I’m taking classes to get my GED. I thought about going back to high school and doing credit recovery to earn an actual diploma, but one trip to the campus made me realize I’m not a kid anymore, and that goes way beyond being twenty. Besides, I hated school when I was sixteen. Pep rallies and proms? What are those to me?
Tati says college is different from high school, and I hope she’s right. But even if I hate it there, too, I’m determined to get my degree. For you, yes, but also so I’ll never have to rely on another person to make my way in the world. I want to be independent, at least financially. I need to be able to take care of myself. And you.
It’s weird being in Texas. I thought I’d never come back to this place. At least my mother’s gone—moved out to California, and that gives me a small sense of relief. I couldn’t stand running into her, and having to admit how wrong I was about your daddy. She warned me he was no good. But even she couldn’t see he was evil.
A couple days after I arrived, I drove out to your grandparents’ ranch, the one your daddy said he was taking you to. They swore they hadn’t seen him. Hadn’t heard a word. But my visit put them on edge, I could tell. I think they were lying. I gave them my number, begged them to call if he contacted them. They promised they would. I think maybe they’re scared of him.
I have a place to live, and someone who loves me. I love Tati, too. But without you, everything’s gray. You were the light in every one of my days. Sometimes I see other mommies get mad and yell at their kids. I want to tell them to stop and think about how empty their life would be if something bad happened to their babies. What if their angels flew away?
April 2004
Please forgive me for not keeping up with your journal. You’re not a baby anymore. It’s been more than three years since you vanished. That makes you six. What do you look like? Is your hair still the color of a bright copper penny? Does someone put it up in a ponytail, like I used to once in a while? I hope it isn’t cut short. When I dream of you, I see it down in soft waves around your giggling face.
I do still dream of you, my Casey. And you are mine. It took months of work and too much money, labored for and borrowed, but I won custody of you and legally divorced your father. There are ways to do that without actually serving papers on the person who disappeared from your life. It was complicated and time-consuming, but it’s done.
Every once in a while Jason calls, just to taunt me. He doesn’t use his own phone, if he even has one. Because he’s now in violation of court orders, I can involve law enforcement. The few times they’ve managed to trace his calls, the phones he made them from came back as stolen. Big surprise. And they’ve been from different parts of the country.
Which makes me wonder. You should be in kindergarten. But did he even let you start school? I worry about that because school would be one way to find you, so he might not enroll you. But you have to go, you must. You are such a bright little girl. Are you reading? Do you love books? Can you use a computer?
I finally learned. I had to for school. Tati and I moved to Phoenix a year ago. She transferred to Arizona State University, and I’ll start there next year. Right now, I’m on track to get my associate of arts degree in communications at the end of the current semester. I’ve still got my eye on a career as a sportscaster, and it’s my plan to get my bachelor’s in communications at ASU. That won’t assure my dream job, but at the very least, it will help me find work in a related field.
Meanwhile, I’ve got a marketing position at a local TV station. It isn’t on-air, but it does allow me access to the newsroom, where I’m making friends. I’m targeting the assignment editors, one of whom might one day allow me a shot at reporting, or maybe even doing live broadcasting from a Cardinals or Diamondbacks game. I’ve let them know I’m interested if there’s ever an opening, and as a station employee, I’ve got an “in.”
One thing I’m discovering is the value of relationships, both professional and personal. Sometimes I go out after work with people from the station, most of whose company I do enjoy, although a few are fueled by superegos. You have to massage their overinflated self-esteems, though, because they are the ones with the most power to either help or hinder your own goals. A few know about you, Casey, and I’ve asked them to alert me if a news story relating to Jason happens across their desk.
On the personal side, Auntie Tati and I are more than just friends now. We’re partners. It took some time for me to accept the idea of commitment again. Your father (not going to call him your daddy anymore) totally destroyed my trust supply, which was never very big anyway. Tati had to work really hard to rebuild it, and thank God for her patience. Accepting love is hard, but she’s taught me how worthwhile it is.