“Jesus, will you just get mad at me for once?” she complains, practically reading my mind, throwing her hands up in the air. “Call me a bitch, yell at me, tell me to go to hell. Tell me I’m nosy and annoying and to leave you the fuck alone. Do something, goddammit! I don’t know how to help you when you won’t let me in! I don’t know why you stay in this prison day after day, year after year, doing everything you hate with a woman you can’t stand who treats you like shit. I don’t know if it’s because you feel like you have nothing else and I don’t know if for some fucked-up reason it’s for Eli…I don’t know anything because you won’t let me in!”
I bite my lip to keep from crying, refusing to look at her. I should never have asked her to come here. I knew she’d see too much and I knew she’d question everything, trying to get to the bottom of things. I thought just having her here with me would give me strength to get through the days, knowing Eli was alive and home and out of my reach, but I should have known better. All it’s done is make me angry and make me hate my life even more than I already did. Seeing myself through Meredith’s eyes makes me even more disgusted with myself and thinking about my mother’s threats after the party make me realize nothing will ever change.
After what happened tonight with Eli, the kiss we shared, and how badly his words hurt me, I feel lost. I feel like I’m tumbling around in the ocean in the middle of a hurricane, having no idea which way is up. I hate that with just one kiss, he made me feel alive and made me remember what my life could have been like. I hate that he’s making me want to lose control and forget about everything I’ve done to protect him, just to be close to him again.
“There’s no point in getting mad. This is my life and nothing is going to change,” I remind her.
“I’m not an idiot, Shelby, so don’t play me for one. You called me, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a panic attack, because you needed me. And I’m supposed to, what? Just sit here and watch you throw your life away without doing something? Give me one good reason why? Why should I stand by and watch you keep moving through life not caring about yourself and not caring about your happiness? You know that’s not my style. You know I have no trouble telling Georgia to go fuck herself.”
My body turns quickly to face her and I wrap my hands around her upper arms, unable to hide the panic on my face.
“Please, Meredith,” I beg softly. “Just leave it alone. You have no idea…there are things you don’t…”
I falter, knowing I can’t tell her without repercussions and wanting to tell her so much at the same time that the words on the tip of my tongue are choking me.
“I knew it,” she whispers fiercely, her eyes staring angrily into mine. “She’s holding something over you. Something to do with Eli, isn’t she?”
I don’t say anything, which is probably worse than spitting it all out. Meredith has no trouble reading between the lines.
“I’m going to ask you one more time, and for God’s sake, don’t fucking lie to me. Is. He. Worth it?”
My chin trembles and I clench my teeth to stop myself from crying.
“He’s a good man. I know you don’t believe that. I know you saw what his leaving did to me, but that’s not who he is. Being a Marine meant everything to him. Fighting for this country meant everything to him, and his sister is his entire world. You don’t know him. You don’t know what could happen to him if…”
Dropping my hands from her arms, I take a step back and cross my own arms in front of me, knowing I said too much. Knowing that even if I still believe with everything inside me that Eli would never betray his country, I’m still wounded and bruised from the way he left things. It’s become even more raw and painful now that he’s back and I’m living it all over again. I’m torn between protecting him and wanting to lash out at him for the way he hurt me.
“Is that why you’re hiding a tattoo under your watch, on the inside of your wrist?” she suddenly asks, her eyes flickering to my left arm tucked against my stomach. She smiles when my eyes widen in shock and my stomach drops to my toes. “I saw you get out of the shower the other day when I was brushing my teeth. Guess I should have bought you a waterproof watch, huh?”
Meredith sighs, running her hands through her long, dark hair.
“I’ve seen you run your fingers over the inside band every time your mother speaks to you, every time Landry touches you, and every time you get upset. Now I know why. You gave yourself a permanent fucking reminder.”
The ink on the inside of my wrist suddenly feels like it’s burning under my skin and I have to clench my hands into fists to stop myself from doing what Meredith so keenly noticed and running my fingertips over the band covering it to put me back on solid ground so I don’t feel like I’m spinning out of control. She’s right. Touching the inside of my wrist is my own personal safety net. It’s a way to remind myself that the life I’m living and the dreams I’ve had to say good-bye to are for a reason. A very important reason. Something bigger than my wants and needs, my hopes and dreams. I feel guilty that I’ve kept this from Meredith, but I knew she’d never understand.
“Just so you know, I told Eli about the accident.”
The breath I was holding and the guilt I was feeling leave me in a whoosh, and I can hear the thundering of my heart in my ears. I have to lock my knees together before I collapse onto the floor and curl myself into a ball, wishing I wasn’t hearing these words come out of her mouth. I know I haven’t been completely honest with Meredith, but she’s the only person in the world I trust, and she betrayed me. She shared something personal about me and she had no right to do that.
“I don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re pissed at me, it needed to happen. I will not allow him to come back here, worm his way into your life, and shit all over you when he doesn’t know the truth,” she tells me in a low voice. “Maybe you’re okay with him thinking you made the choice to end your dance career, but I’m not. I’m not okay with him assuming there’s nothing left of the old Shelby in there, fighting to get out. I’m not okay with him ripping you to pieces because he doesn’t know what happened to you. I’m telling you right now, I still don’t know if I like the guy after what he did to you, but he lost it when I told him. Completely lost it. I’ve never seen a man so gutted before, knowing he said things to you he shouldn’t have and things he couldn’t take back. I hope to God he’s worth it, because I’m placing all my bets on him. I’m hoping maybe he can get you to pull your head out of your ass and do something about this shitty life you think you deserve or you think you need to keep living to protect him, because it’s obvious I can’t do that.”
With those words, she turns and walks away from me and down the hall, the slamming of the spare bedroom door making me jump, close my eyes, and wish I could just disappear.
*
I shouldn’t be here.