But to the events of that evening: Gráinne and Erszebet had both chosen to get all ironically meta about things mock the contemporary image of witches by wearing green body paint and pointy hats (they claimed they were groupies of Wicked, but I know for a fact that neither of them has ever seen it). Anyhow, put off by the extreme security measures, they failed to show up at the loading dock as the rest of us did, to pay political homage, as Blevins and Frink arrived.
Roger Blevins was dressed like a Native American tribal chieftain, lest any of us forget that his cultural insensitivity was boundless. Frink wore his own dress uniform. Macy Stoll, Blevins’s Girl Friday, dressed as a sexy librarian, or tried to, anyhow. Erszebet had costumed Tristan and myself to resemble Boris and Natasha from War and Peace. (Tristan, never having read War and Peace, assumed he was going to be dressed like the Cold War spy from Rocky and Bullwinkle, and was speechless when presented with the garb of a nineteenth-century Russian aristocrat. He did look quite splendid, I confess.) Frank dressed like the George Takei character from Star Trek, and Rebecca dressed like Rebecca, with a lavender wreath or something. Mortimer and Julie Lee were non-human bipeds.
Of course, Blevins immediately wanted to show off the ATTO to Frink. Isobel Sloane, the smart and tough head of DOSECOPS, prudently suggested that they come back in an hour, allowing them to make sure everything was “shipshape.”
Blevins agreed gaily, requesting they then be joined for a demonstration by some witches (whom we were supposed to call MUONs, a term Erszebet found onomatopoetically bovine and thus offensive. Of course.). As most of the witches were in party dress, Major Sloane could not identify them, and asked to solicit Erszebet and/or Gráinne, who were the easiest to find.
Once the two were located they grudgingly agreed to this. Erszebet had thrown a hissy fit when the DOSECOPS approached her, but Rebecca and I found her in the women’s restroom and convinced her this was not a return to the humiliating parlor tricks of the late 1840s. Gráinne was totally shit-faced quite merry and trying to molest Mortimer in the coat closet, which we discovered because Julie had been tracking her all evening in anticipation of just such an event. Gráinne had a thing for Mortimer (or more likely for whatever could only be accessed from his computer. Ah, the sad wisdom of hindsight.).
Anyhow, an hour later, Oda-sensei ceremoniously opened the door to the ATTO, ushered the quintet (two witches, Blevins, Frink, and Mrs. Blevins) inside, and closed the door on them.
The Secret Service detail that had arrived with Frink immediately grew agitated that they could not maintain a radio connection to him while the ATTO was in operation. I rather thrilled at Major Sloane’s attempt to explain the decoherence/multiverse premise to them—it was very satisfying to know that everyone on the DODO team takes an interest in what we are actually doing. The Secret Service official did not grasp it, concerned only with losing contact with the general.
“Don’t worry,” said Isobel Sloane. “Gráinne is so drunk that Erszebet’s the only one doing any magic, and knowing Erszebet she’ll come flouncing out of there in about twenty minutes, bored with all of them.”
And a wry sense of humor to boot? How I wish I’d had the bandwidth taken the time to get to know Major Isobel Sloane a little better. When I think of where I am now, I cannot but wonder if she either contributed to my situation or could possibly have prevented it.
To continue: Erszebet did not, in fact, come flouncing out after twenty minutes, or even after thirty, or even forty-five. The Secret Service folks were beside themselves with anxiety. Major Sloane, and Tristan, and Frank Oda, and myself all attempted to quell their misgivings.
Reader, we should not have quelled them. For there were things happening within that ATTO that can never be undone. If only we had known to be suspicious.
20:08:00 USSS 1: C4, get me Actual.
20:08:10 DOSECOPS C4 ACTUAL: C4 Actual here.
20:08:13 USSS 1: It’s been an hour and not a peep. I am beginning to get concerned messages from people in the Pentagon wanting to know why Backhoe is incommunicado.
20:08:22 DOSECOPS C4 ACTUAL: The Pentagon?
20:08:27 USSS 1: The Trapezoid. Was my transmission garbled?
20:08:33 DOSECOPS C4 ACTUAL: Sorry, I was distracted. I thought you said Pentagon.
20:08:40 USSS 1: I’m a little foggy myself with all of the weirdness around here and I may have said the wrong thing. I am referring to the [GARBLED]. The very large building across the Potomac River from DC that is the headquarters of the United States military. Does that help clarify matters?
20:08:51 DOSECOPS C4 ACTUAL: Sure. The Pentagon.
20:08:56 USSS 1: That’s what I’m saying! The [GARBLED]! People at the Pentagon are worried about Backhoe being out of touch for a whole hour.
20:09:12 DOSECOPS C4 ACTUAL: The door locks from the inside. We could force it. It would be expensive to replace and might ruin the evening for our guests.
20:09:30 USSS 1: It is uncharacteristic of Backhoe not to touch base.
20:09:37 DOSECOPS C4 ACTUAL: The environment inside of an ODEC is a little weird and can mess with people’s perception of time.
20:09:44 USSS 1: Oh, that’s reassuring!
20:09:51 USSS 3: Lights on the ATTO door are changing color.
20:09:53 DOSECOPS C4 ACTUAL: We see the door in unlock mode.
20:10:01 USSS 3: Visual on Backhoe. Visual on Stylus. They seem nominal.
20:10:10 USSS 1: Tracking device back online. Informing the Pentagon, they’ll be happy to hear it.
20:10:16 USSS 3: Stylus’s wife now coming out. One witch on her six.
20:10:22 DOSECOPS C4: Any DOSECOPS personnel near the ATTO, that looks like Erszebet. Do we have visual on Gráinne?
20:10:40 DOSECOP 5: Talked to Ms. Karpathy at the base of the ATTO steps. She says Gráinne is inside, feels unwell.
20:10:45 DOSECOPS C4: Copy. A reliable source earlier described her as drunk off her ass and sexually aggressive. Sending a medic.
20:10:58 DOSECOP 5: Ms. Karpathy concurs with that assessment. Says medic unnecessary.
20:11:11 DOSECOPS C4: It is SOP. Even if all she’s doing is lying on the floor unconscious, we need to get her in the recovery position and keep an eye on her.
20:11:15 DOSECOP 5: Copy. Ms. Karpathy is blocking the entrance. Says Gráinne wouldn’t want to be seen in her current condition.
20:11:21 DOSECOPS C4: Copy. Stand down and wait for the medic.
20:14:32 DOSECOP 5: I have visual on the medic.
20:14:40 DOSECOPS C4: We see her too. We see her talking to Ms. Karpathy. Sitrep? Audio garbled.
20:14:50 DOSECOP 5: Ms. Karpathy is reluctantly allowing the medic to enter the ATTO.
20:15:00 DOSECOPS C4: We see that. Why is Ms. Karpathy closing the door?
20:15:05 DOSECOP 5: Too late to ask, but she seems very protective of Gráinne’s privacy. Must be quite a scene in there!
20:15:12 DOSECOPS C4: We’ll send Facilities to clean it up in the morning.
20:18:51 DOSECOPS C4: We show the ATTO door cycling.
20:19:02 DOSECOP 5: Door confirmed open and medic coming out with Ms. Karpathy, as you can see, C4. Will get status.
20:21:14 DOSECOP 5: Medic reports Gráinne passed out and in recovery position, vital signs normal. Ms. Karpathy has volunteered to sit in the ATTO with her until she comes around.
INCIDENT REPORT
AUTHOR: Macy Stoll
SUBJECT: ATTO procedure violation