“And when did you realize you had feelings for her?”
“Well, I guess you could say it was Friday night.” When my body tensed—a natural reaction to assuming he’d confused love with whatever he felt after hearing about Aria’s father—he dropped his hand from my chin and placed it on my knee. “But that’s not when it all started, Jade. You asked when I realized it.”
“So you’re saying you felt something for her prior to that night?”
“Absolutely. And I hope that doesn’t come as a surprise to her.”
“Why would you think it wouldn’t?”
“Because it was obvious. When I finally opened my eyes and recognized it for myself, I was shocked at how blatant I was about my feelings for her. I honestly have no idea why it took me so long to see it for myself.”
I hesitated, only because I worried my next words would blur the line we’d created and leave me vulnerable to his response. But I needed all the facts, so I took a deep breath and went for it. “Knowing you, I’m sure you told her you didn’t find her sexually appealing—beautiful, but not in the way that excites you. So maybe you’re giving yourself too much credit by assuming it was obvious.”
He sat up straighter, this conversation taking a sharp turn toward the land of seriousness. “True, but I’d hope my actions had spoken louder than my asinine words. The ugly truth is this…I’ve been around women who I thought were very good looking. But rather than salivate at their assets or physical features, I’d simply take note of their beauty. Then there were women who just did it for me. I didn’t need to learn their names before picturing all the ways I could fuck them. That’s what I meant when I said sexually attractive.”
“Yeah…” I dragged the word out, quirking an eyebrow at him. “I’m not sure how to take that. Neither sounds all that flattering.”
At least it got him grinning again. He dropped his chin and shook his head, a breathy chuckle escaping through his teeth. “No, it doesn’t. But I guess that just goes to show you men aren’t all that complicated where sex is concerned.”
“Okay, so you could admire her, but she didn’t leave you with the need to rip her clothes off. Got it. Now how did you get from there to falling in love with her? I think that’s what’s most important here.”
“I’m not sure if there’s an answer for that. Part of it might be maturity. I hadn’t allowed myself to look at anyone in that way since I was twenty-two. During my marriage, I never entertained those thoughts about other women—I wasn’t really around any, other than Colleen’s friends. If I wasn’t at work, I was home with her.”
I rolled my eyes in disbelief. “You can’t be serious, Cash. Married people still have eyes.”
“Yes, that’s true. If I were at a store or out with Colleen and an attractive woman was there, I’d notice. But that’s all it was. Nothing more than a simple thought about another human being. I wouldn’t think about her beyond that or entertain any explicit fantasies with her in it. Who knows…maybe I hadn’t been single long enough to entertain the thought of having sex with someone else, so when I saw…her for the first time, sex wasn’t even on my mind. Or there’s always the possibility that I’d already connected with her on a different level, so my focus wasn’t on the physical aspects.”
“All great answers, Cash. But I’m willing to bet she won’t believe any of them…no matter how true they might be. It doesn’t change the fact you saw her as a friend, nothing more, and then all of a sudden, out of the clear blue, you change your mind.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“Then how was it? Because to me—and I’m not her, so I can’t speculate how she’d take it—it sounds like she might’ve opened up to you about something personal, something I’m assuming you might’ve had a reaction to…maybe anger on her behalf…and your wires got crossed. Sympathy isn’t love, Cash.”
“I’m well aware of that. But in order for me to have confused the two, my realization would’ve had to come after her ‘possible’ admission. And considering I saw the writing on the wall before that conversion may or may not have happened, I can absolutely, without a doubt, say I didn’t get my wires crossed.”
“Before?” I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get the word out. I couldn’t get enough oxygen into my lungs, and my heart had picked that moment to finally believe him, tapping out a beat that rivaled the tempo of a techno song.
“Yeah.” He nodded, so sure of himself. “Before. We were on the couch, and when I looked at her, it was like my heart stopped trying to deny it. It was always there, I just never saw it for what it was. But that was the moment I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I couldn’t make up an excuse for the feelings I had while staring into her eyes. Before that, when I found myself thinking of what she looked like beneath her clothes, I chalked it up to curiosity, wondering if I’d be able to see the evidence of the life she created. When I caught myself thinking about her at night while trying to fall asleep, I told myself it was because I hadn’t seen her or spoken to her in a while. But that night, with her in my arms, I had no excuse for what I felt inside.”
I cleared my throat, hoping to hide the way his words affected me. But as soon as I spoke, there was no doubt I’d failed. “Well, I’m pretty sure she might believe that. If you’re lucky. I mean, it could go either way.”
“Any idea what she’d say?”
“It depends.”
“On what?”
“Whether or not you kiss her after you tell her all that.”
His gaze fell to my mouth again, and I took that moment to trace my bottom lip with my tongue. Something akin to hunger flashed in his eyes, but it wasn’t sinister like I was used to seeing. And it bathed me in a fiery desire I’d never experienced.
“Should I kiss her?”
I nodded, eagerly. “Yes, you sh—” And before I could finish my sentence, his mouth was on mine.
16
Cash
I couldn’t get enough of her. The second I’d silenced her with a kiss, everything around us vanished. Her past, my marriage, her troubles, my job. Nothing mattered while I had my mouth on hers. But as much as I yearned to submerge myself in her touch, I had to tap on the brakes before we found ourselves in another situation like last week.
We broke apart, both needing air, but I never dropped my hand from her face. I craved the contact with her, never wanting it to end, yet I couldn’t rush this. I had to tread lightly, and there wasn’t a single part of me that cared. I’d go as slow as I had to, just as long as she gave me the chance to make her fall in love with me, too.
“There’s still so much we need to talk about.” I blew the words across her swollen lips. “But I’m pretty sure I can’t think properly right now.”