“We’ll get back to that,” Harrison said dismissively. “The point here is that I’m not a liar. Therefore, you can trust me when I say that you already have all that you need. I’m merely letting you find a way to bring it out.
“I think it a great tragedy that you have four such accomplished sisters. Not that I think they are bad people. You know full well my admiration for your eldest sister. But they shine so brightly. They dazzle. And I think that has left you without the room you deserved to grow into your own.
“You are just as witty, and talented, and engaging, and sophisticated, as any of your sisters. But you’re the youngest and I think—I think that you allowed them to hold the spotlight without even realizing that was what you were doing
“I think you’ve sold yourself terribly short. You have all that you need to walk into that card room and take that bastard—I’m sorry, pardon my language—for all that he’s worth. You just don’t know it yet. That’s all.”
Regina felt as though the room had become too hot and too small. And it wasn’t in a pleasant way, like when she and Harrison were playing cards and she could feel every inch of her skin aflame, reminding her of how close he was and how alive they both were,
Instead it reminded her of when she was in a ballroom and it felt like there were too many people around her. All of them crowding around her and being loud. It stifled her and even frightened her.
She felt frightened now. Almost as though she couldn’t get in any air, couldn’t breathe properly.
She stood up abruptly, turning away from Harrison and breaking his hold around her. Literally, as his arm fell away from her shoulders. Perhaps metaphorically as well.
“I won’t have you filling my head with pretty stories,” she replied to him. She kept her back to him.
She felt like a silly child, on the verge of tears. She didn’t want Harrison to see her in that way. She didn’t want anyone to see her in that way anymore, she realized. She wanted to be taken seriously as an adult.
But how could she do that when she was about to burst into tears? And over something utterly ridiculous.
“They’re not pretty stories—” Harrison began.
“I understand that you want to butter me up. That it will benefit me to go in there filled with confidence. But I will not be lied to. I want to go into that room knowing the truth about what I can and cannot accomplish and that means knowing the truth about myself.”
She kept her back to him but she no longer felt like crying. That was good.
“I haven’t spent my life being told that I’m one way to believe a man when he uses honeyed words to tell me I’m another. I know that I’m young. I know I might slip up and be childish.
“But I’m not unintelligent. I’m certainly not na?ve. I understand who I am and how I am. And sophisticated, witty, those things—those things I certainly am not.
“Do you not think that, if I were, I would have shown some sign of them before now? That somebody, somewhere, would have seen them?
“Even Bridget—and I know that you care for her, and I don’t mean to speak ill of her. You know that I adore her. She is the dearest person in the world to me. But even she, I think sometimes, I think she worries about me.
“I think that she doesn’t think I’m quite up to herself or my sisters either. As much as she doesn’t mean to think it. And as much as it would hurt her to say it out loud because she would know that saying it would hurt me. But if even… if even my darling sister who I know loves me. And I know that she loves me—if even she thinks that of me…
“You can see how I know that you’re flattering me. And I don’t like it. It’s part of why I don’t like most men, they flatter you because they think every woman wants to be treated as a peacock. That women only want praise no matter how false it is.
“And maybe other women want that. Perhaps they would hear sweet nothings no matter how false those statements might be. I am not one of those women. I want the truth only.
“Society has been kind enough to give me the truth, if not to my face. You’ve said it yourself. You know what people have told you about me. I’m a mouse. I’m horribly rude when I do open my lips. I’m not at all fun to be around. I’m entertaining only in that it can be amusing to watch me stumble all over myself.
“I make myself and those around me uncomfortable. That’s all I am. So you’ll excuse me if I don’t play the part of yet another ingénue who falls for your sweet words. I’m sure you’ve gotten many a girl with them.
“And I don’t blame those girls! They’re well-said words, very pretty, and who doesn’t want to be told that they are special and valuable? I can understand why they like it so much. But I get enough fantasy from my books. I’m not one of those girls.”
She heard the sofa creak slightly and the floorboards shift as Harrison stood up.
“You ridiculous, impossible creature,” Harrison said quietly. “Why do you think that I chose to help you? Why I continue to help you even after my friends made it clear to me the danger that we are putting both of ourselves in by spending time with one another?
“The right thing to do—the proper thing to do—would be to send you home. No matter what you may wish to do to save your family, it cannot be worth the ruin that you risk bringing down upon yourself. Not only by playing cards but by spending time with me.
“Cora may be your escort but she is a tentative one. And we spend hours of every day together. It is suspect. It is more than suspect. If I were a truly honorable man I would give it all up and let you go.
“But I have faith in you. I know that you can pull this off. And may God forgive me but I actually enjoy your company, shocking a discovery though it may be to you.
“I am not the kind of man given over to flattering ladies who do not deserve it. Especially when it comes to something of this nature. You asked for my help. My help can only truly be helpful to you if I push you.
“As you are, you cannot win. But I know what you can be and if I push you, then you will become the kind of person who can beat Pettifer. But not if I simply flatter you.
“That is not how champions are made. That is not how anyone succeeds. One succeeds by being challenged. So if I tell you something—if I compliment you—then it is because you are genuinely worthy of that compliment.
“It is important that one sees one’s self clearly. Especially when you are going to embark on a venture such as this one. That means you need to see your flaws, yes. But it also means that you need to see your virtues.
“You do have virtues, Regina,” Harrison said. His voice gentled. “You have many of them. Please stop hurting yourself by claiming that you do not. It only hides the truly wonderful person that you are away from society. It teaches you to be ashamed of yourself when there is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“And you claim that you are a horrible person,” Regina said. “Yet you spend all of this time building me up.”
She turned around and tentatively smiled at him.