I smile, thinking of it, picturing living with Caleb. All the movie nights we can stock up on. All the video games we can play. It could be like the old times. I could have a new home. I could build a home for myself.
And then, in the middle of Crème and Beans on a lazy Saturday morning, I have an epiphany. It’s bone-chilling. It tells me I’d rather be homeless than away from here, this place.
“I can’t,” I whisper, shaking my head.
“Why not?” Caleb senses the seriousness in my tone.
“B-Because I need to be here.”
“Why?”
“Because…” I suck in huge gulps of breath, but am still afraid I’ll pass out. “I’m in love.”
The snow has melted—or is in the process of melting—and from underneath it, the earth is emerging, stark and damp and ugly but somehow still beautiful. I like to think we had something to do with it, Thomas and I. The friction we created with our naked bodies made the fire that dissolved the frosty world.
Because the way we came together was magical. It made me fall in love again.
It could almost be a story I’ll tell myself when I’m dying. The Harlot fell in love with the Fire-breather. It was beautiful and right. It was wrong and ugly, just like the earth beneath my feet. It was tragic and ecstatic. It was everything I’d hoped love could be.
This time, though, I am going to do everything right. I’m going to change, be a better version of myself. I can’t stand the thought of my love ruining anything. It’s too pure, purer than any love that came before it or any love that will come after.
It takes me fifteen minutes to reach my destination: the sprawling house with a tree dangling over the roof. I know Thomas isn’t in there—he’s in New York for the poetry convention—but still his presence lingers. His displeasure drags my steps down. He wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was here, uninvited, but this is something I have to do. I need to do. This love is my strength, not my weakness.
I knock—once, twice—and stand there, huddled into myself.
The door swings open and it’s Susan, the lady I met a few days ago in the most unconventional way. I give her a small, trembling smile, and she returns it with a confused frown.
“H-Hi. I’m Layla.” I remind her, even though I know she knows. How could she forget? The girl Thomas brought in at night when his wife wasn’t home.
“Thomas isn’t here.” She purses her lips.
“I-I know. That’s why I came.” I widen my eyes in horror at how it sounds. “No. No, I don’t mean it that way. It just came out wrong.” I sigh. “Look, I know you don’t like me. I’m not liking me very much either right now. I just… I need to see Nicky.” Susan opens her mouth to say something but I rush on. “You can be there the whole time. I know it’s an unusual request and you’ve got no reason to trust me, but I promise you I have no intention of harming him. I love that little guy and he loves me back, you know. I mean, I’m not good with kids. In fact, I don’t know anything about them. But he’s so… He’s kind of my friend, and I just want to talk to him, apologize, and you won’t have to ever see me again.”
“What did you do to him? That you need to apologize for?” She is looking at me with an evaluating gaze.
“I, uh, I’d rather tell him. Please.”
Maybe my desperation to talk to a seven-month-old baby breaks through to her, or maybe she takes pity on a girl with tears stuck to her eyelashes. Either way, she nods and steps back. “Five minutes. I stand there the whole time.”
Relief sags my shoulders. “Yes. Yeah. Anything.”
I step inside Thomas’ house for the second time, and it feels more wrong than my previous visit. Sunlight pours into the living room and there he is—Nicky, playing in his bassinet. The sunrays make him glow, all pink-cheeked and stubby-nosed.
The little guy with his drooling chin and tufts of black hair commands my entire attention, like the room begins and ends with him. Just like his dad. I feel a surge of love for him, something very similar to maternal love, which is the weirdest thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’m not a mother. I’m barely an adult myself, but as I walk over to Nicky, my arms ache with the need to pick him up and smush his face into my neck.
I come down to my knees in front of him and smile, looking into his blue eyes. He is chewing on a baby elephant and abandons it to grin at me.
“Lay…laaaa,” he shrieks.
“Hey, little guy. You remember me, don’t you?” I finger-wave at him like I always do and he grabs me with his sticky palm.
I bend down and place a soft kiss on the tiny fist holding my finger. He chortles and keeps chewing at his elephant. I remember Thomas telling me how Nicky thinks everything is food.
“Hey, I’ve got a present for you. Here.” I take my Russian-style hat off, this one white in color. “You can have it, though you already have my most favorite one.” I blow fishy kisses at him, making him laugh. “God, you’re so adorable. I could just eat you up.” I feel Susan’s presence so I hastily add, “I won’t though, so don’t worry.”
Nicky plays with his new hat, waving it around in his dimpled hands while I gather the courage to say what I came here to say.
“I broke the deal,” I blurt out, much like I do with Thomas when I need to get something difficult off my chest. I cringe. “Ugh. That just kinda came out. I think I should start at the beginning…not that it’s gonna make any difference to you.” Nicky is busy with the hat and waving his fists while squirming in his yellow onesie. “But I’m going to do this the right way. So, I made a deal with your dad. It wasn’t anything formal. It was just…a silent understanding, and trust me, I only made it because I thought…he needed it. I needed it too, but his need was…so much bigger than mine, you know, so much more potent. But, I broke the deal.”
Susan shifts behind me but I keep my focus on the little bundle who doesn’t even care what I’m saying. “I know you’re not gonna understand what I’m saying right now, and you’re probably gonna forget all about me because I don’t think we’ll see each other anymore, but I want you to know I didn’t break it on purpose—the deal, I mean. It just happened, okay. I never planned on-on, you know, falling for your dad.” I scrunch my eyes closed and breathe out a puff of air.
“But I’m going to do the right thing now. I’m-I’m backing off, Nicky. You don’t have to worry, okay. It won’t touch you. My mistakes won’t come back to haunt you.”