Not just a friendship feeling.
How weird it is that you have no idea what love is until it happens, and then you’re like that’s it, wow, there it is! It was there the whole time. Like a hidden image in one of those optical illusion books. When I took his hand. When he sat across from me in the ceramics studio, his eyes on me. When he and I were giants.
We don’t have to talk about it, he said. I just wanted to at least bring it up.
No I’m glad you did.
Coop swallowed again, and put his full hand on my cheek, then took it away. I wanted him to bring it back.
I think I have them, too, I told him.
When did that happen for you? he asked.
In the bedroom just now, I answered. When did that happen for you?
When I was twelve, he said.
And you still have them? I asked, and I moved closer to him.
I still have them, he answered.
And you have them for sure? he asked me.
I have them for sure, I answered.
I love you, Sammie, he said. I’ve loved you for a long time.
I love you, too.
And by now our lips were basically brushing against each other’s as the words came out of our mouths, and we were practically kissing, but when we did actually kiss it felt like I was drinking warm honey right to my gut, spilling out around me.
He put his hand on my stomach, right below my ribs and moved upward and I felt every millimeter and it was another time I wondered how the brain could work so well and move so slowly at the same time.
We shifted my body on top of his and my hair hung on his face, and he brushed it away, and I kissed his neck, and he rolled me on my back and kissed my neck, and then down on top of my shirt, to my waist, and then onto the skin between my shirt and my jeans, and he unbuttoned my jeans, and there was more, there was more.
As Coop was touching me it was like my muscles started climbing big steps, and I was breathing really fast and Coop asked if I was all right, if I wanted to keep going, and yes I wanted to keep going. All of a sudden I was at the top of the steps. I knew I was at the top because between my legs there was something I can only describe as a feeling as strong as pain but the exact opposite of pain, or maybe I could say that Coop’s fingers turned my body into a camera flash, hot and fast and bright, something you knew was coming but surprises you anyway.
After, in my mind, there was gratitude that I climbed with Coop, that I found who I was supposed to find, that what we did on the blanket was true and correct and just ours. Just me and Coop’s.
This is the story I will tell over and over.
I’m tired but only in my body.
I’m not tired anywhere else.
BAD
I fell asleep next to Coop and it was the stupidest thing to do, well, not what we did before, before that was the best night of my fucking life, but I wish we had gotten in the Blazer right away after, but it was so nice to fall asleep with my arms around his hard warm chest So I wasn’t home when Mom checked on me in the morning, and found an empty bed, she almost fainted she said She called Coop but of course he didn’t answer because we were asleep So then she assumed I had gone somewhere with Stuart because he was supposed to have gotten home last night She called Stuart and he said, yes he was home, but I wasn’t with him She called the cops
The cops told Mom they couldn’t search for me until I was missing for forty-eight hours, and she couldn’t go out to find me because Dad had already gone to work, and she couldn’t leave the kids So she called Stuart again and he went looking for me everywhere, first to Maddie’s, then to school, then around town Meanwhile Coop and I woke up
Well, he woke up, I didn’t know where I was I knew I was at the Potholes, and I knew Coop, but I couldn’t remember what we had done at first or how we had gotten there, but I was feeling really good for some reason, I remember, and I gave him a hug, and he tried to bring me back and tell me everything As he did that Stuart called me and I picked up because that’s what people do when someone calls them I shouldn’t have picked up
WHERE ARE YOU
I told him where I was because that’s what people do when someone asks them I was just being stupid, not Sammie, who is usually very smart STAY WHERE YOU ARE I remember him saying
When Stuart got to the Potholes, Coop and I were sitting on the blanket together and my memory was returning, especially the part where I loved him, and he had his hand on my back, rubbing my back, and everything was good until We saw Stuart and stood up
His eyes went from us, to the blanket, to our messy hair and our socks and shoes next to us Stuart made a fist
He hit Coop so hard
He hit Coop so hard in the face that Coop’s mouth and nose were bleeding and tears came out of his eyes Tears came out of my eyes WHAT THE FUCK Stuart yelled