Nolan and I didn’t say anything at first, the air around us off-kilter. I couldn’t tell what Nolan was thinking, and it drove me nuts. It had never used to be like this between us. I used to always know what he was thinking. I used to know what to say to him to make him feel better.
“You’re remembering, aren’t you?” I didn’t want to cause him more pain. I wanted to help him rip off the proverbial Band-Aid, but sometimes ripping it off wasn’t the way to go. Sometimes you needed to gently peel it away to avoid leaving the individual raw and exposed. The trick was knowing which way was best at that particular moment.
He froze, his gaze fixed on his food, a slight tremble to his hand.
“It’ll be okay, Nolan.” I’ll be there for you. I’ll never let you deal with this alone again. Not as long as you let me in like you used to.
“How can you say that?” His words came out as a choked whisper, confirming my suspicions. He was remembering. As much as he didn’t want to, he couldn’t stop it, not unless he left Northbridge and returned to L.A. And maybe even then the memories would still come, unable to stop now the floodgate had been pried open. “I didn’t stop it from happening, and…and maybe I’m just like him and I don’t know it yet.” The final words were no longer a whisper. They were harsh, bitter, intended to cause pain. Not to me; the pain was all his own, and that made the hurt inside me even stronger.
“You’re not like him,” I said. “You’re nothing like him, Nolan, and you never will be.”
Nolan slammed his fork on the plate, metal clinking against ceramic, and I jumped. “You don’t know that.” He pushed away from the table. “I don’t want to talk about this.” He stormed off.
I rushed after him and gently grabbed his arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” When he still wouldn’t look at me, I placed my hand on his face and guided it so he was forced to look at me. “You need to trust me. I only want to help you. You know that, right?”
He studied my eyes for a second, then nodded. “I do trust you. But I’m not ready to remember.” He looked away. “I’m scared. I’m afraid of remembering what I did or didn’t do to save them. I’m terrified of having to relive it again and again.”
I brushed my lips against his cheek. “I know you’re scared, Nolan. But I’m here for you. No matter what, I’m here for you.”
He hugged me, body shaking, face buried in my hair, and whispered, “I know.”
We stayed like this for several heartbeats before he finally pulled away. His wall was sliding back into place, even if there were now holes in it that hadn’t been there before. He still wasn’t ready to remember, but ready or not, it would happen. And there was nothing he could do to stop it.
“How about we finish dinner, then watch a movie?” My lips curled up on one side. “I’ll even let you pick it.”
Nolan snorted. “Yes, because I’ve been dying to watch a chick flick all day.”
“Hey, I also have Lord of the Rings.” I poked him in the side. “You can’t say no to that.”
He leaned down and brushed his lips against mine. “It’s you I can’t say no to.”
My heart leapfrogged into my throat. Before I could respond or kiss him back, he returned to the table and ate like the last few minutes had never happened. Fine—if it made him feel better for now, who was I to argue?
After dinner, I snuggled against him to watch the movie. We’d done this a million times before, but this time it felt different. We felt different, and I didn’t mean because we’d been kissing lately. I still hadn’t figured out what that was all about. I knew I should ask him what was going on between us, but hello, this was Aragorn we were talking about. He was nice to look at, and I didn’t have to figure out how he felt about me. He just went to work, killing orcs and making the girls watching the movie swoon.
At one point, as the wind and snow stormed outside the window, Nolan stiffened next to me—and I had a feeling it had nothing to do with the movie.
Chapter 21
Nolan
FIVE YEARS AGO
I paced back and forth on the wet sidewalk as Hailey did her best to soothe my sister on the phone over the sound of the storm. Single-story houses and tall trees stood on either side of the street, but I might as well be in the middle of nowhere as far as I was concerned.
I stopped my pacing long enough to glare at the flat tire. Too bad it wasn’t my father; if it had been, I could’ve beaten his fucking ass.
I needed to use the phone, but I didn’t want to take away the only lifeline Sarah had to knowing that help was coming. Once I hung up on her, she’d be alone.
But I didn’t have a choice.
I indicated for Hailey to give me the phone. “Hey, squirt. Everything’s going to be okay, but I need to hang up and call for help.” I didn’t want to tell her the truth, that I had a flat and wouldn’t be there for a while yet. “I’ll call you right back. Is that okay?”
“You promise?” my sister asked, her voice quiet against the pummeling hail. My heart hurt hearing her like this. I was her big brother and I was doing a shitty job of protecting her.
“I promise.”
“Okay.” The word came out as a defeated whisper.