She leans back into my chest and sniffs. “I feel sorry for you, Caden. But not that much. Because I think this hurts more than the incinerator will. I guess I’ll find out if that’s true soon enough.”
“Don’t talk like that, it’s not over. He could want you back. He’s the one who screwed up, not you. Your coach must know that.”
“Yeah, I called him, and he thinks it’s not over yet. Apparently Kaylee told him about your conversation with Trev, and how upset he was over cheating on me. I don’t know. The only thing I can think about it is that maybe Trev knows, deep down, that our relationship started under false pretenses. Because Trev’s such a good guy, the best really, and it’s so unlike him to do that. Unless he knows there’s something wrong with me. Plus, Caden, a girl … a girl is dead because of me. I never talk about it, obviously, but I think about it constantly and I think it warped me. I know I won, but, like, when she got taken away I changed so much that I’m not even sure if I’m lovable anymore.”
“You’re extremely lovable, Nat. And there’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing. You’ve done what you had to do to survive. It’s admirable.”
“That’s so kind of you to say, Caden. Thanks. But it’s something you should prepare yourself for if you can, because the LIC doesn’t prepare us at all for how it feels to win. They make it seem like winning will be this big party, but it’s really not.”
I picture Dyl being taken away, and know that I could never prepare myself for that.
“And I’m sorry about this,” she continues. “But I have more bad news. You need to hear it, though, because it could save your life. Here it goes: Juliet is planning on making her choice at Dyl’s party.”
The whole world slows down.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, she’s sick of toying with you both. She doesn’t think it’s fair to either of you. So she’s decided she’ll choose as soon as the party ends.”
This is good, Caden.
I start to shake. I sit up straighter, trying to contain myself, because I can’t let Natalie know how awful I feel about this. She’s expecting me to be happy about it, so that’s how I must act. Even though she’s a Love Interest, I still have to lie to her.
“You’re in the home stretch,” says Natalie. “And I’d bet on you. Dyl will be dead by the end of the week.”
I gulp. “Great.”
She meets my eyes. “I take back what I said before—you’re not that good an actor. At least you’re not when you’re hiding what truly matters to you.”
CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE
To kill time, I’m on the floor beside my bed doing push-ups. Up, down. Up, down. My muscles burn, all the way from my wrists to my chest.
I need to be big, I need to be strong.
My “Nicki’s Greatest Hits” playlist is playing through my laptop speakers, because I had hoped it would distract me. But now even Nicki reminds me of Dyl, and my mind is trapped in an endless cycle of Juliet making her choice. I picture her choosing Dyl, forcing me to accept that I’m going to die. Then I picture her choosing me, and having to watch as Dyl is dragged to his death.
I’m not sure which is worse.
I drop down so my face hovers an inch off the carpet. I’m so close I can see the wiry individual strands, and the little white flecks of dust and dirt that are deeply entrenched in the fibers. My entire body starts to tremble. A drop of sweat falls from my forehead to the floor.
Caden, you need to go to bed. Big day tomorrow.
Can’t sleep. Last chance to make sure I’m perfect.
You’ll get bags under your eyes and no one likes those. Go to bed. That’s an order.
A knock sounds on my window. I rise to the top of the push-up and look forward. Dyl is there, crouching outside my window. He’s wearing a black T-shirt, skinny jeans, and boots. I stand up and walk over to the window, rolling my aching left shoulder as I move.
I push the window up.
“Can’t sleep?” I ask as I turn back and press the space bar, stopping the music.
“No way. I’m kind of stressed about tomorrow. Judy thinks if it goes well I’ll make up some lost ground. Then, the day after the party, I’ve got this big thing planned. I can’t tell you about it, obviously, but it’s so cool. I’m already memorizing my lines.”
He doesn’t know that she’s going to choose tomorrow. He doesn’t know how close he is to death. I should play along, but I can’t win this thing with an unfair advantage. I just can’t.
“Dyl, there isn’t going to be a day after the party for one of us. She’s going to make her choice tomorrow.”
His face drops. “Are you sure?”
“I’m certain.”
“I … I haven’t done enough. If she’s making her choice tomorrow, she’s going to pick you.” His eyes go wide. “I’m going to die.”
I can’t lie. I can’t do it.
“I think so,” I say. “Dyl, I—”
“Nope, I’m not going to give up, and I don’t think you’re ready to give up on me. We’re smart, so we can figure a way to get out of this. If we make sure we’re both really important to her, then they’ll have to keep me around, right? I don’t know, maybe the LIC could repurpose me as a long-lost brother or something? Come on, man, start coming up with some ideas! The only way for us both to survive is to make sure we’re both important to the plot, so how can we do that? There has to be a way. I mean, if Cho Chang can make it to the Battle of Hogwarts then we can get through this. Maybe we could copy her? If I somehow find a way to make myself important to the school, then they’ll keep me around. Right?”
“I just don’t think that’s our story. Trust me, I wish I could tell you it’ll work, but I promised I’d be honest. And it won’t work. Our story is going to end with one clear victor, and as soon as he’s crowned, the other needs to vanish. That’s our story.”
His pupils twitch, and I can almost see the cogs in his mind processing this. He gulps, then looks up at me. “So this is my last night alive. Fine. I’ve known this was coming for a while, so it doesn’t change anything. But can we do something fun tonight? I don’t want to spend it alone.”
Don’t be stupid, Caden. He could kill you. It’s happened before. Don’t go with him.
“Kaylee thinks you want to kill me.”
Dyl’s jaw is clenched tight and his cheek muscles are twitching. I notice something weird: he’s shaved. It makes him look younger and makes his eyes seem kinder somehow. His bloody perfect eyebrows are slightly raised, and his skin is so clear it looks like it’s glowing. He rubs his hairless chin and catches me looking at him.
“I’m not going to kill you, Caden. I’m not even trying to win anymore. What’s the point? It’s over, I know it is. You beat me. And I’m okay with it, really. But I want to enjoy this wild world for one last night before they burn me. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, given the overwhelming shittiness of the hand I’ve been dealt.”
He’s right, it’s not too much to ask. “I’m in,” I say. “But I have to get changed.”