When I didn’t respond immediately, his arm around my shoulders squeezed. “Talk to me.”
“You didn’t have a nasty divorce from your wife. You didn’t have a falling out, or even a fight. When your relationship ended, you were still in love with her.” He didn’t even miss a beat before he responded.
“Yeah.” The one word was light and easy. There was nothing to deny, so he didn’t even pretend.
“It’s hard for me because I feel as though I might never measure up.” Once the words fell out of my mouth I was both exhausted and relieved. Simultaneously. I’d never had a sentence take so much weight off my shoulders, and the tired feeling that came over me only emphasized how deeply I had been holding that truth in, how far down I’d had to dig to find it.
The quick and easy response he’d had just a moment ago did not come as easily that time. He was quiet for too long, making me nervous. When he finally did speak, it was soft words.
“I’m not going to lie and tell you that being with someone other than my wife was easy at first. That’s why I hadn’t dated anyone since she passed. It was a struggle for me, at first. Dealing with being attracted to someone else. It felt foreign and wrong. But running into you at Jaxy’s school, feeling that connection, that was the first time I’d felt anything close to what I felt for Olivia.”
It was hard listening to him speak; trying to make me feel better but not really saying anything to put my mind at ease. I wasn’t sure if there was anything he could tell me that would make it easier, but he hadn’t yet. I felt the distinct pinch in the back of my throat that told me tears were coming, and I didn’t want to cry in his tub with his arms around me. If I was going to cry, I wanted to do it at my own apartment, in my own bed, where I could sob all I wanted without worrying about ugly crying in front of him.
“Do you understand me, Grace? A part of me died right along with Olivia, and I was almost certain it would be dead forever. But then I saw you and something inside me sparked alive again.”
Oh, God.
“I’m not the same man I was with her. The man in love with you right now, the man whose arms are around you, he’s not the same man who loved her. She’s gone and he’ll never be back. But I’m here, with you, right now.”
My lip stung as I bit down on it, trying to keep in the sobs. The hurt in his voice cut right through me like a knife. The arm that had been wrapped around me moved, and his hand pulled my face up to look at him. His gaze pierced mine and his breath panted across my face.
“I’ll admit, I hadn’t given much thought to how difficult it might be to date me, how hard it would be to be the woman to follow Olivia, but you have to know that’s not how it works. I’m not comparing anyone to anything. Does that make sense?” He was definitely asking me a question, but I didn’t know the answer. It didn’t make sense; I didn’t understand. And I’m not sure I was meant to. “I’m not thinking about how she’s gone, I’m thinking about how you’re here.”
“Devon” was all I could manage before his mouth was on mine. He kissed me with desperation, as though he was trying to persuade me with his mouth how much I meant to him, and I felt it, all the way down to my bones.
“Please don’t question what I feel for you,” he said against my lips between kisses. “I love you, Grace. I love what I see in our future. Death ends things in a way that is both final and also unfinished. My love for her never died, per se, but it changed after she was gone. But I love you now, and I want to love you forever. I don’t want you thinking that you’re not enough, because you’re everything.”
I had no words, so I just kissed him back. I twisted my body so that I was no longer lying back on him, but so that my chest was pressed against his, and he didn’t miss a beat. His hands moved down my body, gliding easily over my skin, making water slosh against the side of the tub. One of his hands went down over my backside and the other came up, palming my breast.
My lips abandoned his to release a moan as his hands found every part of me.
I’d given him my words, and he’d given me his own.
We spent the next few hours using our bodies to communicate what we couldn’t say with words.
Chapter Eighteen
Grace
The next two weeks passed without incident. We filed the restraining order and there were no more incidents at the bar. Summer vacation was coming to an end, and the kids were gearing up for their trip to California with Evie and Nate.
Things between Devon and I had improved, and even though I still struggled sometimes with insecurity, I knew it would only take time to overcome. Devon did nothing to make me feel unwanted; quite the opposite in fact.