Right before we reached the sand sailboard, I shot a glance back over my shoulder and—
They were right there, maws open, fangs glistening, an orange glow bursting from the backs of their throats— It happened like this:
I grabbed Randall’s hand.
I jumped the remaining distance.
My feet hit the board, a jarring impact that caused me to overcorrect.
I felt it slipping out from under me and—
Randall landed behind me, knocking me forward with the momentum of the sand sailboard.
A sharp wind hit the sail, causing it to bow outward as it filled, the ends flapping.
The front end of the board slid over the edge of the cliff.
There was a moment, a singular, breathtaking moment, when the board tilted forward, then backward, then forward, and I couldn’t even see the bottom of the mountain, given that it was hidden in the clouds. All I saw was the steep decline, dotted with trees and rocks and snow, snow, snow.
Randall breathed in my ear, “Just so you know, I hate you so much for what’s about to happen.”
My throat was dry, my eyes were bulging from my head, and I said, “Yeah, I pretty much hate myself right about now. No worries.”
The dragons reached for us and— We tipped over the edge of the cliff.
Randall slammed into my back, pressing me against the mast as we began to descend, the board sliding over the top of the snow. The wind roared around us as we picked up a preposterous amount of speed. I might have screamed.
No. Check that.
I screamed.
The board bounced roughly underneath our feet, vibrating up through our legs. It jarred my injured shoulder, but I ignored the pain.
“They’re coming!” Randall shouted in my ear.
I looked up behind us in time to see both dragons crest the edge of the cliff, suspended briefly in air before they folded their wings at their sides and began to plummet toward us, smoke trailing from their nostrils.
WIZARD
WE SEE YOU
YOU CANNOT ESCAPE
I STILL THINK YOU’RE DEAR BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS
“Motherfuckers!” I screamed back at them, seriously sick of their shit.
“Shoulder!” Randall cried.
Wow, Randall sure was thoughtful in the face of so much crazy. “Thank you for being concerned! But we can worry about my shoulder later, honestly, Randall, now is not the time—”
He grabbed my face and turned me forward. “Boulder,” he hissed in my ear.
Right before the line of clouds, there was, in fact, a rather large boulder that we were heading straight toward.
“Oh shit,” I said succinctly.
I tightened my grip on the mast and made sure my feet were flat against the board. I leaned to the right, pushing down with my feet while pivoting my hips. The board slid to the right, starting to turn sideways until Randall leaned with me. The back end corrected, and we shot past the boulder, missing it by what felt like a breath.
We hit the line of clouds, the air around us wet and cold. The snow sprayed onto my face, stinging my eyes. I squinted against it, trying to make sure the path ahead was clear.
We came upon a section of the path that curved up the side of the mountain. The impact was jarring, the board briefly sailing through empty air before it slammed back onto the ground.
The pole shook violently, and the vibrations rose through my arm, jerking my body back and forth. I almost bit my tongue clean through, trying to push back the waves of pain that rolled through my injured shoulder. I felt Randall behind me, reaching around my waist to hold on to the pole right under my hands, securing me in place.
“I never knew you cared so much!” I shouted, grinning back at him as he pressed close against me.
“Trust me, that couldn’t be further from the truth,” he growled back, eyes glinting.
And that’s when it all went to shit.
I had time to think that maybe, just maybe, the gods weren’t exactly on my side. I’d been through some shit, that was a given, but here we were, sliding down the side of a mountain on a flimsy wooden board, two gigantic feathered lesbian dragons chasing after us, the greatest wizard in the known world technically spooning me and snarling in my ear.
And before I could decide if maybe I needed to make some changes in order to avoid situations like this in the future, we burst through the other side of the clouds just in time to see that the section of the mountain we were headed toward sloped up into a ramp.
Because fuck. My. Life.
“This is going to suck so hard,” I whispered fervently. Then, “Hang on to something!”
“I am hanging on to something!” Randall screamed back at me.
“Oh! Right! Well! For what it’s worth, this has been pretty cool!”
“You and I most certainly have differing definitions of cool!”
I wasn’t going to argue with that, and not because I didn’t want to.
I just didn’t have time.
There was no way to avoid it. We wouldn’t be able to move in time.
I felt Randall’s magic building behind me, and we were going to motherfucking fly— We hit the rocky slope.
The board creaked and groaned.
There was a moment when we hit the bottom of the slope, when we stopped moving down and started moving up, that my stomach dropped right to my feet, and my bowels gave very serious consideration at just letting go right then and there.
And then we sailed off the ramp into nothing.
I was not proud of the noise that came from me.
It was loud.
And high-pitched.
And sounded like a rather large animal was dying.
The dragons snarled in triumph behind us.
But then there was another dragon right in front of us, and I had time to say, “Oh fucking shit—” before great black wings opened, claws reaching and grabbing us out of midair, snapping the sail on the board, pole breaking in two.
And then Kevin roared.
Chapter 13: Reunited and It Feels So Good
I GAPED up at him, the snow swirling around us. I didn’t think I’d ever been so glad to see anyone in my life. “Kevin! How the hell did you—”
But then the two feathered dragons were above us, and Kevin said, “Ladies, ladies, ladies, maybe we could just talk about this—” but their claws were extended, reaching, ready to tear, and Kevin said, “See? This is why I suck cock, because fuck this noise,” and he tilted backward, folding his wings at his sides. I was hit with a dizzying sense of vertigo as he fell, and we were pointed directly at the feather dragons, but then he completed his backflip and twisted upright, clutching us close to his chest.
“I am so badass,” Kevin crowed as we tore down the side of the mountain. “Look at me doing flips and shit.”
“What is even happening right now!” I screamed up at him.
“What does it look like? I’m saving your ass!”
“Oh! That’s… good. You know what? Keep doing that!”