My stomach was a bundle of nerves as I saw my father sitting down underneath a large tree, out of the sun and away from the crowd of people who were enjoying the warm sunny day. As I slowly walked towards him, I could see the sadness that resided on his face. It was a look that I’d only seen once in my life and that was when my grandmother passed away.
“Hello, Jillian.” His lips gave way to a small subtle smile.
“Daddy,” I spoke as I sat down next to him.
“How are you?” he asked.
“I’m here. So what did you want to talk about?” I asked as I stared straight ahead, not being able to look him in the eyes.
“I want to apologize to you for the other night. After giving our discussion some serious thought, I now understand why you did it. Why you left us and Grant.”
Looking down and fidgeting with my hands, I spoke, “You do?”
“Yeah, sweetheart, I do. I need you to understand that your mother and I only wanted what was best for you. We wanted you to be a successful, well-educated adult. Unfortunately, we went about it the wrong way and I’m sorry.”
“You wanted me to be the perfect child. The daughter you and Mom could show off and boast about to all your high society friends. You never gave me the chance to be the person I wanted to be.”
“And who do you want to be?”
“I want to be me. You brainwashed me into believing that I had to do and act in such a manner, that if I didn’t, I would be nothing but a disappointment and a disgrace to you both. Did you know that I hated ballet? Yet I was forced to take years of lessons because that’s what all upper class girls took.”
“I thought you loved ballet, Jill.”
“No, I hated it. Just like I hated that damn private school you made me go to. I wanted to be like the normal kids and attend a public school. I wanted to meet kids outside of our upper class circle. Kids who weren’t given everything they ever wanted and lived in the real world. I wanted to explore what other things life had to offer. Not just what money could buy. And as for law school, I don’t even want to be a lawyer, but it was shoved down my throat since I was five years old.”
“Why didn’t you come to me with all this?”
“I tried, but you were always gone or too busy.”
“And your mother?”
“She would tell me to stop being ridiculous and she didn’t want to hear any more nonsense out of my mouth. After a while, I gave up and sank into a depression that took me years to get out of.”
“You never seemed depressed to me.”
“That’s because I was good at hiding it. I had no choice but to pretend to be the happy and perfect daughter of Donald and Patricia Bell, when really, I was dying inside.”
“And you talked to your grandmother about all of this?”
“Yes. She knew something was wrong with me when I spent the summer at her house when I was fifteen years old. And you want to know how she knew? We were shopping at Saks and I was arrested for shoplifting.”
“My god, Jillian. Why?”
“A cry for help. A cry for attention. A cry to do something that nobody would expect of me.”
“I’m sorry, baby.” He placed his hand gently on my leg.
“I was released and it never went on my record. Grandma knew the judge and had a long talk with him. We talked about everything that summer. She was the only person who understood besides Kellan. That’s why she left me the money for when I turned twenty-one. She knew the day would come when I would just walk away.”
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I don’t know what to say, Jillian, except that I was a shit father who cared more about his company than his family. I wasn’t there for you and I always sided with your mother when I shouldn’t have. Sometimes it was just easier to agree with her.”
“I know what you mean.”
“Why didn’t you leave when you turned twenty-one?”
I sighed. “I was still in college and I had worked too hard to get to where I was just to throw it all away.”
“I’m afraid to ask why you waited for your wedding day.”
“I think you know the answer to that.” I glanced over at him.
He slowly nodded his head. “Revenge.”
“Yep.” I bit down on my bottom lip.
“You had it planned all along.”
“Yep.”
He sighed. “I want to make things right with you, Jillian. I know there aren’t enough apologies in the world, but please know that I am truly sorry. As for your sister, doing what I did to her and her mother was one of my biggest regrets. I thought about her often and I even saw her once while I was here in New York on business. She was having dinner with her mother one night at a restaurant I was at. They didn’t see me, but I sure saw them and I stared at my daughter for as long as they were there. I wanted to reach out to her, but I couldn’t. I was too afraid.”
“Why did you do it, Dad? Why did you just leave her like that?”
“Because I didn’t have a choice. Your mother threatened to divorce me and take everything I had worked so hard for my entire life. If it got out that I had a child by another woman, it would have been disastrous both personally and professionally. You have to understand that, Jill.”