Regina, though, had no real father as consequence. She had no real mother either but only Bridget as a substitute. It was natural that she would look up to Thomas when he was taking care of her and mentoring her like this.
If he told her about his feelings, she would feel as though she had to marry him. It would be out of a sense of duty. For how could she love him?
How could she love a man who had accepted her sister’s unwilling hand as payment for helping her? It was a cad move. A rake’s move. And he had done it.
To say that he felt shame was like telling a dying man that he was feeling poorly. Not even having to play cards in order to win his family’s fortune back had brought shame upon him in this manner.
No, Regina could not love him. But she was an honorable girl. She would marry him out of duty. And then where would they be? She would grow to hate him in time. He was certain of it.
She might even find another. She would find another and not be able to have them. He knew that Regina would never even think to cheat upon her spouse. She was loyal and followed the rules. The fact that she was skirting so close to disaster to save her family was eating her up inside. He could see it in her eyes.
No, he wouldn’t trap her in a loveless marriage… loveless on her part, at least… and then keep her there, unhappy, resenting him.
But God, how he longed for her. He wanted to be able to kiss her hand. He wanted to tell her how he loved it when she opend up and teased him. He wanted to tell her that she looked beautiful.
He knew that Regina didn’t think that she was beautiful. He could see why she had come to that conclusion. Her quiet personality and subdued posture meant that people did not immediately notice her. She tended to withdraw into herself around people.
But while Bridget was a beauty, and he had seen Natalie and Elizabeth and knew that they were also lovely, Regina could stand shoulder to shoulder with them and feel no shame. She actually looked a lot like Bridget, except for her eyes.
Regina had warm, solid brown eyes. They looked like the kind that you could just sink into. When you looked into them you knew that you could trust her.
Her pale skin and darling freckles only added to it. She looked decadently elfin. He loved it, far more than he had liked any other more statuesque beauties. And that included Bridget.
If only he could say the things to her that bubbled up in his chest. If only he could find a way to tell her that he would always keep her safe. That he would do any number of ridiculous things to make her smile.
He would keep taking her to the park and the museum for the rest of his life if that was what would please her. He would buy her dresses and shower her with jewelry. But most of all he would make her feel confident.
Thomas wanted Regina to see herself as he saw her. And he wanted her to be able to walk into a room with her head held high because of it.
He wanted more intimate things as well of course. He especially wanted to show her the Ocean Room, the master bedroom. It was done up in blues all over and was so calming. He knew that Regina would love it. He wanted to kiss her everywhere and dance with her and hold her in his arms.
But above all of that, yes, he wanted her to have confidence.
Thomas stared at himself in the mirror above the dresser. His hair was in disarray from running his hands through it in frustration. He set about fixing it. He must look presentable.
If he could end this whole affair with Regina possessing the confidence that she deserved then he would be content. Would he be happy? No, he didn’t think so.
He rather suspected that since it had taken love so long to come, it would take a long time in going away. Perhaps an even longer time in coming back in a different form.
But it didn’t matter about him. He didn’t have to marry. Regina did. She would need to find someone.
With her newfound confidence, he was sure that she would. He hoped that she would. He wanted her to be happy even if that meant she wasn’t by his side.
His Puck. Did she know that he truly meant it when he said that? That he meant mine? That he meant stay by my side, little fairy?
She could not. How could she? She saw nothing in him but a careful guardian and that was how it should be.
Yes, if he could end this with Regina confident in herself, then he would be content. Satisfied, even. He could watch her from the sidelines. And he’d find someone else in time, someone he could tolerate well enough who could bear him a child to continue the family line.
Now was the time for setting aside his torment. He was a man. Not some Gothic hero or the star of a play. He was a regular man and he did what was needed and he certainly did not waste his time pining over things that could not be.
Just as his father could not handle finances better. Just as his mother could not live longer. So Regina could not be his. It was simple. It was fact.
Crying over it wasn’t going to solve anything, so why bother? Actions were what mattered.
He had bargained her sister for his aide and that had been wrong. Furthermore, Regina only saw him as a brother. Those two facts could not be denied so why bother with denying them?
Enough, now.
Thomas composed himself and left the room.
Chapter 22
Regina was starting to hate shuffling cards.
In fact, whoever had invented shuffling cards could be run over in a carriage accident and she would be perfectly happy.
As the deck once again spilled out of her hands, she let out a swear.
“Now where would a sweet girl like you learn a word like that?”
She startled, turning to find Harrison lounging in the doorway. He had changed into another pair of trousers and a shirt, although he still did away with his jacket and waistcoat.
“I can’t seem to keep them from falling out of my hands,” she admitted.
“It can be hard, with your smaller hands,” Harrison admitted. He walked over and sat down next to her. “Here, I’ll show you.”
He took the cards and shuffled slowly, showing her how to hold them and how to use the wrists.
“If you get good enough, you can trick people with shuffling,” he explained. “You can deal them bad cards and give yourself good ones. But you don’t need to worry about that right now.”
“What if someone at the table is doing that?” Regina asked.
She felt a little distracted by all the things she hadn’t noticed about Harrison before. Or, to put it more accurately, the things she hadn’t let herself notice:
The way that he smelled, heavy and masculine—the way it made her breath catch but also made her want to curl up against his side and breathe him in;
The darkness of his hair, and the way it curled slightly now that it was just the two of them alone together and he didn’t have to tame it down;
The intensity and warmth in his eyes, the way they seemed to bore into her;
The skill of his hands, and how large they were, dwarfing hers…