“Maybe it doesn’t.”
“Listen, my situation with Jeff was very different from Devon’s with his wife. I know, without a doubt, I’m done with Jeff. I want nothing to do with him, at all. And even though this makes me a terrible person, it’s hard to think about the idea that Devon would choose to be with Olivia over me.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Shelby started, and I knew she was going to say something nice and supportive, and I didn’t want to hear it.
“I feel like shit for even thinking these thoughts, but I can’t help it. How do you know, when your wife dies, that it’s time to move on? How can he be so serious about me so quickly, when he hasn’t been with anyone since? What if he realizes he’s made a mistake and he’s not over her? I’m just supposed to hope for the best? I’ve put my heart on the line like that before and it didn’t end well. Not for me, anyhow.”
“Grace,” Shelby whispered, trying to keep me from plummeting into the dark, emotional abyss I was currently circling. “Things with Devon have got to be complicated—dating a man with children always is—but you have to either trust him, or let him go, honey.” The idea of letting him go made my stomach roll and turn over. “I can’t imagine what it would be like.”
“How can he be in love with his wife one day, watch her die, and then fall in love again? I mean, I know in theory it happens, but I never thought I would be in this situation. How does someone ever really get over the death of their spouse?” I was asking the universe because I knew Shelby didn’t have the answer. Neither of us did. Devon probably didn’t either. Which was almost what made the whole thing so damn frustrating. I would never know, for sure, where I stood in comparison. Was he with me only because she was gone? If she were still alive, would they be together? And if so, what if we’d met then? Would he have left her for me? What if he and I were together first and then he met her? There were so many unanswerable questions, so many variables that I would absolutely never get a firm consensus on because Olivia had died. I let out a hard breath, then shook my head. “Man, I am such a bitch.”
“You’re not. This is a hard situation and you’re just being honest. That’s what best friends are for. You get to say all the wrong things to me so you don’t say them to Devon and screw everything up. You don’t want to screw everything up, do you?” Her question was serious and I knew she wanted an honest answer.
“No, I don’t want to screw everything up. But I also don’t want to be emotionally torn to shreds in a few weeks when he realizes he’s still in love with his wife. Ex-wife. Dead wife. Shit.” I pulled my knees up to my chest, placing my coffee cup on the table.
“Listen, from everything I’ve ever heard about Devon, and from the few times I spent any significant time with him, I can tell you I think he’s a really decent guy. Like, a really good guy, Grace. And I don’t think he’s going to break your heart. I do think it’s really important that you talk to him about this. Only he can tell you exactly what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling.”
My mind drifts back to our conversation the night before on his couch and I shut my eyes, groaning. I didn’t really want to have that conversation again, but I knew she was right. I had to tell him why I was pulling away. If I didn’t, eventually I would pull right out of his grasp and he’d have no option but to let me go.
“Don’t sabotage a good thing because your ex-husband did a number on you. Don’t let Jeff and that Jessica bitch have that much power over you.”
I had to laugh at Shelby’s obligatory best-friend-mistress-hating skills.
“You’re right. I know you’re right. But….”
“What? Spit it out.”
“What if I say all this to him and he thinks I’m a terrible person. I feel like a terrible person.”
“Grace, Devon loves you. He probably realizes there’s something wrong and is waiting for you to be comfortable enough to tell him what it is. Put the man out of his misery. The sooner you tell him what’s bothering you, the sooner he can make you feel better with his penis.”
“Shelby!” I couldn’t help the laughter that escaped me, and eventually there were tears streaming down my face. “You’re the only person in the world who could say something like that to me and make me laugh. Those words from anyone else would just be wrong.”
“Hey, it’s my job to make you laugh. It’s also my job to tell you when you’re being dumb. You’re not being dumb yet, but if you don’t tell him about all this, you’ll be on your way there.”
“I know.”
“When do you see him next?”
“I’m supposed to go over there after my shift tonight.”