Oh, Casey. Where are you? You’ve been missing for two days now, and nobody cares except Tati and me. I’ve called everyone, pounded on doors—military police, Jason’s commanding officer, off-base cops, even the FBI. No one will help. The problem, they say, is he’s your father. Like it or not, he has the right to take you away from me, at least until I can see a judge about custodial rights. By then, who knows where you’ll be? Oh, Casey. My baby.
Your daddy’s in big trouble when they catch him. He’s AWOL now. More than twenty-four hours without reporting for duty makes him absent without leave. For some totally messed-up reason, the fact that he kidnapped you doesn’t matter as much to the base authorities as his hitting the road without permission. The longer he’s gone, the worse it gets. After thirty days, he’s an official deserter.
Oh God, why didn’t I leave sooner? Tatiana and I planned for me to move in with her once your daddy deployed. He must’ve guessed that part after he found your auntie Tati and me in what some people might call a compromising situation. It was only a kiss, I swear. Nothing dirty. Nothing ugly. I just needed to feel loved. Not like furniture, the way Jason makes me feel.
I’ve been in love with Tati since I was twelve, but no way could I ever do anything about it when I was living at home. Then after I met your daddy, I believed I could hide that seed of me, bury it so deep it could never sprout again, never take root and grow. But if love is real, you can’t bury it, Casey. You can’t. I tried to explain that to your daddy, and swore that no matter what I’d stay married to him, stay true to him, but he knew those were lies.
I just wanted to make a home filled with happiness for you. Joy. We would never have experienced it living with your daddy. And now what will I do? I can’t stay here very long, but what if he changes his mind, brings you back, turns himself in? I have to be here.
I can’t work. What little brain I have left thinks only of you. I can’t eat. If I try, it churns in my stomach, comes right back up. I can’t sleep. If I do, I dream of you, and when I wake up to an empty house, I tumble down into a deep, dark pit.
I sit by the phone, hoping for news, holding the baby blanket that’s perfumed with you. A few of your toys are scattered across the floor. I leave them there, hints of you. Sometimes I swear I can hear you in the other room. But I know it’s just a ghost, laughing inside my head.
Oh, Casey. Where are you? Are you afraid without your mommy? Tell Daddy to bring you home.
March 2002
You’ve been gone almost three months now. It seems like longer! It seems like forever! Everything is different. Everything is crazy. Everything is lonely, even though I’m living with Auntie Tati in Texas. I still can’t believe you’re gone. Still can’t believe your daddy could just drive away with you, disappear without a trace.
Well, not exactly without a trace. Detective Morella located your daddy’s Chevy. He tracked down the license plate when the guy Jason sold it to changed the title. That was in Virginia. Maybe that’s where you are. The man remembered you and Boo, so guess that means you’re safe. At least I have that to hold on to. He said your daddy had his eye on a different car and sold the Chevy cheap for cash.
Detective Morella is with the Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department. I had to go off-base to find help, and even there the law’s complicated because your daddy and I are still married, and so there was no custody order in place. I filed for an emergency order and was granted temporary custody until things can get settled. That means you belong to me. All I have to do is find you!
Good thing your daddy was stupid and left that note. It’s evidence that he planned to conceal you. That’s how the law reads in North Carolina—with or without custody, it’s kidnapping if the parent who takes a child out of state tries to keep her hidden from the other parent.
Now your daddy’s not just AWOL. He’s a deserter. That happens at thirty days of unauthorized absence. So the federal database has his name. If he gets stopped for a traffic ticket or has anything to do with the police, they’ll know to arrest him. That’s my biggest hope of getting you back quickly. But it’s three months already. Actually, ninety-six days, emptied of you, each lonelier than the last.
I didn’t want to leave North Carolina, in case your daddy changed his mind, but his paychecks stopped right away, and they wouldn’t let me stay in base housing. At first they even believed I might have been part of his plan to disappear. Like I’d send my baby off to God knows where with a man who is obviously crazy. He must be crazy.
Tatiana came and helped me pack everything and put it in a U-Haul truck. The Christmas tree was still up. I left it there, decorated. Those ornaments would only remind me of how temporary happiness can be, and of the weight of sadness. Some days I can barely find the strength to drag myself out of bed in the morning. But I know I have to so when you come home I can be the best mommy ever for you.