And I was drawn to her, just as I’d been drawn to her from the beginning. And just like that, I decided to accept whatever else she needed to tell me.
She exhaled, feeling my acceptance and sank back into her chair. I followed, picking mine up from the floor, pulling it closer to her.
“I was at home, and a sense of darkness came over me,” she continued her story as if there had been no interruption. “An emotional darkness — it felt like fury. Hawk, I knew it came from you. I have the ability to connect to you. I’ve had it since the first day we met. I know this all sounds hokey, but you have to accept my word as the truth as I perceive it.”
I nodded and knew what was coming.
“What I didn’t know, however, is that I could pick up your energy from such a distance. I “sent” you and image of a warm hug with the intention of slowing you down. It was also supposed to absorb the anger you were feeling. It worked, didn’t it?”
I nodded again.
“What I didn’t expect was that your anger would boomerang back at me. I became intensely angry and bitter. I wanted to hurt someone. No one I knew — just someone. That came from you, didn’t it?”
Looking down at the floor, I said, “Yes.”
“I don’t know exactly what had you so angry, or how you were acting out, but I felt what you’d been feeling. It wasn’t pleasant, and we need to talk about it.”
The thought of causing her pain was agony. “I’ll leave you be, Liane. I don’t ever want you to feel pain or anger because of me. I can’t let that happen.”
“No, no, Hawk, it’s no good. We’re already connected, you and I. It wouldn’t matter if you went to Antarctica, I would still feel it. Our connection is too strong to escape.”
I was silent, trying to put into words what I had to tell her, judging how much she should hear. If what she was saying was accurate, then my telling her of the horrors of the past would make her feel my pain.
“It doesn’t work like that,” she murmured, and I knew she’d read my mind. “Hawk, there is in each of us an energy that is always passing in and out of us. We aren’t solid; we’re an accumulation of energy “units” for lack of a better word. Just like light travels, so does that energy. I think my brain is a superconductor, if you will. I am tuned in to you, just as I was with my mother. I feel that darkness that haunts you and I want to help you rid yourself of it. When you release that anger, you release it for both of us.”
I looked at Liane, and her peace was settling over my thoughts. It was almost as if she glowed. “What do I do?” I asked her.
“We have to feel our way through it. I’m no expert in this and as weird as it sounds, I’m a little scared of it too. With my mother, I simply had to leave the bedroom. With you, it’s more powerful. I don’t even know where you were, but I guess it wasn’t here last night.”
“I was in California.”
She reached out a hand to steady herself. “You see?” she said, her eyes wide and filled with awe and maybe a little fear. “You can’t go far enough to shield me.” Lifting my fingers to her lips, she kissed each knuckle, then held my hand to her cheek. “I believe that you’ll have to share some of yourself with me. Maybe not everything, but enough so that I recognize what triggers your hurt and anger. Then, maybe, together we can learn to not let those thoughts into your head and eventually, they will lose their power over you, and consequently, me.”
I looked at her with skepticism.
“I know. I know it sounds strange.” She put down the mug of tea and rose to her feet. Look, maybe this is a bad idea. I really don’t know what I’m doing in all of this. I only know how it feels. You’ve acknowledged that you felt it last night. But maybe I’m in way over my head, and I should just grab a cab back into town and leave you alone.”
“No! No, Liane, don’t go!” I burst with a need to have her remain.
She stopped and looked at me; at the misery on my face. Finally, she said, “My dad had his calling. Maybe in some sense, you are mine.”
I held my hand out to her, and she took it. I pulled her down onto my lap, and she sat sideways, leaning into my chest. I gently pulled her head against me, and I smelled the chlorine and sunshine in her hair. She’d been swimming that day and probably hadn’t gotten the chance to shampoo it away. It was a wonderful smell. “I don’t understand all this, but you’re right. I felt the blackness you know about, and I also felt the warmth you sent me. You got me through it. Liane, I need you in my life. Not just to be my “energy shrink” but because there’s something about you I can’t get enough of. I can’t work, can’t sleep and barely get through anything I start because I just want to come and find you and keep you with me. Believe me, when I say this isn’t typical for a guy like me. I’ve seen some bad things, and they’ve driven me to hole up and live by myself. I’m not used to needing. Not anyone or anything.”
I felt her head nod beneath my chin.
“I don’t want you to hurt, though,” I told her. “I don’t want to lose you, either. Hell, I don’t know what to do.” I was feeling so conflicted and out of my normal element. Lack of control didn’t sit well with me.
“Do you trust me?” Liane asked.
It took me a second, but only because I realized what I was about to say. “Yes, I think for the first time in my life, I truly trust someone. Yes, I trust you.”
“Then let me carry this for you. Tell me the darkness that envelopes you so I can help you banish it and we’ll both be free of the pain it brings you.”
“Do you trust me?” I asked in return, and she nodded. “Then come with me and lie on my bed. This will take a lot of telling.”
She slid off my lap and we headed toward my room. I pulled back the covers and tucked her in, pushing the outside blankets beneath her. It was the closest I’d ever come to a loving gesture. I laid down beside her and slid my arm beneath her head, pulling her close. I was careful not to touch her in any other way. She needed to know I was a man of my word.
I didn’t know how to begin, so I got the worst of it out of the way first. “I killed my uncle.” Her body jerked a bit at my words, but she didn’t pull away.
“Go on,” she whispered.
“Well, I’ve got this crazy situation in my family. When she was young, my maternal grandmother had an affair with my paternal grandfather, who was married at the time. There was a baby, and my grandmother was going to put it up for adoption. Instead, my grandfather adopted the child anonymously. He was intent that no one ever know.”