While she did this, I took advantage of the view over Sydney Harbour. There were two cruise ships entering the port and the layered decks looked like floating wedding cakes. There were beautiful flowers, trees and birds I’d never seen before. What a strangely exotic and different place to be and I was very glad that Hawk was with me. As a rather timid person, this would have been too much for me to enjoy all on my own.
The maid came to get me, and I went into the white marbled spa and settled into the bath. It felt decadently luxurious after the rigors of the flight. I almost fell asleep. I was very nervous about the upcoming night and took my time getting ready.
After helping me dress and brushing my hair until it gleamed, the maid respectfully ushered me to the hallway, pointed out Hawk’s door and then disappeared. I put my hand on the knob, the new diamond ring sparkling on my left hand and opened the door. The night I’d waited for my entire life was about to begin.
Hawk was standing by the window. His profile was to me, and I could see he was dressed in only a pair of silk pajama pants, gold with black fleur-de-lis in design. One muscled forearm was flexing as his hand gripped the window lock. He wouldn’t look at me. His hair, still damp from bathing, was brushed back and tucked behind his ears, although one dark lock hung down in his face.
“Hawk?” Perhaps he didn’t hear me come in, although I knew he had. He didn’t flinch but continued looking out the window at some undeterminable point in space. I took a few steps toward him, and as I did, I could see his face wasn’t damp from bathing. He was in a cold sweat. “Hawk!” I was alarmed. My tower of strength was having a full out meltdown. “What is it? What’s wrong?
His voice, normally deep and commanding was whispery and raw. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?” I asked him, not believing that he could possibly mean what I was afraid he meant.
He turned now, his strong, handsome physique withering as he did so. “I can’t make love to you.”
I was right!
My heart thumped in my throat. I timed a few beats, mentally approaching the thought of what he’d said and searching for some logical explanation. I moved closer to him, the gauzy negligee swirling around my legs. I reached out a hand toward him, but he pulled away. “Right,” I acknowledged, nodding and moving back across the room to sit on the edge of the bed. “Come and sit down, Hawk. Let’s talk about this.” I patted the spot beside me.
“There’s nothing to talk about. This has all been a horrible mistake. We should have never come here; should never have gotten married. It’s not too late. If we don’t consummate this, it just goes away, like it never happened.”
I don’t know what happened in the hour we’d been apart, but it was clear the demons in his head had done a good job tormenting him. He was panting with some emotional exorcism, and the perspiration was beginning to trail down his powerfully-muscled chest. I found myself torn. I felt desire for the man I loved and now wanted to touch so intimately, but I felt compassion for a creature who was obviously in trouble. I could sense his pain, although I had no idea of the cause. This was far, far deeper than wedding jitters.
“Would you answer something for me?” I asked, keeping my voice gentle.
He swallowed. “Of course.”
“Do you love me?”
He met my eyes. “With every fiber of my body.”
“Have I done something to anger you?”
“You? How could you? You’re the gentlest person I’ve ever known. No, Liane, it has nothing to do with you.”
“Then, while we are still friends who care about one another, let’s sit and talk about this. If, when we’re done, you want to annul the marriage, I’ll go along and just disappear from your life.”
“Don’t you hate me?” he cried in a ragged voice, dragging his hands through his hair.
His pain speared me so intensely I nearly doubled over. I took a deep breath. “Of course not! I feel your pain, Hawk. Do you understand? You can’t keep the pain from me. I feel it every bit as real as you do. Please, come here and sit. Let’s open this pain and get rid of it. It’s hurting me too.”
He couldn’t argue with that. He didn’t want me to hurt, and the idea that he was the source was enough to convince him to come and sit on the bed.
“Good. Hawk, whatever it is, we will work through it. I love you. I’m not simply in love with you, but I love everything about you. The way you look, talk, feel, think… even the way you cuss when things don’t go your way. You need to understand that it’s unconditional love that will never end.”
“Why?” he asked me. “Why do you love me, Liane? I’m bad news. I’m a bad seed. I should have never been born. My parents tried to get rid of me, my brother hates me — don’t deny it, I can see it in his eyes. I’ve never made many friends. They all end up wanting to get rid of or get away from me. I can’t saddle you with that. I can’t take your beautiful innocence here, even under the edict of marriage and then have it hurt you. Somewhere along the way, Liane, believe me. You will want to get away from me too. It will happen. It always does.”
His thoughts took my breath away. I’d never known anything in my life, but loving support and the idea that I wasn’t wanted was something I couldn’t understand.
“I see where your pain comes from and can understand why you feel this way. I truly do. You’ve forgotten one thing, though.”
He looked at me and even now, I saw the desire in his eyes. Doubtless the lamp behind me was outlining my form beneath the sheer fabric. I belonged to him. He no longer needed to ask, or wait or plan how to get me. I was his. He’d won. Now that the challenge was past, he was afraid to reach out and take the prize. It had always been denied him at the last moment. Somehow things never worked out for him. He’d been born rich, handsome, and with magnetic parents. A fairytale upbringing. Then everything soured, and he ended up exiled and unwanted. Of course, he doubted what we had. Who wouldn’t?
“You’ve forgotten that you’re no longer alone, Hawk. From the first time we met at the Y, I knew I belonged to you. That’s why I was drawn to you. We were simply two halves of a whole, waiting to meet. There is an attraction between us that can’t be altered. Even if we leave this moment and never see one another again, there will always be a part of you that’s missing, and that part is me. I’m what makes you whole, Hawk. Me. Not your parents or siblings or anyone else. Not your money, your reputation — no one but me. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”
I saw him sway slightly forward, as though subliminally toward the goal of embracing me. He held back, though, like a child who’s been offered candy but knows he’s not to have it. I held out my hand. “Just take it. Feel me.”