybe it hadn’t, but I’d heard the conviction in her words either way. I’d broken her. Me. The tears that were falling down her face were all my fault and I felt helpless.
“I didn’t know,” it was all I could think to say. I had figured her feelings were hurt, but I had no idea that it was anything like she was describing. I’d sent her into a deep depression. So much for thinking she was better off without me. “Nora, I get why you didn’t tell me. But fuck… we made a baby together? I didn’t know.” I just kept repeating it—I couldn’t believe that she was pregnant and I never got to touch her stomach, to dream about the what could have beens together. I know she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to feel like I only stayed around for the baby but dammit, I wish she would have.
“Of course you didn’t. You never looked back.” She pulled her arms across her chest and I watched the chill of the air pucker her skin. “You just went on and lived your life like I never existed.”
“That is not true,” I tried to explain. I stood quickly from the glider and walked over to the front door. “How could I pretend like you never existed?” I asked, reaching inside the front door to grab a jacket for her. My zip-up sweatshirt I wrapped around her shoulders when I returned was the least I could do. “I thought about you all the time.”
She tugged the jacket around her and shook her head.
“I did,” I promised, wrapping my arms around her. She let her head rest against my chest and I wanted to hold her until she felt better. Until I felt better. Learning what she had went through and trying to take it all in would have meant holding on to her until the end. It was too much to process. “I might not have contacted you, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. I thought I was doing the right thing. I… fuck, Nora, if I would have known, I would have reached out to you. I really did think it would be easier if I just let you live your life. “
“My life was you,” she said, her voice cracking. She turned out of my hug and I felt empty. I might have wanted to hold her, but she clearly wasn’t ready. “You were it. Everything that you went and did, we’d talked about doing together. Don’t you remember?” She scooted away. I fought the urge to take her in my arms again. If she needed to get all of this off her chest then I’d let her. I think I needed to hear it just as much as she needed to say it. “I was the one that went to every race with you. Cleaned up every cut. Supported you. Dreamed about the pros. It was always supposed to be me by your side.”
“I know... I just—”
“You didn’t want your high school girlfriend tagging along and ruining your fun?”
“You know that’s not true.” I felt the heaviness in my chest increasing with every word that was said.
“Can’t reap the benefits of being a big deal with a girl back home. Definitely couldn’t if I was knocked up. Makes it hard to party all the time and sleep with whoever you want, huh?”
“It was never about that,” I said, frustrated that she would even think such a thing.
“I saw the tattoos. The list is actually shorter than I imagined,” she said. “You only put the tens on your skin, or what?” When I didn’t answer out of uncertainty as to what exactly she was referring, she continued. “The names, Reid. I’m not stupid.”