“I don’t want to leave for this campaign tour fighting with you, Shelby. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on?” Landry asks softly, resting his hand on my shoulder, his eyes still firmly glued to my face like he has to physically force himself not to look down.
I want to tell him that I’m itching for a fight and he won’t give me one. The louder I get, the more placating his smile becomes and the softer his voice gets. Where something like this used to put me at ease and make me feel safe and cared for, now it just makes me want to grab on to handfuls of my hair and tug on it until my eyes water from the pain. I want to scream even louder, curse even harder, and stomp my foot like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I don’t do any of this and I don’t say anything I want to say. I take a deep breath and a step back away from him, forcing his hand to drop from my shoulder.
“My mother just basically fired me and you’re honestly asking me what’s wrong?”
Landry lets out a big suffering sigh and I can’t stop myself from rolling my eyes.
“She didn’t fire you. She’s giving you a little break to get your head on straight. We’ve all noticed how stressed you’ve been lately. This campaign is very important to me, you know that, Shelby. Your mother has worked hard to help me get here and she just wants to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Giving you some time off so you’ll be raring and ready to go to be back on my arm for the media when I get home in three weeks,” he informs me with a smile.
Bullshit, I want to scream right in his face. My mother’s e-mail this morning had nothing to do with making sure I was okay or looking out for my well-being. It was all about making sure I took this time to remember what’s at stake and make sure I made it loud and clear to Eli that he needs to stay far away from me. Knowing Landry would be out of town and I wouldn’t have to continue lying to him about what’s going on with me meant in her mind that I would have plenty of free time to get my life sorted and back on track.
“I still have a few hours before my flight leaves,” he informs me quietly, moving back into my personal space and pressing his hands on either side of my face. “Meredith is gone for the day and I don’t have to worry about her giving me dirty looks or attitude. We have plenty of time to test out the bed in your new room.”
I have to bite down on my bottom lip to stop myself from laughing at his suggestion.
God, I’m such a bitch.
He’s trying so hard to be smooth and seductive and it’s just falling flat. Especially after I woke up this morning covered in sweat, the tail end of a dream about Eli and one of the many times we had sex leaving me feeling needy and wanting to burrow myself deeper under the covers and touch myself until I came. I stand here looking up into Landry’s blue eyes and all I see are bright brown eyes staring back at me. I feel his smooth, soft hands on my face and all I can think of are rough, hard ones against my skin. Why can’t I just let go of the past and look forward to a future with this man? I hate that I can’t just open up my heart to him and give him everything he deserves.
I’ve done nothing but think about Eli since I stormed away from him in the studio. I’ve done nothing but replay that entire interaction, wondering what the hell happened. I let him hold me. I let him comfort me, and I let him have it. I let him have all of my pain and misery and he just stood there and took it…until he didn’t and he fought back. I made a mistake and I tried to fix it. I tried to push him away and I tried to make him believe I’d moved on. I tried to protect him the only way I knew how, but he wasn’t buying it and then he made up some bullshit lie about letters he wrote me and that just fired me up even more.
I stand here looking at Landry, so good and kind, and his eyes shining with love for me. When all I want to be doing is standing in the middle of my studio, fighting with Eli, I know I can’t do this anymore. I know I can’t continue to hurt Landry like this anymore.
“I think we need to take a break,” I blurt out, before I lose my nerve.
Landry laughs, but the smile on his face quickly dies when he sees I’m not joking.
“What are you talking about?” he asks with a disbelieving shake of his head, his hands falling from my face.
“I care about you. I really do, but—”
He lets out a small laugh of annoyance, cutting me off as he takes a step back from me.
“Don’t. Don’t even finish that sentence with, It’s not you, it’s me.”
Thankfully, I hear the front door open and Meredith shouts my name, saving me from saying the exact clichéd statement Landry knew I was about to speak.
Landry tries to hide his disappointment when he hears Meredith come back from shopping and interrupt us, and I try to hide my excitement that my best friend always seems to have the perfect timing.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Landry asks.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
My stomach churns, knowing I’m hurting a good man, but I have no other choice. I can’t keep doing this to him. I can’t keep stringing him along, giving him hope that someday I’m going to return all of the love he has for me. I truly believed that eventually my feelings for him would grow, but now that Eli’s back, I know that’s never going to happen.
Landry doesn’t say anything else; he just turns and walks away.
The only thing I can feel as I watch him walk through the doorway is relief. I no longer have to pretend like I’m a meek, quiet woman who always does as she’s told. I no longer have to worry about Landry’s feelings while I figure out a way to make Eli take back everything he said and change his mind. As badly as I want him to fight for me and prove to me that he really never fell in love with someone else, as much as I’m dying inside for him to touch me and argue with me, I can’t let that happen. I have to keep him safe, and pushing him away is the only thing I can do to accomplish that.
*
I’ve lost track of how many times this week I’ve given in to yet another sleepless night, tossed back my covers, and quietly made my way across our land to the stables. Tonight is no different. At three o’clock in the morning, I’m standing in front of Ariel’s stall, using my fingernails to scratch the white diamond shape in her fur right between her ears on her forehead. I avoided going into the studio to feel sorry for myself and came right down the main hall to my favorite horse, feeding her sugar cubes and muttering to her about how stupid I am.