“Reid,” I said, unable to tell him that he was. Which infuriated me even more. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
“Fine,” he huffed. “I’ll back off, but only because I know that I’m right.” He took seat on an old glider, red paint chipped and the metal rusted from the weather and neglect. His eyes motioned for me to sit next to him, but I decided leaning against the rail that ran the length of the porch was a better idea. Distance was my friend.
“That can’t be a good sign,” he said, resting his elbows on his knees. “I might need a drink for this.” I handed him the bottle from my hand, he finished it off and sat it on the ground. “Okay... lay it on me. Tell me you love Beau and that I can go to hell,” he said as he leaned back and stretched his arms across the back of the glider.
“It’s not like that,” I started to explain.
“So you don’t love him.” He grinned. “I knew it.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Would you please just let me talk? It took a lot for me to come out here tonight and I’m really trying to not throw up right now.”
“Throw up?” he asked. “Jesus, Nore,” he said, standing and placing his hands on my shoulders and rubbing them up and down the length of my arm. “I’m not trying to make you physically sick. I’m sorry if I’m pressuring you too much, I just... fuck,” he breathed. “All I wanted was for you to see that I still care about you.”
“It’s okay,” I said, the warmth of his hands seeming to soothe me. It was time to rip off the band aid and really talk. “I came out here tonight because I need you to know exactly what happened seven years ago.”
“Okay, I’m listening,” he promised. He led me over to the glider and took a seat, pulling me by the hand until I joined him.
“All those years ago,” I started. “When you left, it hurt.”
“I know,” he sympathized. “I told you how sorry I am.”
“You did, but I don’t think you fully understand exactly how bad it was, Reid.” I turned in my seat to face him.
It was time. Time to tell him the truth, and maybe more importantly, time to admit the truth to myself. There was a reason I’d held onto my anger all this time.
Anger was safe. Heartbreak was not. Heartbreak was deadly.
The last of the sunlight was gone and his face was lit only by the dim porch light above us. I could still see the worry on his face as I continued.
“I was in love with you. The strongest, deepest, most intense love I’d ever known. I thought it was the real thing… thought what we had meant we’d chase our dreams together.” I felt the threat of tears and knew it was pointless to even try and hold them back. “The night you ended it… I’d had something to tell you, too, something I never got to say to you until now.” I pulled in the most air that I possibly could before continuing.
“Nore… fuck, I am so—”
“I was pregnant, Reid. I was pregnant with our child and when you left I fell apart. I cried every day. For weeks. Months, if I’m being completely honest. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t care about school. I barely managed to pass my junior year.” I felt a shiver run across my skin as I thought about how upset I’d been by him leaving. “I had my friends worried sick. My parents were beside themselves. I was a mess for a long time. While you were out living it up, I had a miscarriage… you broke me.”
Seeing her standing in my living room when I got out of the shower had seemed like a good thing, but as I sat there watching her fall apart in front of me, I knew that coming down stairs to just Hoyt and Brett would have been so much easier.
“I was pregnant… miscarriage… you broke me.”