It was making the decision to do things that frightened me. It was finding the courage that third day of school to walk up to Keira’s table. It was giving a speech during lunch, and then another, even if I only had an audience of one. It was failing at Peter’s party, but realizing that that was okay. It was accepting that my past would always be a part of me and a part of those who were close to me. It was finding something I was passionate about, something that made me happy. It was realizing that I didn’t owe Carl and Rosa my life. That my love for them was enough. That I didn’t have to become a carbon copy of their daughter. And knowing Jayden had changed me in ways I knew I would still be trying to figure out a lifetime from now. It was finding Rider again, and allowing myself to fall in love with him.
And it was knowing that I could still be...still be afraid of everything, but not letting that fear stop me from living.
The realization wasn’t due to some kind of earth-stopping epiphany. It was subtle and slow, a combination of a thousand moments rolled into one, but as I sat at the kitchen table with Rosa, I knew it was true.
I’d changed.
*
Keira stared at her untouched plate. “I still can’t believe it,” she was saying. The table was quiet. “He was just here, you know? Last week he walked into this cafeteria and he asked me out on a date.”
“While he stole my fries off my plate,” Jo added. “And then offered to take me out on a date.”
“He was always doing stuff like that.” Keira let out a choked laugh. “It just sucks. There’re no other words for it.”
That much was true.
“I heard that the police picked Braden up yesterday afternoon,” Anna said, keeping her voice low. “I didn’t know Braden well, but he’s, like, what? Eighteen? How can you kill someone when you’re eighteen? That’s just insane.”
“How can you be killed when you’re fifteen?” murmured Jo.
Keira and the girls didn’t know that Rider and I had been there when Jayden was killed. Surprisingly, that wasn’t something that had ended up getting out, and it wasn’t something I was really willing to share beyond Ainsley.
It was strange seeing the lives that Jayden affected, knowing that he probably hadn’t even realized how much he impacted others. And then there was the flip side; the people who knew only that some kid had died but who couldn’t place his face. It wasn’t that they didn’t acknowledge the loss. It just didn’t affect their lives. Today was just an average Tuesday to them. Wednesday would be no different. On Saturday they wouldn’t be going to the funeral of a fifteen-year-old. In their minds, they still had forever.
But we knew better.
Forever was something we all took for granted, but the problem with forever was that it really didn’t exist.
Jayden hadn’t believed his days were numbered. He’d made plans, had other goals, and he’d probably believed he had forever. Ainsley had assumed, rightfully so, that she would always have her vision. She wouldn’t have that, something most of us took for granted, for forever. Then there was me. I’d thought I’d be stuck the way I was for forever, always scared, always needing someone to speak up for me. I’d learned to cope with my fears, found my voice, and realized that Carl and Rosa would love me even if I wasn’t perfect.
Forever wasn’t real.
And I guessed, for me, that I was lucky it wasn’t. But for others, I wished it was real, that they had forever.
Taking my seat in the back of speech that afternoon, I found myself staring at Hector’s empty chair. When would he come back? I couldn’t even imagine what he must be going through.
When Rider and I had been separated it had felt like he’d died. Those immediate months afterward had been lonely and never-ending, but I knew that Rider was still alive. My own pain and loss had been nothing like this.
Surprise flickered through me when I saw Rider walk into class. He and I had texted last night, and he’d said he’d be in class today, but I really didn’t think he’d show when I knew he wanted to be there for Hector.
Rider still hadn’t shaved and he was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. The dread from yesterday, when I’d dropped him off at Hector’s aunt’s place, resurfaced. Rider looked wrecked.
“Hey,” I said as he sat next to me. The old notebook hit the desk. “Are you... God, it’s such a stupid question, but are you okay?”
He nodded slowly as he glanced over at me. “Yeah, just tired.”
But it was more than that.
“Can we get together after school?” he asked as the bell rang. “For a bit?”
“Yes. Of course,” I said, smiling even though it wasn’t real.
The dread I felt grew throughout class, and I only distantly listened to the upcoming speech schedule Mr. Santos laid out. I would have to give mine during lunch next Tuesday. Rider would do his on Wednesday.
I still hadn’t finished my speech.
But I wasn’t really focused on the example speeches Mr. Santos was giving. I was too busy noticing the fact that Rider didn’t look me in the eye. Not when he sat down. Not when he looked over at me and not once during the class.
When the bell finally rang, I jumped in my seat, startled. I ordered myself to chill out as I packed up my bag. Rider waited at my desk, his gaze fixed on the front of the room.
“You ready?” he asked, his voice oddly flat.
My stomach twisted as I nodded, and I only managed a half-hearted wave to Keira on the way out. We didn’t speak until we were outside, walking side by side under the overcast skies.