I stare deeply into her eyes and I pray to God she can here the truth and conviction in my words. I need her to be okay. I would give anything right now to take away her pain.
She shakes her head at me, and fresh tears fall from her eyes and down her cheeks.
“You came back here for the girl who could dance. The girl who fought to make her dreams come true, and I’m not that person anymore. I don’t even know who she is.”
I shake my own head in disagreement to her words.
“I was wrong. All of it was wrong, everything I said, and everything I’ve thought since I saw you again was bullshit and I should have known it the first time I touched you again out there in those stables. I came back here for you, Shelby. YOU. Not the dancer. I didn’t fall in love with your dancing, I fell in love with you. The person you are. I don’t care if you’re not dancing, I don’t care about anything but you.”
She turns her face and presses it against my hand as I pull her body closer, hold her tighter against me.
“I’m not her anymore. I’m not Legs anymore and I never will be,” she murmurs with her eyes closed, her breath whispering against my palm.
“I don’t need Legs. I just need you,” I tell her quietly. “I never should have left you the way I did, but I’m here now, and I’m going to make everything right again.”
I feel her stiffen in my arms, and before I can even blink, she’s shoving away from me, leaving my arms empty and cold without the feel of her body in them. I watch her swipe angrily at the tears on her face and take a few steps away from me, her eyes narrowing in irritation. The moment of her letting down the wall she’s built up around her and letting me in has passed and it fucking hurts. I can see it written all over her face that she regrets having even one minute of weakness with me. I feel raw and vulnerable and pissed off that she’s dismissing me so easily.
“Don’t shut down on me, Shelby, please,” I beg softly.
“That shouldn’t have happened,” she says with a shake of her head, gesturing between the two of us. “It’s this damn room. It makes me emotional and I…I’m with someone else, Eli. You need to understand that and just stop. I don’t need you to comfort me and I don’t need you to think you need to make it all better. You can’t. Just let it go and move on.”
She moves to walk around me and I quickly reach out and grab her arm to stop her from leaving.
“Bullshit,” I argue, watching her eyes widen with even more anger. “You can’t just give me something like that, let down your walls and let me see you, and then pull away like it’s no big deal. You can’t kiss me back like you did in that fucking office tonight and then tell me you don’t need me and you don’t still want me. I can’t leave you alone and I can’t move on because you’re everything to me. You always have been and you always will be, and I know damn well you feel the same, even if you want to stand here, look me right in the fucking eyes, and lie to me.”
She pulls harder against my hold on her arm, but I refuse to let go. I hate that she’s hurting and I hate that I’m the cause for all of it, but I’m not about to let her leave and pretend like what she gave me when I had her in my arms just moments ago wasn’t real.
“I don’t give a shit if you’re with someone else, he’ll never love you the way I do. He’ll never fight for you the way I do and he’ll never fucking see you the way I do!” I shout, knowing the words I say will piss her off and not caring one fucking bit about it. I want her fired up. I want her to get angry and let go and prove my point that she hasn’t moved on any more than I have.
“I’m standing here in this room, alive and breathing and fighting because of YOU! Because in between the torture and the beatings and the fucking hell, year after year, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I didn’t WANT to get you out of my head. Your smell, your smile, your laugh, your taste, your touch…it’s the only fucking thing that made me want to wake up every damn day and go through that shit again and again. Thinking about you and fighting to get back to you is the only way I could fucking survive, so don’t stand here and tell me to move on! Don’t fall apart in my arms and then lie to me!”
“YOU LEFT!” she screams at the top of her lungs, finally giving me what I want and I quickly realize Rylan was right. She’s going to rip me apart and it will hurt like a bitch.
“You left me here because you were in love with someone else and then you died! I mourned you and I can’t do this again! I’m sorry! I’m sorry for what happened to you and I’m sorry you came back here for nothing but you need to listen to me and just GO! Just leave and move on with your life and forget about me!”
Her body shakes with anger and I know I shouldn’t push this any further, but I can’t stop. She needs to understand and she needs to stop pretending.
“I lied, Shelby! Jesus, you have to know it was all a lie. You have to know after those months we spent together that there never was and never will be anyone else for me. You know I never would have left you if I felt like I had another choice,” I tell her, not wanting to get into everything about her mother and upsetting her more, but it’s the only way I know how to apologize. It’s the only way I know how to make her see that I felt like I didn’t have any other option and get through to her.
“You had a choice!” she shouts, tossing her hands in the air in frustration. “ME! I was your fucking choice and you threw it away with that goddamn note! You couldn’t even be honest with me. Is that supposed to make me feel better? After everything I gave you, everything I shared with you…you couldn’t even be honest! You always had a choice and you chose wrong! I would have done ANYTHING for you, Eli. So no, you didn’t know me at all. You left without a fight because you were in love with someone else and now you’re back, wanting everything to be the way it was and I can’t do that. I can’t go back there. I can’t be here with you, I can’t erase everything that’s happened since you left. Just GO. Leave me alone to let me live my life!”
I stalk closer to her and she moves backward again, trying to put distance between us, but I’m not going to let her. I did what Rylan said, I let her have her moment to be hurt and give me hell for what I did to her, but I’ll be damned if I let her walk away thinking any of this shit is true. We both keep moving until her back hits the mirrors behind her and she has nowhere else to go. Bringing my hands up, I smack them against the glass on either side of her, caging her in.