“But I don’t have any doubts, Alice,” I said.
“The last thing I need is to get another phone call when I’m already in my dress. You understand that, Cyril, don’t you? I don’t know how I survived what Fergus did to me. I’m telling you right now that I couldn’t go through that twice. It would be the end of me.”
I stared at her, uncertain where all this had come from. Had she been thinking this for sometime? Did she suspect something? By the bar, I saw the handsome young man finishing his pint and reaching for his jacket.
Now is your chance, I told myself. Tell her the truth. Trust her to understand, to forgive your deceit, to be your friend, to help you and love you still. And then tell her that we can discuss it some other time but right now she needs to go over to the bar and give that man her phone number before it’s too late.
“Cyril?” said Alice, sounding suddenly concerned. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Why?”
“You’re crying.”
“I’m not crying,” I said, but when I reached a hand to my cheeks, to my astonishment they were wet and the tears were rolling from my eyes. I hadn’t even noticed. I wiped them away with my handkerchief and tried to pull myself together.
“Alice,” I said, looking at her more intently than I had ever looked at anyone in my life as I reached forward to take her hand.
“Why were you crying?”
“I wasn’t.”
“You were!”
“I don’t know. I must have a cold. Alice—”
“What?” she asked nervously. “Tell me, Cyril. Whatever it is, just tell me. I promise that it will be all right.”
“Will it though?” I said, looking directly at her.
“You’re frightening me now.”
“I’m sorry, Alice. This is all my fault.”
“What’s your fault? Cyril, what have you done?”
“It’s what I haven’t done. What I haven’t said.”
“Why, what haven’t you said? Cyril, you can tell me anything, I promise. You look so unhappy right now. Nothing can be that bad, surely?”
I looked down at the table and she remained silent, waiting for me to speak. “If I tell you,” I said eventually, “then you’ll hate me. And I don’t want you to hate me.”
“But I could never hate you! I love you!”
“I’ve made a terrible mistake,” I said.
She sat up, her face growing darker now. “Is there someone else?” she asked. “Have you been seeing someone else?”
“No,” I said, even though I had. Just not in public. “It’s not that.”
“Then what? Jesus, Cyril, just tell me!”
“All right,” I said. “The thing is, ever since I was a boy…”
“Yes?”
“Ever since I was a boy, I’ve known that—”
“Excuse me.”
We both looked up and standing over us was the handsome young man from the bar. I thought he’d left but, no, he was simply standing there with a wide smile on his face, looking slightly embarrassed.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said.
“What?” asked Alice, looking up at him irritably. “What is it?”
“It’s just…look, I wouldn’t normally do this type of thing,” he said. “Only I thought there was a bit of a connection between us back there. I wondered whether you might give me your phone number, that’s all. If you didn’t mind. Maybe I could take you out some night?”
She stared at him in disbelief. “Are you joking me?” she asked.
“No,” he said, frowning. “Sorry, did I get the wrong idea? Only it seemed as if—”
“I’m sitting here with my fiancé,” she said, turning to me. “Can’t you see that? Do you normally ask girls out when they’re sitting with their fiancés? Are you that sure of yourself?”
“Oh,” he said, turning and looking at me in shock. “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t think…actually, I assumed you were brother and sister.”
“Why on earth would you assume that?” asked Alice.
“I don’t know,” he said, completely flustered now. “Something about the way you were both sitting. The way you were looking at each other. I didn’t think you were together together.”
“Well, we are. And that’s an incredibly rude thing to say.”
“Yes,” he said. “I’m sorry. I apologize to you both.”
And with that he turned around and made his way out of the bar as Alice watched after him, shaking her head. Go after him, I should have said. Go after him before he disappears forever!
“Can you believe that?” she asked, turning back to me.
“It was a mistake,” I said. “He didn’t mean anything by it.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t punch him.”
I stared at her. “Did you want me to? I’m not really the punching type.”
“No, of course not. Only…oh I don’t know what I’m saying. This evening is going all wrong. Let’s forget that ever happened and just tell me whatever you were going to tell me.”
“I can’t even remember now,” I lied, wishing I could just leave.
“Of course you can. You said that ever since you were a little boy—”
“Ever since I was a little boy I wasn’t sure that I could ever make someone happy,” I said quickly, dismissing the entire thing. “That’s all. It sounds stupid, all right? Can we just leave it at that?”
“But you make me happy all the time,” she said.
“Do I?”
“I wouldn’t be marrying you if you didn’t.”
“Right,” I said.
“But look, while we’re being honest with each other, there’s something I want to tell you too. And I’m just going to spit it out, OK?”
“OK,” I said, feeling utterly miserable.
“The thing is, I think we should have sex. With each other. Before we get married. Just to be sure.”
“Be sure about what?”
“Can I ask you something?” she said.
“You can ask me anything.”
“Will you tell me the truth?”
I wondered whether she noticed my hesitation. “Of course,” I said.
“Have you ever been with a woman, Cyril?”
I knew that I could be honest with her about this at least.
“No,” I said, looking down at the table and rubbing my finger against some invisible mark imprinted into the wood. “No, I haven’t.”
“I thought not,” she said, and there was something approaching relief in her tone. “I felt certain that you were a virgin. It’s the Church, you see. They’ve messed all you boys up. Not Julian, of course. Julian is different. Although I suppose he’s got his own problems with his constant need for affirmation. They’ve made you think that sex is something dirty when it’s not. It’s perfectly natural. It’s part of life. It’s how we all got here in the first place. And it can be wonderful if it’s done right. Even when it’s done wrong it’s still better than a poke in the eye with a rusty nail. Oh, I’m not suggesting that everyone should be going out and doing it left, right and center like Julian does but if you really like someone—”
“I suppose what you’re saying is that you’ve had sex,” I said.
“I have, yes,” she said. “And I’m not ashamed to admit it. That’s not going to be a problem, is it? You’re not going to get all judgmental on me, are you?”
“No, of course not,” I said. “It makes no difference to me how carelessly some people want to cast themselves into the fires of hell for all eternity.”
“What?”