Please don’t yell, I said
Take it out on me, Coop said, come on, bring it again Don’t do that! Don’t do that, I said and stepped between them We can talk, I said, when the details began to hit me Stuart was breathing heavy
Why? he asked
I didn’t answer
What were you thinking?
Why?
Why did you do this?
Because we have feelings for each other, Cooper answered I asked Sammie, Stuart said
I don’t know, I said
And of all the people to do this with, it’s the guy who you called a dumbshit? Stuart asked and pointed at Coop What? Coop said looking at me, wiping blood from his face in a long red smear Yeah, the pothead who you told me got kicked off the baseball team Coop narrowed his eyes at me and asked me if I’d told Stuart about freshman year Yes, but not on purpose, I told him
You told HIM something I told you not to tell anyone And the way Coop was hunched over and looking at me, I’ll never forget Like I had broken his neck Like he had put his heart out for me and I had smashed it He didn’t need to say it, we were both remembering that day he told me he got kicked off the team, and how hard I had tried to keep it out of my eyes, but he could sense it, and he had said, please don’t judge me But I did, and he could feel it
So it wasn’t the day he asked me out on the date, and it wasn’t the day Coop didn’t show up to help me babysit The day we stopped being friends was the day he made a mistake, and the day I had looked down on him for it And now he was looking at me like he was about to return the favor What the hell is this, Stuart asked nobody Fuck you man, Coop said
I tried to take Cooper’s hand but he pulled it away, slick as a fish, and walked away I think you’re better than this, Stuart said to me He sat down on the ground and said, You’re selfish, I know that now Maybe it’s not your fault
But you are selfish
You kept your sickness from me because it was easier for you, you decided to break up with me because it was easier for you, and you slept with this asshole because it was easier for you It’s hard for me to know you this way, the way you are now I was never anyone but myself, I said, I’m sorry for what I did, but it’s true Then I didn’t really know you, he said, and I don’t want to know you Stuart stayed where he was until Mom picked me up Coop left without saying good-bye
Now Coop hasn’t responded to my messages in four days Except to say “maybe you should be with your family and your boyfriend and think about things”
Stuart needs some space, he told me
I don’t need any space from anyone
I just need Coop to say something to me
Anything to me
Even if it’s just good-bye
BIG WORLD
Had a couple of blank days. Just wandering around, muttering. I don’t know how to tell the difference between NPC and just pure sadness. The lack of getting out of bed is the same. The heavy white space of my brain is the same. So is waking up in the middle of the night, wondering what’s happening, what went wrong.
Mom and Dad tell me I should forget about Coop and Stuart for now, both of them, and be positive. Coop would be back, they tell me. They also said that neither of them, nor anyone for that matter, could have “fully realized what I was going through.” I did, though. I knew what I was doing and wanted to do and felt all those things. Maybe I knew all along that I was trying to speed up before I slowed down.
I just didn’t know that slowing down would feel so good. I also didn’t know how much it would hurt. Or maybe I did know and I just did it anyway.
Now Mom and Dad stay home from work.
I recorded them talking at dinner the other night, after everyone else had gone to sleep. They were telling me about how they met.
MARK MCCOY, 45, AND GIA TURLOTTE MCCOY, 42, TRANSCRIBED AUDIO RECORDING:
Mom: We were working at the ski resort after high school graduation. Dad went to West Leb, I went to Hanover.
Dad: And there was this five-star cutie running the coffee stand.
Mom: And you didn’t even drink coffee!
Dad: I started that summer just to have an excuse to talk to (makes rainbow hand motion) Gia.
Mom: Anyway…
Dad: So. We’re crazy about each other. Can’t get enough. We move to New York City after six months. Guess what I wanted to be? Sammie will never guess.
Mom: I’m actually curious if you’ll guess this, Sammie. Not a city maintenance guy.
Sammie: A clown?
Mom: What? Ew.
Sammie: Just tell me.
Dad: I wanted to be (makes air guitar strum) a punk rocker. I even lived in Brooklyn, back when it was cheap and dirty.
Mom: So I moved there with him shortly after but the city is cruel and we could never stay long in one borough, let alone one apartment, for one reason or another. We didn’t have real jobs and we weren’t sure we wanted them.
Sammie: But living in New York together must have been fun.
Mom: Mmm. We were always so sad. And when we got sad we were too dependent on each other.
Dad: And then that cat ran away.