She turned to her side and propped her head up on her hand. “I was afraid if I waited until morning, things would be ruined.”
“What things?”
“Us things.” She made a gah sound and rolled to her stomach, her feet hanging off the bed, her face hidden in the covers. “Put me out of my misery.”
He smiled. He wasn’t a smiler or laugher or hugger. Except around her he found himself doing all three more than he remembered for years. Maybe forever. “You haven’t ruined ‘us’ things.”
“I haven’t?” She propped herself up on her elbows. “I didn’t run off because I didn’t enjoy kissing you out on the dock. Boy howdy, I enjoyed it all right. And that was why I ran off.”
“You’re afraid of getting physical?”
“Not exactly. Although, I mean, it has been a while.” She hummed and sat up on the bed, her arms around her knees. “You may not want to know. It’s weird.”
“Why is it weird?” He moved to lean against the headboard, maintaining a safe arm’s-length distance.
“Because … it’s about Noah.”
“You feel guilty. Like you’re betraying him.” He might as well have been speaking about himself.
“Yes and no. It’s hard to put into words.”
He closed his eyes and said what he’d been thinking even though the words cut like razors. “It’s too complicated, isn’t it? I can’t compete with him. I won’t. He’ll always be between us.”
Her laugh held no humor. “My problem is that I didn’t feel him at all. When you kissed me, I forgot … everything. Even him. That’s why I ran. I’m scared I’m going to lose my memories of Noah, and that’s all I have left.”
He took a moment to process what she’d admitted. He couldn’t deny the spike of satisfaction, but neither could he deny the very real issue of Noah’s ghost between them. “You’ll never forget him. Neither will I.”
“It’s both harder and easier knowing how close you and Noah were. Knowing you were there.” She swallowed hard but didn’t break eye contact with him.
“We can be business colleagues. Put aside everything that happened tonight. It won’t be awkward.”
“Yes, it will.” Her smile flashed like a lightning bug, gone in an instant. “The thing is … I don’t want to forget. Do you?”
Hell no. He fisted his hands in the covers to keep from pulling her into him. “No. I don’t.”
“Where does this leave us?”
“It leaves us taking things as slow as you need.”
“I might need slow, but I want fast.”
He lost the battle and reached out, tugging her into his arms. The naturalness of the way she notched herself against him as if they’d been carved out of the same piece of wood soothed the chaos and uncertainty.
Would Noah approve or would he hate the fact that Bennett wanted what Noah could never have again? Did the dead even care? The feel and scent of Harper loosened his hold on conscious thought, and he slipped toward sleep, praying his nightmares—and Noah—would stay at bay.
Chapter 14
Past
Bennett swung the ax and cleaved the wood in two, the impact jolting his arm. He cleared the pieces and put another cut of wood on the stump. The last time he’d put his body through such grueling physical labor was BUD/S. Noah worked at his side with a chainsaw. Bennett couldn’t stem a smile. Just like old times.
After years of invitations, Bennett had finally accompanied Noah to his family’s soybean farm in Georgia. Noah’s dad was getting older and Noah, feeling guilt at his desertion to the SEALs, had promised to help clear land. Bennett had only agreed once he’d been assured Harper wasn’t coming, too.
Bennett had spent the last three years avoiding coming face-to-face with Noah’s wife. He’d made sure he was committed for SEAL business the weekend of their wedding, even though Noah had asked him to be best man, and had never accepted an invite to social functions involving the families.
His constant refusals made him seem like an antisocial SOB, which wasn’t that far off the mark, to be honest. Even if he had attended one of the company barbeques, he’d have spent it holding up a corner with a beer in hand. Maybe even double-fisting it.
No, he avoided Harper Wilcox partly because he was afraid she’d never live up to the picture he’d formed of her from her letters. But mostly he was downright terrified she’d far surpass his expectations. His fascination with his best friend’s wife was inappropriate at best and a betrayal at worst.
Most of the time, his feelings were easy to ignore. And when he and Noah deployed, he allowed himself to enjoy Harper’s stories knowing the brief moments of normalcy could be blown to bits the next day—hell, the next hour.
And it’s not like he secretly imagined Noah out of the picture. Noah had people—a wife, a mom and dad, and sisters—who depended on him in various ways. Bennett had no one except for his SEAL brothers. He would sacrifice his life for any one of them, but especially to protect Noah.
Noah powered the chainsaw off and ran the back of his hand over his sweaty forehead. “Break time.”
They retreated to the shade and shared iced tea from a jug Noah’s mom had packed along with snacks. She’d slipped an extra homemade Rice Krispies treat in with Bennett’s name written on the wax-paper wrapping like he was in school. It made his chest ache a little.
“Thanks for coming down here with me. Sorry my mom was all up in your business last night at dinner. So annoying.” Noah’s eye roll was teenager-like.
“I don’t mind.” Bennett wasn’t being polite. He really hadn’t minded. With all her kids married and on their own, he got the impression Noah’s mom needed someone to mother. It had been … nice.
“Are you sure? I can tell her to back off. I know how private you are.”
Noah’s mom had grilled him about his love life, then turned around and promised to knit him a scarf and toboggan cap for Christmas all the while plying him with homemade banana pudding and hugs.
“I said it’s okay.” The words came out harsher than he meant. “Sorry. It’s just…”
Noah cocked his head and waited. He was accepting of Bennett’s limits. It was one reason Noah was easy to be around. Another was the fact that he was a good person and even better friend.
Bennett squinted toward the tree line across the field of soybeans until they blurred into one blob of green. His laugh contained more bitterness than a pot of undercooked greens. “It’s a novelty to be mothered even for a weekend.”
“I wasn’t thinking, man.”
The silence bore down on Bennett until he had to break the tension. “I had no idea I was missing out on knitted scarves all these years.”
Their combined laughter petered out but left a new connection. One Bennett couldn’t help but hang on to. “If it hadn’t been for the drugs, I think my mom would have turned out okay. Maybe not homemade Rice Krispies treat–level good, but at least Oreo good.”
“Were they all shitty?”
“What? The cookies?”
“No. The foster homes.”
“Some were better than others.” The answer was a cop-out, and after everything Noah had shared with Bennett, the most valuable being friendship, he wanted to give more. “The best homes were ones where I was ignored. I got pretty good at staying under the radar.”
“What were the worst kind of homes?”
“The ones with lots of other fosters or older kids. Especially other boys. Every day was a battle. Luckily, I was always big for my age.” That hadn’t helped him when it was three on one, of course. “Occasionally, I got put with a family who preferred hands-on discipline.”
“Jesus. What did you do? Could you tell someone?”
“No one cared.” Except that wasn’t true. One woman had cared enough to give him one last chance. A chance that had changed his life. “Even then, I didn’t have it in me to cower and take it, so I fought back. Got me blackballed from any decent foster situation. Somehow my file came across the desk of a woman who saw past my anger to something worthwhile that had survived.”