“Riley,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes and braced myself for the onslaught of emotions. It was no use. They dug their claws into me and dragged me down, deep into a dark well. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I loved this man. It wasn’t fair. There existed all this love in my heart, all this passion, and there was nothing I could do with it. I just had to stand by and watch it fade and die.
Xavier said my name again, making it all too much.
“The list,” I gasped.
“I shouldn’t have taken part in it.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Who has access to it? Is it just you and Seth?”
Xavier’s jaw ticked. “I can’t tell you that. I won’t betray the other men.”
“So you’re still loyal to it.”
“No. I won’t add women to it anymore. I won’t pick women from it. I have what I want right here, Riley.” I tried to look away from him, but he tightened his grip on my head and forced me to retain eye contact. “Do you get that? You’re the one I want.”
“But what about everyone else? You’re just going to stand here and let that list exist? You’re going to let women be used?”
“It’s not that simple. There’s an agreement. There are rules...”
“I don’t care about your rules.” I forced myself away from his hold. “I don’t care about your stupid club, or whatever it is you’re a part of. I care about you, Xavier.”
I started crying again. I looked like a fool, and I felt like one. I needed to get out of here. Every minute I stayed made my eventual departure worse. I quickly stepped around Xavier and rushed the doorway. I snatched my purse from the hook in the foyer and threw myself out the door.
No more of this. I had to stop trying. I had opened my heart up, and it got broken again. Now I was left alone with the pieces. And Xavier might think that he’d been hurt too, but he had no clue what he’d done to me. I would be cleaning up this mess for a long time. Maybe for the rest of my life.
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
Xavier
She cares about me.
I wasn’t sure how long I stood there, frozen, my feet and brain unable to function. Her words had taken me by such surprise that I was robbed of my ability to think. “I care about you,” she’d said.
After everything that happened, after all of the painful shit I’d put her through, she still cared for me. I’d hoped that would be the case, but I also knew I didn’t deserve Riley’s affections.
But I could work toward them. I could try, every day for the rest of my life, to be better than I’d been. But first, I needed to convince Riley to stay. I had to make her believe that I was worth sticking around for.
Starting now.
“Riley!”
I snapped out of my daze as I threw the front door of my place open. The hallway sat empty, no sign of her anywhere. I rushed for the elevator, praying she hadn’t made it that far yet.
I turned the corner—the elevator doors were closed. Curses flew from my mouth as I frantically pounded the call button. Once Riley walked out of this building, my chances of winning her over would dramatically decrease. With each physical step she took away from me, she’d be taking a mental step as well. Soon, I’d be nothing to her but a distant memory. A painful regret.
The elevator doors opened, and I pushed my way through them. The cables couldn’t take me down fast enough. I’ve missed her. There’s no way she’s still in this building.
I clenched my hands and counted the seconds as they passed by. When the elevator doors opened again, I threw myself into the lobby just in time to see Riley stepping through the front doors.
“Riley!” My call echoed in the lobby. Both Riley and the doorman, his hand on the open door, turned and looked at me. I ran across the floor and stopped a few feet away from her.
When her eyes met mine, hers were full of sadness. “Please don’t do this, Xavier. Just let me walk away, all right? Make it easy on me for once.”
“No. I can’t do that.”
I glanced at the doorman, who still stood with the door wide open. When my eyes fell on him, he dropped his face.
“Let’s talk about this,” I told Riley. “Somewhere private.”
She stiffened. “That’s what we were just doing.”
“I know, but I have more to say.”
She threw her hands up in frustration. “What more could you possibly say? You told me you realized you were in the wrong, but you’re still allowing that… thing… to continue.”
“I know, and it’s—”
“Complicated. Right. I got that.”
“But you and I aren’t. Not anymore. I can’t go on without you near me. Do you get that?” I cut my hand through the air, desperately attempting to express how serious I was. “I’ve fucked up just about everything in my life that isn’t business. And I want to tell you some things. I’m not using them as an excuse, I just… I think that if you know more about me, it might help you to understand me.”
Riley placed her hands on her hips. She was intrigued, but not yet convinced. “What kind of things?”
“Things about my… life. Growing up, I mean. And now.” I gulped and looked over at the doorman again. He was just as close to me as Riley was, a third wheel in this very personal conversation. I looked back at Riley. “We can’t do this somewhere more personal?”
“No,” she tartly responded.
She was testing me. She was pushing me to my breaking point. It drove me crazy but made me love her even more. The doorman pointedly looked out the window and studied the pedestrians going by. When I imagined exposing myself to Riley, baring my soul to her, I didn’t think it would be done in front of the part-time doorman whose name I couldn’t remember. But if it meant doing this or losing Riley, then fine. I’d do whatever it took to keep her by my side.
A lump formed in my throat and joined the tightness in my chest. They were recognizable sensations. All my life, they’d held me back. Any time I’d thought about revealing my truth to someone, fear took over. It stopped me from becoming the person I really wanted to be. But not any longer. The pain might still be present, but I wouldn’t let it stop me. I would push forward despite it. I would become something more. I would create more for myself. More for Riley.
I took in a deep breath and went for it. “I knew you were something special the moment I first saw you. I tried to explain it away, to tell myself you were just a unique girl and that anyone would think the same thing. But now I know the truth. You were special to me because you were made for me. I know this sounds stupid, but it’s fucking true, Riley. I just couldn’t admit it sooner. It’s… hard. I grew up in a family that didn’t show affection and appreciation. The only time my dad ever touched my mom was when he hit her.”